Light French Kissing - or - My Alternative Identity

While perusing my favorite thrift store, I happened upon a CD ambiguously labeled "LFK Photos."

Never one to pass up good mystery, I knew I had to have it. While standing in line to check out, the cashier volunteered me to help a woman load a table into her car. As I apparently had no say in the matter, I helped the woman load her car which got me the LFK CD for free in return. If I'd have known I was going to get free thrift store stuff in exchange for manual labor I would have picked up this lovely Picasso print that was there!

The price in the corner says $45. I'm not sure I would be willing to pay $45 to prevent myself from ever having house guests. 

Anyway, a quick Google search shows that "LFK" stands for "Light French Kissing," so I was pretty excited to see what was on the disk. Then again, along with light French kissing, Urban Dictionary defines LFK to stand for "Little Fat Kid" and "Lawrence Fucking Kansas," the first of which I only have a mild interest in seeing photos of, and the other being the town where I went to school. So whatever is on this disk, I should be able to get at least some entertainment from it. 

So I put the CD in my disk drive.

And I now have a new identity. 

The disk contains 49 pictures of a man with the initials L. F. K., but, unfortunately, there is no sign of any light French kissing. I'm not sure, but since the photos were donated and then I purchased them (with physical labor) I now own the photos and can blatantly post them all over the internet and make fun of them like I'm about to do. The guy does look kind of intimidating though, so I hope he never sees this website. 

And now, I will falsely describe the photo album through the eyes of LFK:

Hi, I'm Lonny! At least that's what I'll have you believe so Woody doesn't get sued for libel! I love baseball, my family, and mustaches.

Today, I will be throwing a fastball down memory lane and telling you about some of my favorite pieces of my (very) personal history. This is me when I was just a pee wee leaguer. 

I had the most beautiful dress on that day. That cage to the right is where dad would put us when he was being a grump. He liked to take his baseball bat and run it along the bars for hours while we sat inside. Occasionally he would be nice and not spit chewing tobacco on us.

This is me with all my siblings posing for a picture in front of our old house. The big boy in the back, Clem, really wanted to be a doctor so he practiced on us all the time. Last I heard he was in something called the "big house," so he must be doing very well for himself!

This is Coach. He taught me everything I know about proper ball handling, and he's the reason I love balls so much, even today! I sometimes think of him while I'm making love to my wife.

This is my high school senior photo. This is when I first got my mustache!! It's been with me ever since, through thick and thin. Sometimes when I'm feeling lonely I just stick my tongue out and give it a little lick. It reminds me of Coach.

My lovely wife, Jimmie. She's always had a thing for walruses, so the combination of my 'stache and the sounds I make while we make whoopie adds up to a perfect marriage.

Jimmie and I with our two beautiful children. This is right before our baby, Lucy, was exorcised. You can clearly see she was possessed by Satan in this photo.

This is just me lounging on the couch, practicing for our monthly Bukkake Night.

Me posing with the boy, showing off my new acid wash jeans. The obvious disappointment in my face is due to the fact that the jeans were just too dang baggy and they sat way too low on the hips!

My weekend with the kids. What a nightmare.

This was right after I made the best decision of my life: I joined a cult! We are a small group, but we sure know how to have fun! Our main source of income is dressing up as American Indians and going to Indian casinos. The goal is to integrate ourselves with the Indians so they won't think twice when we sneak into the vault and take all the cash. So far, it hasn't worked, but I think our costumes are getting better!

This is the setup for next weekend. I have a good feeling about this one due to the fact that I can hide behind this authentic Indian sign if they start getting suspicious. When I get my portion of the cash I will buy a mansion where Jimmie, Coach, and I will live. I will buy a new cage for the kids, too.

...

Okay, my morality is starting to kick in so I guess that's where I'll stop.