The Kohler Numi Toilet

I got an email this morning from Amazon.com trying to peddle a particularly strange item. It's the Kohler Numi Toilet. The body of the email is an invitation to "like" a Facebook page for a chance to win the toilet they keep clamoring about. And then, this is the picture they attached to the email:

Before I get too far into this post, I'd like to illustrate why it's a good idea to double-check the email address you're sending to. I thought this was a funny email to get from Amazon, so I decided to email a few friends describing what I was looking at... except I accidentally sent the email to my friend's old work email address, which, since he left, is forwarded to everyone in his old team. Here's the conversation:

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From: Robert Wood [mailto:rwood@CompanyX.com]
Sent: Monday, April 23, 2012 8:55 AM
To: Analytics; 'Lisa'
Subject: I don't even...

I got this email today about winning a toilet from Amazon.com, which is weird enough by itself, and then I looked at the picture to the right… Because attractive, dressed-up people and toilets go hand-in-hand..? And THEN I realized that that white thing in the background IS the toilet! There is a lot wrong with this picture – firstly, it’s in a room with all glass walls – you can see right inside from all directions. That’s awkward for everyone. Secondly, that doesn’t look like a bathroom; it looks like a living room or something. Are you supposed to have dinner or watch TV with your date when you nonchalantly get up and answer nature’s call in the (all glass) living room? I tell ya, nothing makes me more attracted to a girl than seeing her pooping into a white box in a room with transparent walls.

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From: Analytics [mailto:Analytics@CompanyY.com]
Sent: Monday, April 23, 2012 9:00 AM
To: 'Robert Wood'
Cc: Analytics
Subject: RE: I don't even...

Was this intended to go to Brian XYZ?  If so, he is no longer with Company Y, so his emails are now forwarded to his old team’s shared inbox.

Thanks for the entertainment, but you might want to check with him to get his new email address :)

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From: Robert Wood [mailto:rwood@CompanyX.com]
Sent: Monday, April 23, 2012 9:08 AM
To: Analytics
Subject: RE: I don't even...

Oh no, this is almost as awkward as that toilet. I accidentally selected the wrong email. Sorry!

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From: Analytics [mailto:Analytics@CompanyY.com]
Sent: Monday, April 23, 2012 9:14 AM
To: 'Robert Wood'; Analytics
Subject: RE: I don't even...

No problem- good Monday morning laugh.

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So that was the start of my Monday - accidentally sending poop jokes to a bunch of strangers. I should have just forged ahead and sent them the address to this blog. I already had "unobservant" in the bag; I should have just gone ahead with "shamelessly self-promoting." 

Unaffected by my mistake, I remained curious about these people in the glass house with a shitter in their living room so I went to Kohler's toilet website and found even more pieces to this confusing toilet puzzle. 

Apparently, the toilet has a remote control so you can operate its various functions such as internal lighting (so you can look back in and see how you did), a music player (so you can "sing" along with the music), a freaking bidet (so you can squirt water up your hoo and/or ha), a seat heater (which... would actually be pretty great), and user presets. Basically, if you own this toilet, you've officially "made it."

At first, I thought that in the very first picture the guy was holding flowers and bringing them to his female scat-loving counterpart. I thought it was a funny gesture for such an open and immodest couple. Then I saw that they had other pictures in the series:

Here, we see that those flowers are just sitting on a table, possibly so they can claim that their shit does, indeed, smell like roses. This picture also confirms that this is a living room or a lounge and that you can see inside from every angle. Judging by their change of clothes and the furniture, they spend a lot of time in this room, so they probably get to see each other drop their logs regularly. In the background, we see this:

A bottle of liquor. Anyone who has had the scoots after drinking the night before knows where this is going - you're not going to want to be confined in the same room with someone who is going through that violently personal experience, least of which being your significant other. I could be wrong in assuming they're dating; they could just be brother and sister, which would take this scenario from worst-ever to worst-ever-er. But he's giving her those eyes that say "Baby, I really wanna watch you drop a brown bear right about now," so I conclude that they're dating. Or... ugh, nevermind. For my own sanity's sake, they're not related.

Here's the last picture in their series. Another change of clothes. And then I realized... that toilet is not hooked up to any plumbing and they have no sinks! That's like having an outhouse inhouse. Not only is that unhygienic but also a living situation only fit for hostages! Giorgio Armani must have kidnapped these people, locked them in his uber-high-fashion prison, and forced them to pose and look sexy. The bastard! Look at how they attractively long for freedom.


But there's nothing we can do for the prisoners now - they've likely been sold off as runway slaves by now. 


I think I'm going to enter that sweepstakes so I can start my own fashion-prison!