Jennifer Lawrence and Other Love Interests

The Hunger Games movie just came out and I think I have a crush on Jennifer Lawrence. We've all had our celebrity crushes, as irrational and unlikely as they may be. I'm not talking about times where you say, "I swear it, Selena Gomez wrote Love You Like a Love Song about ME!" or, "Oh, Steve Buscemi is so hot, I love him." No, I'm talking about actual crushes where, for whatever reason, you actually like someone. Someone very special. Today, I will go through my unabridged list of crushes through the years and then use an advanced scientific love calculator to find my one true love.

1. Princess Jasmine

That's not the tiger purring; it's me

Princess Jasmine was my first-ever crush. She was just plain hot. Although Aladdin came out in 1992 when I was 6, it wasn't until a couple years later when I had the VHS copy that I fell in love with her. I guess my prepubescent 6 year old self couldn't cope with the sultry princess. I clearly remember watching Aladdin with a friend - we would pause the tape and go up to the TV screen and "kiss" her. It was pure romance! That jerk Aladdin would always come on screen and cockblock me though. At least the genie was on my side. But how does the Love Calculator think this cartoon princess and I would match up?

Hey, not bad! And everyone knows that 69 is the number of love... which gives a very strange mental image considering I was like 8 years old when I was crushing on her.

Then I got really into horror movies.

2. Nancy Thompson

Those killer curly bangs really did it for me

The actress' real name is Heather Langenkamp, but I was only into the Nancy character from Nightmare on Elm Street. She must have had that girl-next-door vibe about her. When her boyfriend in the movie, Johnny Depp, died I figured she was all mine. I didn't consider that she would probably have a bunch of baggage considering her bf just got eaten and puked back up by his bed. I guess I wasn't the only one who wanted to be her new boyfriend, though, as is evidenced by this awesome gif:

Freddy turned into Nancy's phone and said, "I'm your boyfriend now, Nancy!" and licked her. Pure art. I definitely still love these movies! <3 Let's see how compatible Nancy and I are:

Wow, that's a solid B! I'd imagine our conversations over dinner would be a little one-sided though - she is constantly tormented by a guy who tries to kill her in her dreams, and I... like thrift stores and drive a Ford Focus.

3. Angie Everhart

I obviously didn't mind the age difference

Ms. Everhart was in a quaint little film called Tales from the Crypt: Bordello of Blood in which she was the queen vampire who ran an entire whorehouse full of other well-endowed vampire hookers. I think it was nominated for an Oscar.

"Uhh... can we skip the foreplay tonight, honey?"

The movie came out in 1996 when I was but a wee 10 year old lad, so I don't know what I found so appealing about her. Probably that she was in a vampire whore movie and had boobs. Let's see how she and I match up:

Hmm. Well, I guess it was never meant to be. She IS 17 years older than me, about twice my age when I fell in one-side love with her. Oh well.

4. Neve Campbell

Everyone seemed to love Neve Campbell in the '90s, and I was no exception. I first fell in love when I saw her in the movies Scream and The Craft, both of which, incidentally, also came out in 1996 with Bordello of Blood. This leads me to two conclusions about myself: 1) I really like horror movie girls, and 2) 1996 was a very confusing year for me. Nevertheless, I was pretty into her. I even printed out a picture of her and taped it to my school Trapper Keeper; it was her in a bathtub with milk running down her and the caption said, "Got Neve?" It was pretty lame. I wanted to share the picture but I can't seem to find it. Apparently, after 1996 the Internet deemed the picture to be too stupid. Well, how does the faithful Love Calculator find the two of us?

Ouch. That's a kick right to the heart. And here I was thinking that she could be the one. The Love Calculator even gave "Sidney" and "Billy and Stuart" (her character in scream and her would-be killers) a 35%. If they had a 35% and they were trying to kill her, imagine what I would try to do to her! 

From there on, my celebrity crushes dried up a bit. Maybe because I started getting actual girlfriends. There were a few more, like Jessica Alba, but everyone was in love with her. I think she was my main celebrity crush throughout high school, but she's too obvious so I'll just skip right to the most recent girls.

4. Jillian Mayer

If any of you have ever questioned my level of weirdness, just keep reading. It's a bit of a stretch to include her on the celebrity crushes list, but here she is anyway, for the sake of comedy. Jillian and I only had about a week-long fling, but I was pretty into her during that week. Little was known about her at the time other than that she produced this amazing video:

There was a lot I liked about her: she was pretty cute and normal looking... on the surface. Then she gets in all sorts of insane costumes (which I have been known to do) and writes an insane song with super awesome electronic voice effects (which I have also been known to do). Not to mention, she had the cojones to put this video on YouTube! I saw the video when it had less than 1000 views so I felt that we bonded.

Then once the video got popular it turned out she was super pretentious about herself. Well, let's see how this odd duck and I would fare romantically!

Looks like we have about a 50/50 chance. Coincidentally, that's about the same as the divorce rate in the United States, so going with her would be a pretty risky maneuver. 

5. Emma Stone

Freckles? I'm for 'em

I first saw Emma Stone in a show with Louis C.K. Called Lucky Louie in 2006. She was a kind of a bitch in that show, and she had a very small part, but in sparked something inside me. Later, she was in Superbad,  which made the spark grow hotter. I understand why Jonah Hill wanted to draw so many penis pictures for her. Then, Zombieland finally set it in stone; I loved this girl. Some may say she has a weird voice and too many freckles, but she doesn't. She's perfect. I think Easy A is my favorite role she's been in, especially in this defining scene. Upon re-reading this paragraph, I may not be totally over this one... Well, let's see how she and I would match up!

It appears that even Princess Jasmine and I have a better chance of making it work. But hey 65% is a D, and that's still a passing grade, right?

6. Jennifer Lawrence

You won't Rue being with me (see what I did there?)

And this brings us up to speed! I first saw Jennifer Lawrence in a (great) movie called Winter's Bone, but she wasn't supposed to be super attractive in that one. In fact, she was really poor and lived in the methiest part of the Ozarks.

Eh, I'd still be down

Then, I found out she was going to star in the movie adaptation of one of my recent favorite books, The Hunger Games! The movie was good, and I didn't even realize I had a crush until I found myself browsing Google Images of her and watching interviews. In fact, the interviews are what really solidified it; she is very funny and witty, unlike the hardness of most of her characters, and she's super cute to boot. That being said, I am pretty excited to find out what the Love Calculator has in store for me and Jennifer Lawrence so we can finally start our life together.

Oh man... rejection hurts! :( Well, Jennifer, if you're reading this you know that these love calculators are a bunch of crap, right? Right??

Well it looks like Nancy Thompson from Nightmare on Elm Street is my number 1 love match by a long shot! In a strange turn of events, Princess Jasmine is my number 2, at 69%. ...And since neither of those two girls are real, I'm going to cheat and default to my number 3 match, Emma Stone! Woo hoo! We may not last long, but it'll be good while it lasts! :)

BONUS!

There is one celebrity that I can't stand. Well, I don't like the characters she plays, anyway, so let's go over my anti-crush.

-1. Michelle Rodriguez

I totally didn't just use MS Paint to give her a mustache and dead tooth...

Michelle Rodriguez always plays the "badass chick" in movies and TV shows. Incidentally, she usually dies in these shows. Such shows are a bittersweet experience for me. She's probably okay in real life, but man... I can't stand her in movies. As you can tell by all my crushes, I usually go for more of the girl-next-door, nice girl thing, and Ms. Rodriguez is the opposite of that. Well... Let's put her through the Love Calculator and see what happens:

I SWEAR TO GOD I did not fake that score! Haha! What a satisfying way to end this post. I imagine the calculator gives everyone a 1% with Michelle Rodriguez, though.


So, there you have it, folks. My main love interests throughout my life. Who have you had an irrational celebrity crush on? And what are Dr. Love's calculations for you two love birds?