Saturday, December 24, 2011

Merry Winter Holidays!

I am pretty desensitized to embarrassment so I tend to do things others wouldn't, which is probably why I made my own ugly sweater this year! Although I frequent the thrift stores, people must get their ugly sweaters early because I had no luck finding one. Instead, I found bunch of normal things at the thrift store and put them together to make my own! Warning: this is pretty beautiful, so you will probably be jealous.

Take a look at those tassels coming out of the sleeves! Master craftsmanship, I must say.

The back features a googly-eyed Santa's face and hands, giving the illusion that he is hugging me. Why did I put this picture of myself on the internet for everyone to see? Because I'm a fool. But mostly for the ladies. ;)

When I wasn't searching for the most ridiculous things to glue onto a women's sweater, I saw some pretty bizarre Christmas decorations. For instance, this guy:

That is one muscular reindeer. Even his tail is bulging and rippling! Looks like Rudolph couldn't take everyone laughing and calling him names, so he took to the gym. Notice his antlers and hooves are red, too, so he must have gored and trampled Dasher and Dancer. He's also got a pretty sadistic smirk on his face, which really goes to show how damaging adolescent bullying can be! 

"Okay, Woody, seriously. That's obviously a ceramic stuffed Rudolph and those 'muscles' are the ceramic fabric seams." Well, imaginary skeptic, that's even weirder than a Roid-Rage Rudolph. "Nice alliteration." Thanks!

I also found this ultra-weird Santa Claus. This actually might be one of the weirder things I've ever found...

Can anyone explain this? Why is Santa balled up in cotton and medical wrap? I showed a friend who suggested that Santa is now a severe burn victim after he mistakenly went down a lit chimney. That chimney shit's dangerous, just use the front door! Closer inspection shows his anger at the situation.

Ahhh!! Why is Santa so scary? :( He has blood-red eyes with beady black pupils. My future children will not be sitting on this man's lap. Although he IS pretty soft... I'll ask again - Can anyone explain this??

I brought my stuff to my parents' house and mistakenly put my bags on the floor. The dog sniffed out this evil Santa Claus and tried to vanquish the evil, but to no avail. He only grows creepier without his burn wrappings!

What the heck IS this thing?! Well, the dog chewed him in to a pretty comfortable-looking position, so he's no longer the CREEPIEST Santa in the world. He's now...

...The most INTERESTING Santa in the world! "I don't always lose weight, but when I do, I lose all of it." 

Thank you, thrift stores, and everyone have some happy holidays! :)

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Thrift Store Pen Pals - From Brad!

Woo hoo! I got my second Thrift Store Pen Pal item! I know what it's like to be in your shoes now; very curious, yet in the back of your mind hoping it's not anthrax. Well, Brad, of Ginger Brad, was kind enough to not poison me this time, and sent me a book! It's called "Jack Russell: Dog Detective - The Sausage Situation" by Darrel and Sally Odgers.

That's a pretty epic title for several reasons. I think I'll go ahead and judge this book by its cover, making up the entire story based solely on its cover, then I'll read it and see how closely my harsh judgment and the cold reality match up.

Judging the Book by its Cover:
Jack Russell is a breed of dog featured on the cover of this book, and it's also the name of the main dog, Jack Russell. The Odgers were clearly born with ultra-evolved minds; they cleverly realized that Jack Russell is a type of dog, but it could ALSO be a name! So they went ahead and blew us all away by naming the Jack Russell Jack Russell. After all the creativity spent on the main dog's name, it's a wonder the authors managed to write the rest of the book. But they did.

Turns out, ol' Jack Russell is a dog detective, solving crimes, sniffing asses. In this harrowing tale, Jack was born the runt of the litter. Being so small, he was easily overlooked and never got much attention from his busy mother, Jill, or any of his brothers or sisters, Jackie, Russ, Dawg, and Pup. On top of it all, he was a little slow in the head. Although he tried to fit in with his family and classmates at training school, he just didn't quite grasp sarcasm or innuendos - he simply took everything for face-value. Despite these drawbacks, Jack had a big imagination and looked up to his hero, Wishbone, a Jack Russell from TV who often imagined himself as the main character of popular books.

One day at training school, Jack overhead the older dogs talking about how this class didn't matter and that they could get most anything they wanted just by eavesdropping on the humans and following them around. The older dogs were half joking, but poor jack took this advice to heart.

On his way home, Jack saw a flyer tacked to a telephone pole which read

Dirty Gary's Sausage Fest
If a hot, juicy weiner is your cause for celebration
Cum to 80th and Troost for The Sausage Situation!

Just a few hours earlier he heard those older dogs talking about getting what you want by following humans, and he may have been slow, but he knew he wanted sausages. He had to think, "what would Wishbone do?" and realized that Wishbone would do as detective Sherlock Holmes and follow anyone who comes and reads the sign; they would lead him to 80th and Troost for his delicious sausage fest! The reason he didn't simply walk to the address is because he didn't know directions - he may be a reading dog, but come on, he's still a dog.

For days Jack would observe the flyer and wait for a human to read its message. Someone just had to see the sign! "How could someone NOT be interested in a huge sausage fest??" thought Jack. Finally, a man dressed in a sequined vest with cutoff jean shorts and a beret walked up to the sign. The man considered the flyer for a moment, smiled, then walked the other direction. This was the moment Jack had been waiting for. He followed the questionably-dressed man for what seemed like miles, until he finally stopped at the door to an old warehouse. He knocked on the door and a man dressed in a mesh shirt and very short basketball shorts answered and let him in. Jack made his move and bolted between the men's legs without them noticing. All he could think of was sausages - warm, juicy, tender sausages melting in his mouth. What he found was something far different.

Techno music filled his ears and a strobe light assaulted his vision. Everywhere he looked he saw naked men. He'd seen his master in his underwear before, but never naked - this was his first look at a fully naked human, and it appeared as though there were sausages coming from their crotches! Just as Jack told himself that that was crazy, he noticed several men trying to eat the other men's sausages. Jack had sniffed a crotch or two in his day and he knew that he didn't want to eat these sausages. He never knew that this was where sausages came from, and the truth was simply shocking - to think, all a sausage really was was a human's red rocket.

Jack bolted outside and immediately started eating grass; he thought he was going to be sick. Just then, one of the sausage fest men saw him and said, "Ooooh, lookie guys, a puppy! Let's bring him in!" Jack would be having none of that and so he ran all the way home, never looking back. Exhausted, he stumbled through his doggy door and collapsed on the floor. Much to the humans' surprise, Jack didn't beg or even seem interested in the Bratwurst they were having that night, or any night thereafter. In fact, Jack never ate another sausage again.

The Reality:
Well, I surprised even myself with where my made-up version of that story went. Now I'm off to read the actual book, and thanks to the magic of the internet, you don't even have to wait while I read it!

Okay, I'm done.

That was the worst book I've ever read. I've probably said that before, but this time it's true. I was, however, surprisingly accurate in judging the book by its cover! It turns out the authors are exactly as creative as I'd expected! Not only is there a dog named Jill Russell, but her owners are named Jack and Jill. Who the heck names their dog after themselves? I'm not going to name my dog Woody, that would just be weird and confusing for everyone. Also, there is a fox terrier named Foxy. This is just a sampling of the creative juices the Odgers have flowing through them.

That's about as close as my story was to the original, which I'd say is still a win compared to my previous attempts. I can honestly say that my story was much better and well thought-out, though, and the real story is unfortunately not about a gay orgy. The story is about a Jack Russell dog, Jack Russell, who gets a tip from his friend, Foxy, that there is a sausage heist going down. In the very first page of the book it says that Foxy is a "reformed thief," so probably not someone you would trust a whole lot. The dogs all go to some "Dog and Sausage" party and Foxy comes up with an elaborate plan to steal all the sausages back because he thinks belong to him. And so at the end of the book he steals them and eats a dozen sausages.

The main character, Jack, is racist, elitist, and egotistical. You may wonder why I say all these harsh things about a poor dog, but these traits become quite apparent. Throughout the book there are "Jack's Facts," in which he says some opinion and claims it as fact. For example: "All dogs depend on their noses. Jack Russells use their other senses as well. That is why Jack Russells are su-paw-rior. This is a fact." Well, that sentence pretty much proves it. Or, he just doesn't realize that every other mammal alive uses all their senses, too.

The book has a glossary at the end of each chapter to explain the stupid words the authors made up and used in the story. Here are some of my favorites:

Ig-gnawed: Ignored, but done by dogs. [Sounds more like something a dawg would say rather than a dog]
Su-paw-rior: Superior, the way Jack Russells are. [Do I smell a paw-locaust coming on?]
Jack-jump: A sudden jump made by a Jack Russell terrier. [Akin to saying, "human-hop," or "person-poop"]
Terrier-tory: A territory owned by a terrier. [This one isn't THAT bad, I guess]
Terrier-able: Same as terrible, but to do with terriers. [This one IS that bad]
In-terrier-gate: Official questioning, done by a terrier. [Okay. That's enough. We get it]
Im-paw-tant: Important, for dogs. [Something a southern belle would say, not a dog]
Jack-snack: A snack for a Jack. [This was in the glossary because, ya know, it wasn't super obvious]

The glossary terms come in three categories: a paw/dog reference, a terrier reference, or a Jack reference. And they use these words alllll the time. "Terrier-able" does not roll off the tongue, making me say that this book is, in fact, quite terrier-able and im-paw-sible to enjoy, no bones about it. Bah.

Coming from a dog who clearly thinks he's the shit, Jack sure is stupid. He keeps saying how smart and how much better Jack Russells are than any other type of dog, but he doesn't pick up on the (super obvious) fact that his friend, Foxy, is the sausage thief. The book ended and Jack STILL didn't figure it out, no joke. Perhaps he isn't as su-paw-rior as he thinks.

I'm summary, this book is paw-ful and the authors deserve the shock collar. Woof. Although, I have to hand it to Brad for finding and sending such a strange book! Thank you, sir, may your life be filled with bountiful sausage situations!

Monday, December 19, 2011

Thrift Store Pen Pals - Tanyabell!

This week's Thrift Store Pen Pal was Tanyabell at Fabulous for $50 [and under]! It's definitely more of a girls' blog, talking about thrifty fashion and stuff, but she's really nice so you should check her out regardless of your gender.

Tanyabell was given a very interesting Pen Pal item which I almost saved for myself to write about, but she did a Fabulous job (see what I did there?). Aside from making fun of my poor shipping skills, she ended up doing something potentially awesome with her item! Mostly because she didn't want it in her house. Something about it being "creepy," or some such nonsense; as if I would send anything creepy. Check out her brilliant review below!!!

I'll send you (yes, YOU) something creepy/weird/awesome if you just read this and comment that you'd like to participate!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Random Pictures from My Friends!

Over the weekend I pretty much just sat around because of my wisdom tooth recovery. During that time, I texted a few of my friends and asked them to send me a picture. Just a random picture, of anything. To my surprise, everyone responded (although one guy never sent a picture). It helped entertain me during my downtime, and so I decided to share the pictures I got.

Very random chair

Me at Geek.Kon with a hot Bomberman cosplayer!

My best friend's wife and their new dog

My friend's mom is obsessed with her daughter's violin skillz

Kinda creepy...


I would murder a child.

Yes, that's a man.


I'm not the only one who goes to thrift stores

Bullet cat!

Siamese apple?

It's a penis-shaped bubble


My friend's cookie contest entry

Raphael's bandanna with Leonardo's weapons. Conspiracy?

That was quite an entertaining night, especially on painkillers.

Oh, I got a Thrift Store Pen Pal item today!!! From Ginger Brad. I'll post tomorrow or sometime soon :)

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Wisdom Teeth Extraction!

I had my wisdom teeth taken out yesterday. This is me trying to smile immediately after surgery:

A valiant effort

I opted not to get the general anesthesia so I was awake the entire surgery, but I was on some good drugs so I didn't really care that they were yanking teeth out of my jaws. As a bonus to being awake during the surgery I got to hear them have trouble with the bottom two teeth. They had to drill into each of them and crush them in order to take them out piece by piece. It didn't hurt though.

I didn't do anything too weird, but I remember trying to take their blanket and thanking everyone. I also requested to keep my wisdom teeth. Only the top two were intact, so they gave me those.

A few hours later I was getting hungry so I ate lunch. Or rather, I drank lunch and took a bunch of drugs.

Not very fulfilling, although I felt good! Now it's day two and I'm about to pop an oxycodone, so I'll see you on the other side!

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Just Some Stuff!

I got a new job back home in Kansas! I started this blog because I moved to Arkansas where I knew no one at all. That left a ton of free time to mess around online or whatever, so I started Woodn't Ya Know It... It started off as just a regular blog, talking about my life and all that, but it kind of evolved into mostly thrift store stuff. See, when I moved here I also got into thrifting for the exact same reason (I had no friends), so the blogging and thrifting world kind of collided! Although I will have a much much fuller social life now that I'll be with friends and family, I realized I really enjoy blogging about the weird stuff I do so I'll definitely continue.

Because I'm quitting my Arkansas job, I have to use up my flex medical account money, so I decided to have my teeth looked at. I need my wisdom teeth pulled. So I'll be doing that bright and early tomorrow morning, meaning I'll be all drugged up on oxycodone this weekend. That means I probably won't be posting anything this weekend, and if I do, just disregard anything I say because it will likely be incoherent ramblings caused by my brain swimming in drug soup.

As my last solid meal for a couple weeks, I chose Panda Express, which I am currently eating. It was a good choice.

I got an award! It's the Versatile Blogger award, given to me by my friend Myli at Asian Girl Hearts White Boys! Her blog is all about sex, and she doesn't skimp on the details, so... just a warning before you click that link. Anyway, Myli is one of my amazing Thrift Store Pen Pals, and I am honored she decided to give me an award. Thanks, Myli! :)

I am not going to spread the award, mostly because of laziness, but I WILL post some of my favorite bloggers that you should check out, in no particular order!

Andrea - She has two blogs, each of which is pretty great.
Shane Pilgrim - This dude is funny and very honest, and he is a dominator at commenting on your blog posts.
Patrice - A real-life friend who is super-duper nice.
Nhya - Just a great, easy to read blog.
Storm - She has a food blog, and I can't put my finger on why, but I love it! We would be friends in real life.
Ginger Brad - Another real-life friend, who is also a future Thrift Store Pen Pal.
Laura - A bubbly, mostly lighthearted blog, which is good for reading at work. Not that I do that.
O Galleghure - He recently submitted a most-entertaining Pen Pal review. And he's kind of nerdy. :)
Nicole - She's just super awesome. We'd definitely be real-life friends.
Jasmine - If you're a vegetarian, she's got you covered. I'm not, but I stick around for the pretty pictures.
Dad to Libbs - His blog is about his little girl, but in reality it's just random, fun pop culture stuff.
Tanyabell - She posts a lot and always has a new, thrifty outfit on. Even if you're not into fashion, it's fun :)
IHateEverything - This girl cracks me up. We have similar senses of humor, but hers is more hatey.
RetroFlirt - She posts about music and thrifty stuff. Nothing wrong with that.
rosewater49 - He's my dad. He posts some pretty hilarious stories, although he doesn't update super often.
J. Littlejohn - This guy is just hilarious.

I probably missed a bunch, but that's who came to mind. I promise I'll make it up to you, whoever I missed! :(

In other news, I'm running low on Thrift Store Pen Pals and running high on random things to send! I don't know if this is due to lack of interest or apprehension, but you should sign up! I won't anthrax you, promise.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Thrift Store Pen Pals - Dad to Libbs

Liberty's dad was my Thrift Store Pen Pal this time around. He runs which, as you can probably tell from the title, concerns his daughter, plus other fun stuff. On a side note, his tagline is "Best Christmas Countdown this side of" I am glad someone else reads/knows of X-Entertainment, but if you don't know what it is, just go ahead and start here (that's one of MY favorites, anyway). 

I almost regret sending this item. Although it is super weird and interesting, and pretty great as a Pen Pal item (in my opinion), it still holds some charm and I will miss its camaraderie. I think it fulfilled its purpose in Dad's post though, as it almost caused a murder. Check it out!!

To receive your own oddities in the mail from a stranger (me), sign up for Thrift Store Pen Pals!

Monday, December 5, 2011

Thrift Store Adventures: Sexy Things!

I have come across many odd treasures in my thrift store excursions - sometimes funny, sometimes creepy, sometimes just plain weird. I often make sexual references for the sake of a cheap laugh, but most of the time I have to stretch pretty far to make the innuendo. Today I will show you a collection of things I've found in which there was no stretching involved and that make you wonder how such things got made in the first place. This list is in order of least- to most-blatantly sexual.

5. Crotch Hole Clown

Clowns are supposed to be happy (or terrifying, to some), but the look on this little guy's face is something akin to soul-crushing. It could be the fact that he has holes in his shoes, or even the simple fact that his life decisions led him to clown-dom, but when you take a closer look you see that his shoe isn't the only thing with a hole - he's missing what should be placed in his crotch.

An empty crotch makes an empty heart. This product was obviously designed for SOMETHING but I can't figure out what. Perhaps it is a candle holder? If so, I don't think "sadness" would be the proper emotion for your junk being alight and melting. Horror, panic, and hysteria would be on the top of my list. To test the candle theory, I put a large candle in the clown's crotch hole to see how it looked. I would have taken a picture, but some lady was looking at me weird.

This is 5th place because although slightly sexual, the other items on the list are way easier. No pun intended.

4. Sexy-Time Cherub

This little guy is sitting atop what appears to be a jewelry box covered in grapes. And boy, our angel friend here cannot wait for you to pluck his fruit! It looks like this baby is jealous of what Cupid's got going on and decided to try his luck pointing his arrow at the ladies.

His face is one of suave relaxation, even impassivity, especially considering he looks just like The Godfather. Let's hope YOUR godfather never gives you this pose, though.

This little baby is in 4th place because it is not super sexual, but I can't conceive a single reason as to why he is posed like that.

3. Nasty Newsie Doll

All I know about the life of a newsie is from the Disney musical "Newsies," in which a bunch of newspaper-peddling kids go on strike or something. The movie failed to make any mention of BJ's, however, and I think this doll offers a differing view of how hard life really was in 1899.

You might say, "You pervert, he's clearly saying, 'Extry, extry, read all about it!' or something, not performing felacio." to which I say, "You're probably right." But that doesn't detract from the fact that, unless you understood that his driving hat implies that he's a news boy rather than a dapper young gigolo, he looks like he's giving head.

This guy is in 3rd place due to the graphic nature of his mouth.

2. Gobblin' Gary

Gary is very similar to the Newsie up there. It really makes me wonder what people think when they produce things. Really, the best way to describe this statue thing is from a quote from Super Troopers: "Open your throat, relax the jaw. Don't forget to cup the balls."

Although Gary could possibly be a wine holder, I don't know anyone who would willingly put this thing in their house. If I had it (no, I did not buy it), I would put a summer sausage in his hand/mouth. It doesn't look like he has teeth, so that's a bonus for the sausage.

Gary comes in 2nd place today because he is so obvious he made me do a double-take. And he has a Hitler 'stache.

1. Sexy Female Mannequin #131

This gal was crawling around on the floor of a local antique mall. Judging by her sun hat, she's clearly there to shop, but her choice in clothing was a bit questionable. I can understand that she wanted to see the detail on the underside of that chair, but whoever was sitting on that green couch got an eye-full!

My research leads me to needing some eye bleach. It also uncovered that the above mannequin is aptly named Sexy Female Mannequin #131. Not a name I would have chosen, but a rose by any other name... The weird thing about SFM#131 is that she was just sitting there, amid the cross-stitched pillows and old lady furniture, trying to entice someone to take her home, like the saddest Siren. I also have to wonder why she's wearing sexy lingerie and a grandma hat. Although I guess she could be an old lady mannequin. With huge boobs.

SFM#131 wins 1st place in the sexy thrift store things list! The reason being, obviously, that she is a well-endowed mannequin wearing a tight shirt and sheer panties. Not a tough call. Congratulations, SFM#131!!!