Anyone for Some Tea?

Recently, a friend informed me of an Asian market that she thought I would enjoy. Given my reputation for strange and off-color shopping, she suspected that the bizarre selection of goods at said market would pique my interest, so we decided to check it out. It was, indeed, a unique experience.

You know that feeling you get when you open the door on a very hot summer day and the heat just kind of avalanches over you in an overwhelming heat wave? Imagine that, but replace "very hot summer day" with "Kansas City Asian market," and "heat" with "rotten, fishy smell." It was a molasses-thick stench. After a few minutes of adjusting to our new, smelly atmosphere, we looked around and found some pretty interesting things. Perhaps most noteworthy was the strange selection of teas they were offering.

I will discuss my favorite teas of the bunch.

Manhood: "Male elixir, immunity support, and energy" - This tea - ahem, elixir - imbues the lucky drinker with the power of a boy celebrating his Bar Mitzvah; once you have consumed this tea, you are officially a man. That's because it's made with dehydrated goat testes.

Stamina: "Help relax and replenish energy" - This is the tea that Dovahkiin drinks when using two-handed weapons in Skyrim. He also drinks it when he sprints too much. Sorry for that nerdy reference.

Kidney Fortifier: "Diuretic, strengthen the kidney" - Drink this right before binge drinking in order to take your kidneys from drab to fab. It is labeled as a diuretic though, so "breaking the seal" will be even more of an issue than normal. With such superstar kidneys, you won't have to worry about peeing blood next time you get hit in the kidneys, either. 

Horny Goat Weed - Did you try the Manhood tea and think that it didn't have quite enough dehydrated goat testes? Well Horny Goat Weed has you covered! They must have misspelled the title though, because I believe this should be called "Horny Goat SEED." Ya know, like sperm. The lower left corner of the box proudly advertises its "20 tea bags," and if you know what "tea bagging" is then you'll realize what a great deal getting teabagged 20 times by a horny goat really is!

President's Super Energy: "Immunity support, vitality, and brain power" - Whether you're president of the United States, your company, or even your local Biebz fan club, President's Super Energy is sure to give you the brain power you need to lead a country, run a company, or be jealous of Selena Gomez, respectively.

Reishi Liver Guard: "Herb of immortality, detoxify the liver & tonify the lung" - This is the only tea you need to drink! It offers IMMORTALITY! It says so right on the box! It also "tonifies the lung" I looked up "tonify" on dictionary.com and it means "to make fashionable," so if you're in need of some immortality and stylish lungs, this is the tea for you. I'm assuming that this tea can offer all that because those mushrooms on the box are a little bit "magic," if you catch my drift.

Female Joy: "Female response & sensitivity" - Ladies, are you not quite sensitive enough? Does your boyfriend say things like, "Gee, I love you and all, Margaret, but I wish you were more emotional!" Well this tea has you covered!

Mammary and Uterus Care: "For healthy breasts and uteruses" - I drink this tea every day at work to keep my uterus up to par. 

Lung Pacifier: "Cough, antitussive, antispasmodic, expectorant, anti-prutic, congestion" - The lungs are one organ that I can say just get tooooo wild. Calm those lungs down with this tea. When used in conjunction with the Reishi Liver Guard, you can have fashionable AND pacified lungs with Lung Pacifier! 

Midlife Rejuvenatin: "Deter aging, help cope with mid-life changes" - If the immortality tea is a bit too permanent for you, try Midlife Rejuvenation to help you "cope with mid-life changes." The directions say to use vodka instead of water in this tea. It really makes coping with your oldness much easier.

TV/ComputerMate: "anti-radiation, antihypoxia, memory, blood nurturing" - Citizens of Chernobyl, worry no more! TV/ComputerMate tea will fight off that silly radiation! It also claims to be "antihypoxic." Hypoxia is a deficiency in oxygen to your cells and tissues. If you are in a hypoxic state from sitting in front of the TV or computer too long, I'd say you should be taking more drastic measures than drinking a cup of tea. It is also "blood nurturing," leaving me to believe that this tea is also suitable for vampires. 

Booze Remedy: "Hangovers, liver protection, detoxifying, booze fix" - This tea claims to be a "booze fix," making it the perfect tea for alcoholics! I don't know whether it will cure your alcoholism or just make the booze taste better, but it sounds like a win either way. Since I'm writing this the day after St. Patrick's day, I could sure use some Booze Remedy right now.

Which tea would you like to drink?

BONUS!

We got some Grass Jelly Drink for curiosity's sake and decided to try it out. Boy were we surprised when we took a drink! 

See those black jelly cubes pictured on the can? That's literally what you're getting with this drink. Black liquid filled will cubes of solid jelly. As for taste, it was pretty... grassy. Grass Jelly Drink gets kudos for being so up-front in its labeling.