Stupid Things I Was Scared of As A Child!

Kids are stupid. (EDIT: Except for this kid)

That said, I was once a kid, and therefore was once stupid. It's not necessarily their fault, they just haven't had enough life experiences to tell them that what they're doing/thinking is retarded mentally defective ("retarded" didn't seem very PC so the thesaurus told me to put that instead. Then again, it also suggested "retardo").

I grew up with a morbid fascination with horror movies. My parents weren't super excited about this, so I usually had to wait until they went to sleep or go to the neighbor's house to give myself nightmares. I also frequently checked out Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, whose illustrations were always scarier than the actual stories. So let's see, I was a stupid little kid and my brain was full of cheesy horror plots... Needless to say, I had a lot of irrational fears as a kid, and the evidence shows that horror movies were a big contributing factor.

My parents had some friends they hung out with fairly regularly and I would always tag along as I was only about 3 or 4 at the time. There are three things I vividly remember about going to their house. For one, their ceiling was popcorn-textured, but it was sparkly! It had glitter in it or something; it was absolutely incredible. Here is an example of this glittery wonder. I remember just laying on the couch and staring up at the ceiling, and considering glitter popcorn it was popular in the 70's I imagine that was its intended purpose. Really, if you've never seen this stuff, I recommend you do.

Another thing I remember from those visits is that they had lots of good toys. Their son had a Nintendo Entertainment System with Excite Bike! And let me tell you, that game did make me excite. He was a lot older than I was and I would always beg him to hook up the NES so I could play it. If he were smart he would have just left it plugged in all the time. They also had these stupid little puzzles in a box where you would have to get the balls to go into their respective locations. They had tons of them.

My labyrinthine childhood

The thing I remember the most from going over there is their supreme television viewing options. They had a satellite dish, so they had all the channels I normally didn't get to watch. I remember watching lots of MTV over there, back before they changed their name to MTV. I remember one day they all went outside on the porch and they let me stay inside and watch the TV. I browsed until I found Child's Play. I vividly remember a scene where Chucky came out of the wall, jumped on some guy's back, and sliced his throat. I searched and searched on Google and YouTube to try and find this scene, but I can't find it at all. Considering I was a stupid little kid it probably doesn't even exist, I probably just made it up or something. But even still, every night before I'd go to bed I was SURE Chucky was going to come out of the wall and slice my throat, and I was ready for it every night for many many years after that fateful day. 

So that sucked.

I used to sleep on the top bunk of a bunk bed, and the room I was in had a vaulted ceiling with a ceiling fan at the top and every night my dad would turn on the fan before lights out. It was not very balanced and so it would kind of sway from side to side and make a ting-ting-ting noise as I slept. Well, for a long time I was afraid that fan was going to fall down on me and chop me up into pieces. An irrational thought, I know, but need I remind you I was but a wee stupid child? I knew that ceiling fans could chop people up because, again, I saw it in a horror movie. And, again, I cannot think of what movie it was, but in the movie the fan may or may not have had sharp blades attached to the fan blades. While trying to search for the movie, I stumbled upon someone else who is scared of the exact same thing! You have no idea what a relief it is to not be the only crazy person out there.

As a kid, urban myths were very popular. The quiet kid who sat in the back would say at recess, "Guys... my cousin flushed his lizard down the toilet and a few years later he went to the sewer and he grew into an alligator." And being stupid kids, we all believed it. One of my personal favorites was Bloody Mary, where if you go to a mirror and say "Bloody Mary" 13 times, the murderous Mary would appear in the mirror and kill you. Some friends and I would always play the "game" and we would sometimes get all the way up to 12 iterations and ALWAYS get too scared to continue. 

Well in the movie Candyman, if you said "Candyman" in the mirror 5 times you would summon a black guy who is made out of bees.

Clearly an original story. So one day I decided to try to summon Candyman, and this time I would NOT chicken out. I was too small to see the mirror over the sink, so I had to either stand on the tub or jump to see my own reflection. Well, I got to 5 iterations of "Candyman" but much to my surprise I didn't see him! Why I was trying to summon an otherworldly murder, I do not know. Anyway, I tried jumping up to get a better look and holy shit! "I saw him, Dad, I swear I saw him, I saw Candyman!" Turns out, I only saw my own reflection as I jumped up to see. Man, I was dumb.

Lastly, and perhaps the most irrational, was my fear of a robot on one wheel. I have no idea where this fear came from as I don't remember any scary movie about a robot on one wheel, other than maybe Rosie from the Jetsons. No, what I was scared of looked more like this:

Some scary shit

The one I was afraid of was about 1.5 feet tall and yellow. Again, no idea where this stemmed from, but I refused to let any of my limbs hang off the bed for fear that the stupid robot was going to cut them off. If I woke up and my hand was over the bed, I quickly pulled it back in and cursed myself, "HOW can you be so careless! You KNOW that thing will get you! You're lucky... THIS time." Clearly, the smartest option would be to move to the top bunk where I would be safe, so I did just that (remember the falling fan...?). That worked. For a while. 

There was a yellow ladder that went up to the top bunk which I considered as the only means of access to my helpless, sleeping body (this was before I was aware that Chucky busted through walls like the Kool Aid man). I was certain that the robot could switch out its wheel to one that could grip onto the ladder and wheel itself up and "get me." So then I started pulling the ladder up with me when I went to sleep. Up until embarrassingly recently, I didn't sleep with my hands or feet over the edge of the bed. 

While other kids had the Boogeyman under their beds, I had the tiny unbalanced robot under mine. Pretty sure I've never told anyone about the robot. Once again, you're welcome, Internet.

Random/Strange/Cool Pictures From My Old Phone!

My friend Lisa gave this site a pretty good plug, so here's likewise: Lisa's blog about random stuff and music. Apparently she'll do arts and crafts for you if you are no good at it yourself. I think I'm going to request a pair of knitted gloves with "LOVE" and "HATE" on the knuckles. And after I just Googled that, I'm a little sad that it is not an original idea. However, I'm pretty sure I could have some Love and Hate gloves that are way cooler that the examples I found.

Actually, heck with that. I think I'm just going to start knitting myself (sorry, LiLu). Why not? There is apparently a decent number to dudes who knit, as can be seen from this site: Men Who Knit. But still... after browsing the gallery, I'm mostly seeing baby socks and standard sweaters and stuff. My new hobby is going to be way manlier; I'm going to knit a grizzly bear, a beer cozy, and a can of WD-40. All while watching Wheel of Fortune with your Grandma.

Another nifty idea would be to make my own knitted Halloween costume. It would fit right in with my last few years' costumes of Quail Man, skin tight Gold Suit Man, and my homemade dog costume. And I know what you're probably saying, "Pics or it didn't happen." Well. That's true. And that may be a post for another day, but this is not the right time for internet humiliation. I normally have to work myself up to that.

No. In this episode I'm simply going to show you guys some pictures I took with my old phone and comment on them. Pretty standard material.

I don't know if it's legal to show some random person's license plate all willy nilly on the internet like this, and I'm too lazy to find out. But this is the baddest ass plate I've ever seen, and I'm not even a Satanist. I saw this while I was driving around town when I was going to school. You're probably thinking it is a vanity plate, but no, Friend, you are wrong; this is what the Kansas vanity plates look like. 

After the initial wave of awesomeness hits me like opening a hot oven, I notice that this is on a green, 90's Saturn. Not to be stereotypical, but I really like to think that the person who owns this is either an old lady, or just someone who wants nothing to do with a "666 BAD" license plate. "What do you mean I can't trade in my plate for a new one? Can't I trade with that guy? But I volunteered to drive on the church field trip!" 

The Engineering Library at KU is dedicated to this guy:

He was pretty freakin' smart, but damn... When I was completely slap-happy from being up super late studying, this guy's picture did not do me any favors. 

During my senior year a buddy and I watched a few episodes of The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross. He makes painting look so easy, so I got it into my head that I could be a master painter right away. I got online and ordered a Bob Ross paint kit so I could start bringing in the cash. The kit came with one episode of his show, which a friend and I followed along with. This was my first painting.

A happy little mountain

Apologies for my drunky face. A few weeks after my painting debut the sky near my parents' house got really pretty right before dusk, so I took a picture of that so I could paint it.

I never painted it.

I like to try new things, mostly with food. So when I heard about Mcdonad's McGangBang, I didn't need much persuasion. What's that? You've never heard of a McGangBang? Well, friends, let me explain how you can get your very own McGangBang. The sandwich consists of a Double Cheeseburger, with a McChicken patty split between the two patties of the burger. When ordering at McDonald's, simply ask for it by name; they will probably know what you're talking about. I know it sounds like a practical joke, but I swear it worked for me. This is what I got:

I ate it, too. It was awful.

I worked at a grocery store, Price Chopper, after I graduated while I was looking for a job more suited to the schooling I just put myself 10 years in debt for. The job search took a while, and Price Chopper wasn't ultra fun or anything, but it was easy, plus I liked my coworkers. Besides, if I hadn't worked at Price Chopper I never would have found this gem:

I'm not sure how this picture, of all the pictures of cats on the planet, got chosen to represent Always Save's cat food. Considering the bag costs a whopping $2.39, there are a few possible scenarios: 

1) They took the honest approach. 

Marketing Guy: "No, guys, you don't get it. Our cover cat needs to represent the feel for the cat food! Let's just snap a reaction shot of one of the taste-tester cats after he takes his first bite!"

Cat: *Eats bite, looks up* "You fuckers." 

2) They got lazy.

Marketing Guy: "Ok, so the boss needs a shot of the new cat food. He says it's not a big deal cuz the stuff is only like 2 bucks a bag and kind of people who will buy it aren't buying it for the artwork."

Marketing Girl: "Well, my grandma has a stuffed cat."

Marketing Guy: "Perfect."

3) It was all they could afford.

Marketing Guy: "Scott, put all the potential cover cats on that table so we can pick the best one."

Scott: "Well, here are the cats that showed up to the shoot..."

Marketing Guy: "......"

Marketing Girl: "My grandma has a stuffed cat."

Marketing Guy: "Perfect."

Book Review - Warriors: Into the Wild

In this edition of Woodn't Ya Know It, I will be reviewing and critiquing an American classic, Warriors: Into the Wild, by Erin Hunter. I stumbled upon this slice of Heaven during a leisurely stroll through Borders and seeing a display of several different books, each with similar covers. I noticed that each cover had cats on it. Obviously, I was sold.

Epic.

I knew that I had to at least experience the greatness that was Warriors, so I found an associate and asked him to direct me to the Warriors books. He asked me who I was buying for, as these books were found in the "Age 8 to 12" section, and when I told him it was clearly me, he gave me a pretty funny look. I am 100% positive that that look was respectful adoration. Likewise, the checkout girl laughed and asked me if I'd like a bag so the other shoppers wouldn't see what I'd just purchased, but she was just jealous buying this book was my idea and not hers.

The book is all about cats. Cats doing everyday cat things, like building clans and going to war, along with keeping in touch with the spirits of their ancestors. I'm pretty sure it's based on a true story. This all-original story is unlike any I've read, with a standard house cat, Rusty, who heads off into the woods to become a great warrior and save his newly joined clan, becoming a hero. If you think this sounds like Harry Potter, Star Wars, or Eragon in any way, you are wrong, mister. Because Rusty is a cat, you see. 

So there's Firepaw (or Rusty, in his house cat days) who is the protagonist who is as common a cat as you or I, then we have Graypaw who is Firepaw's friend who is a pretty great warrior. We also have Ravenpaw who is kind of clumsy and a pretty average warrior. The clan leader, Bluestar, is wise beyond her years, and always keeps a level head and makes good decisions. If you think I just described Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Dumbledore as cats, you are crazy.

There are four clans; ThunderClan - the noble and honorable cats (our heroes!), RiverClan - the cats who are fair and just, WindClan - the pussy cats (and I mean that in more ways than one), and ShadowClan - the asshole cats. Wait, what do you mean that sounds exactly like Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, and Slytherin? No, no, no, these are four CAT clans! 

There are a couple of antagonists in the mix, as every great story does. The ShadowClan are pretty obvious bad guys. I mean, with a name like that, they HAVE to be bad news. They are basically trying to get rid of the other clans by being huge pricks. Their leader, Brokenstar, is completely corrupt and bent on destruction and domination (totally not Voldemort). Then we have Tigerclaw, who is part of ThunderClan, and is Bluestar's right-hand cat. But Tigerclaw has been known to dip into the "dark arts," so to speak, but is he really a good cat or a bad cat? It's just so hard to tell (totally not Snape)!

Let me reiterate: this book is not Harry Potter.

I won't give away the thrilling ending, but the story is completely unpredictable the entire way through. Ok, so seriously, it may have been a tad predictable, but I must admit... I was entertained throughout the whole thing, even though I am double or triple the suggested age range. The strange thing is, these cats are actual cats, not personified cats who can do human things, but they have intelligent minds like a human. Imagine if you suddenly swapped brains with your cat and you had all the limitations of a cat. There's one point in the story where a cat makes some medicine, wraps it up in a leave, and ties the leaf up with twigs. How in the F does a cat do that with only a mouth and paws to work with??? Guess that's a mystery that'll have to wait until the movie comes out.

Anyway, there's a whole ton of books in this series, and if you are 8 to 12, I say go for it. If you are around 25 like me... well... just don't make fun of me. I read it mostly as a joke, it's not like I'm going to read the whole series or anything. 

Oh shit, what have I gotten myself into?

Thrift Store Adventures: Cats, Smirks, and Devil Trees!

In this edition of Thrift Store Adventures, we will visit a few items that are questionable to buy at a thrift store. Even more questionable is the fact that someone decided to donate these items thinking someone else would enjoy them. More questionable still, is that someone bought these items new assuming that a loved one or themselves would enjoy these strange pieces of wonder. I, however, do not question such things, because I am now enjoying these thrift store items more than a 25 year old male probably should.

First up, we have a gorgeous wooden picture frame with cutouts of cats. The frame would be just darling by itself, but what I like about it is that the previous owner left most of the pictures of her cats in the frame.

In the upper left we see a yellow cat looking up, with an outlet/receptacle in the background. Totally frame-worthy. To the right of that we see a cat looking slightly off to its right. Such a pose is reminiscent of various emo girls' Facebook profiles. At the lower left we have a cat laying seductively on a blanket with its underbelly showing. Meeeyow ;) The picture to the lower right is a bit hard to see, but if you click on the picture you'll see two unsuspecting cats. Above them, a woman's hand holding what I can only assume to be a pillow which she will then use to euthanize those poor kitties. The previous frame's owner is sick, why would she want to commemorate the last moment's of these cats' lives right before they are murdered? Who knows. 

Even sadder than kittens getting suffocated is the fact that the center picture is missing! All of the previous five cats were all different specimens, so the owner is obviously a crazy cat lady, and whatever picture was in the middle had to be a different cat/cats, and it must have been epic. What cat picture could out-awesome the beloved cat-looking-up-with-receptacles shot? Unfortunately, you and I will never know. But it must have been incredible.

Next, we have a jar I found. 

Pretty standard looking jar, sure. It features some soldiers all lined up around the perimeter of the jar, each with an oh-shit face. It's like they're about to witness someone accidentally push their grandma's wheelchair over a cliff. But wait, what's this - the guy on the left is smiling! Out of all the worried looking soldiers, only one looks happy about the whole state of affairs. Perhaps he put a hit out on the old lady? Maybe it's just a really nice day in JarLand. Maybe he is a little "slow" and just doesn't feel the tension in the air like everyone else. 

I have lots of questions about this jar. Why do they all look like someone is about to find their stash of dead hookers? And why is there one guy going against the grain? Is it a statement on society and how we all follow what's popular, and while we think that being trendy will make us happy it really makes us bare our teeth and look left, but if you don't follow the crowd you will be happy? Well that doesn't make sense, because Smiley is wearing exactly what everyone else is wearing. He's a consumer whore just like the rest of us, he can't fool me.

Lastly, we have a tree candle straight from hell. With a swan.

Out of all three items, this is the only one I bought, because... look at it! It's a candle of a tree eating a swan! This is why I go to thrift stores, so I can find ultra weird stuff like this. There are no markings on the candle so I don't know if it is handmade or widely produced, but in either case, why? Why does this exist? The swan is made out of plastic, too, so when the candle burns down that far, your house goes with it. That's why this tree is the devil. That and the fact that it's super effing creepy. There is evidence that this candle was once much larger, but the top has been cut off of it, leaving just the freaky-ass base, which is unfortunate. I would have liked to see the full nightmare-inducing product

So let's light this sucker up and see what it can do!

...holy shit

Jesus F, that's just awful. It comes complete with glowing eyes. The first thing I thought of when I saw this was the giant skull in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, where Indy had to steal those glowing Sankara Stones.

You have to admit, with the glowing eyes, they could be related.

Thus ends another fruitful journey to the local thrift stores. If I don't post again, blame it on the devil tree candle with swan.

Loneliness, County Jail, and Boners!

I'm feeling rather bored and lonesome today. Not my default setting, but there it is. I've been on my Arkansan adventure for about three months now and I haven't really gotten out there and tried too hard to make friends, so it's really my own fault. But in my own defense, I have been in school for the last 22 years of my life and it's way easier to meet people at school rather than at a job. It's especially easy meeting people in kindergarten, but I'll go into that in a little bit.

If I were living out the game The Sims right now, the diamond above my head would be green (meaning I'm happy) but my social bar would be very low.

That's exactly how I'm dressed in real life, too

Yes, getting that picture required me to find my copy of Sims 3, remember how to play, disallow my character to talk to anyone, not even his wife, for like 3 Sim-days, take a screenshot, and circle the Social bar in MSPaint. And I feel that that only illustrates my point. My Sim-wife is in the background playing video games on the computer, she didn't even care I was ignoring her. All this sulking makes me feel like Marvin the Paranoid Android. On the bright side, I realized how much fun that game is and played for a while. Much like my unloving virtual wife.

This Ides of March, however, seems to have smiled on me. I went for Chinese food for lunch today and my fortune was pretty encouraging, given my current state.

... in bed

I guess that means I can just lay back, relax, and watch the people get sucked into my orbit. But it better happen soon, there's only 2 weeks left this month! I'll keep you guys updated.

Last week I went on a site visit in Tulsa, OK for work. We are replacing all the lights in an old municipal building so we had to head over there and take light levels in each and every room. That meant going into all the locked or rarely seen rooms. I got to go into the police chief's office, a closet I'm sure no one has been in for many, many years (lots of super old computer manuals. And mold.) and of course... the jail! At first I didn't the cops were going to let us in there, but I was happy when I saw them unlocking the door. 

Unfortunately, I didn't get any pictures. I really, really wanted to, but I wasn't sure of how legal that was, considering they had 2 prisoners in there. The place smelled like sweat and poop. There was also tons of names carved into the cell walls, as if the prisoners throughout the years were proud to have been there... "CrotchThumper wuz here." The prisoners themselves were pretty boring, they were just laying in bed at like 1 pm. They watched us when we walked in, but I guess us talking about light fixtures was boring because they rolled over with their backs to us. The solitary confinement room was really gross. It was very dim, and it smelled worse than the rest of the jail. I looked up at the light and noticed what appeared to be blood splattered on it. Quite a work trip, indeed.

This story is kind of embarrassing, or kind of awesome, depending on how you look at it. I wasn't even going to put this on ol' Bloggy in the first place, but after figuring I'd gone to school for 22 years, something is compelling me to write this...

The date: 1991. The place: Mrs. Golliday's Kindergarten class. It was a normal day in class. I was sitting in Green Frog, the seating section I had been assigned, along with 5 of my classmates. We were filling out a connect-the-dots, a task I rather enjoyed and at which I considered myself quite good. That day, I wore a standard t-shirt and some gray sweat pants. I was a true fashion bug. 

By that point in my life, I had started getting boners. I can't remember when it started, but I believe I was somewhat an early bloomer. In fact, I just did a quick Google search that I will probably regret when I wind up in jail for child porn accusations. But that's not the point. The point is, I got them, and I had one that day in kindergarten class. Let me tell you, those gray sweatpants did nothing to hide it. Heck, I didn't even know I was SUPPOSED to hide it; I knew you weren't supposed to go waving it around, but I can't help it if it's there. 

The girl sitting next to me (I remember who, but I'll never tell... unless you ask nicely) saw my situation and asked what it was. I asked what she was talking about and she said, "That!" and pointed at it. I wasn't sure how to react to such a situation, so I was just like, "Uhh.." She said, "Is that a crayon eraser? Why did you put that in your pants?" and laughed, thinking I'd put an eraser in my pants as a joke. She was so naive.

I was packin'

She then started grabbing my junk and trying to pick up the "Crayon eraser" through my pants. I just kind of let it happen, no one had ever touched me there before and I was waaaay too young to enjoy it. I don't remember anything that happened after that moment. It was just a really, really weird experience and it was strange enough to stick with me all these years. I've barely told anyone that story, but now I've told everyone. You're welcome, Internet.

Take me away, feds.

Mexican Beverage Review!

I went grocery shopping at my new favorite grocery store, Harp's, and discovered that there are a lot of Mexican/Hispanic items there. That is likely due to the high population of Hispanic people in the area.

I took advantage of this and decided to try some different Mexican drinks I saw around the store, which were strangely all in different places. 

First up is Kern's Strawberry Kiwi Nectar. 

I didn't know this until I researched it a little after deciding to write this review, but Kern's is from California, not Mexico, so this list already fails. Perhaps it was the Spanish translation of "Strawberry Kiwi" that threw me off. Anyway, I will proceed with the review anyway, pretending this is straight from Tijuana. 

The first thing I notice is the little hummingbird at the top left corner. He seems cheery enough, but it got me wondering why they decided to put a hummingbird on their can. Don't hummingbirds basically drink sugar water with food coloring? Well, after tasting the drink, it became clear that this drink is basically just that. It is very sweet and sugary. I probably wouldn't mind it if I were in middle school, but with my more mature tastes, the sweetness makes me say "gross." 

The nectar does indeed have a strawberry kiwi kind of taste, but it is thicker than I expected, with a consistency of pulp free orange juice. Considering I drank this warm, mixed with the instant diabetes I got from the sugar, it was not a very pleasant experience. 

Final Score: C-

Next up is Jumex Guanabana Nectar. 

Guanabana?

My research tells me "it's not 'jew-mex' you racist, it's 'hu-mex.'" On a side note, my research is kind of an asshole. I got this because, well, what the hell is a guanabana??? I looked it up, and the picture on the can does not do this "fruit" justice. This thing is an alien.

Yuck

Extra yuck

The thing that gets me is that sometime, long ago, someone said "I want that in my mouth." The pile of wet, slimy, squishy stuff in the picture above certainly looks appetizing. 

The can says it is 100% nectar, and that it is from concentrate. The back of the can informs me that this product contains 20% juice. Something does not seem right, but going back and looking at the Kern's, I see that THAT is 20% juice as well. I also notice that I picked up two cans of "nectar." Yikes, I have a feeling I am in for another warm, sweet, thick experience, much like the experiences I have while wearing beer goggles. 

The taste is indeed thick, but not nearly as sweet as the Strawberry Kiwi. The best way I can describe it is that it tastes like milky pineapple juice. The nectar is also very light colored so it kind of drives the milky pineapple thing home. This would probably be pretty good in a mixed beverage, which will lead me to the beer goggles, and this whole thing will become a vicious cycle. 

Worth it though.

Final Score: B.2

The last drink I bought is Refresco Goya Coconut Soda.

Hooray, not another nectar! This coconut soda promises to be delicious, but at a price. And that price is $2.15. Yep, I paid over 2 bucks for a Mexican soda I'd never heard of. But heck, I like soda, and I like coconut. And I like Latinas. So there's no way I can go wrong here, right?

Well one good thing about this soda is that it tastes EXACTLY like coconuts. The bad thing about it is it tastes EXACTLY like coconuts. Raw coconuts, like if you buy one from the store and drink its blood. It is, however, my favorite drink of the bunch, probably because it's not another damn nectar. That Kern's hummingbird wouldn't come near this shit. 

Final Score: B+

Looks like we didn't have any solid winners this time, but what can you expect from random Mexican drinks? From a $2.15 drink? A lot, that's what. But you probably won't get it, and that's okay. It's the journey that counts, not the destination. I'm not sure if that quote fits, but that's what I'm going with.

Long, Random Post!

It has been some time since I posted a blog, and it's not because I hate you guys (I only strongly dislike). It is because I have been involved in numerous other sources of entertainment so after work I had to carefully allocate my time, and most of that time has been given to Veronica Mars. Yes, the same Veronica Mars that has been cancelled for 4 years and was probably mainly marketed to girls. Don't let that cloud your opinion, that show is intense as shit. Plus... Kristen Bell. Just Sayin'.

I've also been deep into Under the Dome by Stephen King, which I discussed here. I spend about 2 hours a night reading that crazy book, and I can read about 50 pages in those 2 hours. The book is 1074 pages long. So if my math is correct, and after some rounding, this book will take me 43 hours to read. And I'll tell ya, I'm gonna enjoy all 43 of those hours, even though I may absolutely hate some of the characters at the moment.

I figure in this post I'll just kind of fill you in on what's been going on while I've been ignoring my blogging duties. This is going to be very random. First off, there is a dead cat on the side of the road that I guess some car has hit. It's been there for about a week, but tonight when I drove home I noticed some of the nice kids have spray painted it blue. I know it was spray paint because they left the paint can sitting next to it, obviously proud of their work. These kids are our future, people. Actually, I take that back; the only person to make it big from Arkansas is Bill Clinton, and well... Yeah.

I DID however find a great grocery store to shop at! I may have mentioned how my favorite place to shop was Price Cutter, which is in the next town over. So if I wanted to get a few things I'd have to take a 20 minute drive to do so. Or I could just shop at Walmart which is right near me, but who wants to shop there? Not this guy. Then I found a wonderful store, Harps, which is much, much closer to me! I actually think they're owned by the same people, but this store is far superior, in a they're-not-superior kind of way! It reminds me of the small-town store my hometown used to have when I was little, Buy-Rite. Just imagine Arkansas. Like, stereotypical Arkansas. Now imagine going to a grocery store in the place you just imagined. This Harp's is that place! I went there tonight to pick up some supplies for a Taco Lasagna I plan on making, and it called for a green pepper. I go to the green peppers. I got to choose from a selection of 5, and those 5 were really more sea-green peppers. It was awesome. I took some pictures, but they might be kinda blurry cuz I took them kind of quickly. I was getting some looks from the bumpkins, me with my fancy cell-yoo-lurr phone.

The milk coolers had no lights, or if they did they were burnt out

The entire produce department, plus half of the floral

A dining area, but I saw no deli

Beautiful Bentonville. Woulda been better without all the trucks

In fact, there were two moving trucks in the parking lot, from two different companies. I can only assume that Harp's saves money on shipping stock by renting their own trucks. I also love Harp's because my cashier looked like he was straight from prison. I am almost surprised I didn't see a teardrop tattoo on his face, and his breath reeked of booze. I was so excited! Clearly, this is my new grocery store.

So, I will make that taco lasagna sometime this week, and I hope it turns out good, but here is my last attempt at cooking:

Don't judge a meatloaf by it's elephant-man-like cover

It looks awful, but actually tasted pretty good! If you can't tell (and I'm sure you can't) it is meatloaf. And although it ended up tasting okay, I wouldn't eat it while looking/thinking about my dog. 

In other news, I've had a lemon since the day I moved to Arkansas, 3 months ago. I never used it, and it just kind of lounged on my counter. It got all dry and shrively.

It's still good, right?

Instead of doing the normal, mature, I-just-moved-away-and-got-my-first-big-boy-job thing by throwing it away, I decided to dissect it, which proved to be much more fruitful (haha puns). The inside wasn't super exciting, but it DID smell just like Lemonheads candy. Win!

Grab me a Corona!

After the experiment, I went to Macadoodle's. It was a pretty common trip until I was leaving and noticed a Truck in the parking lot with an interesting license plate. At first, the graphic around the plate is what grabbed my attention; it's not everyday you see a dog on a plate. Then I read the vanity plate and had to laugh.

Don't sit on that seat

FAP!? Hahahaha, oh man, that's amazing. I don't even know if it is intentional, but between the FAP license plate and the sticker of Calvin having bodily fluids sprayed in his face by the wind... Well, it's just classic. If you don't know why "fap" is funny, you are probably either too old, or too popular and aren't online as much as I am. Explanation. 

Hmm, what else... I went to a thrift store and saw a lifesize cutout of basketballer, Dr. J.

The picture turned out blurry and his hands and feet are cut off cuz the camera operator is a noob. But the cutout was $20, a steal in most cases, especially considering Mr. Julius Erving played in the 70's and 80's, so this thing had to be old. But his arms were being supported by tape and paint-mixers. He's obviously out of practice if he has to use arm splints just to hold a cardboard basketball. Sheesh. 

So, over the weekend a friend came down and we bought a video game called Amnesia: The Dark Descent. It is a horror/survival game which got pretty good reviews, getting praises such as "scariest game ever," or "I pooped my pants." The usual. Well, I love horror movies and have played every Resident Evil and Silent Hill, along with Dead Space and all those kind of games. I'm pretty used to these kinds of games, and am familiar with most of their scare tactics. Well, Amnesia is different. For one, you don't have any weapons, but there are monsters. And they're fast as shit, too. 

Oh sweet God, get it away!

And the screen goes blurry if you look at the bad guys too long, which makes it even creepier. Your guy is combating insanity in this game, so it makes sense I guess. I have never screamed out loud during a video game until this game, and that was while playing with a friend, but it was okay when he was here. But when he left and I played it by myself. At night. With the lights out? Good Lord. At one point I was at a foggy location with suspenseful music, and so I was wide-eyed and looking at the screen, and I guess I leaned forward because the chair squeaked. Shitballs, man... I about pooped my pants. The review was right. Also, being 25 years old I haven't had a nightmare in years. My brain is smart enough to not worry about house creaks and what not, but not that night. I actually had to get up and watch funny videos online for a while before I could get back to sleep. Yikes.

Ok. You should be about caught up now. I did get some good stuff at the thrift store, but that will have to wait for another day. In the meantime, keep on fappin'.