Weird, Dirty, and Funny Search Keywords

I can't see who comes to my blog, but I can see what search keywords you used to find my blog. In other words, if you type "scat porn with furries" into Google and it brings up my blog (for obvious reasons) and you click the link, I can see the words you typed into Google to get here. Today, I'm going to share with you some of my favorite search keywords people have used to land on my little slice of the Internet.

I talk about some pretty weird stuff on this blog, so I get some pretty weird search terms. I also post a lot of picture, so most of the time it's an image search that brings people here. I am slightly ashamed of some of the things that direct people to my blog, and I know that writing about them in this post is only exacerbating the problem, but I do it all for you, Dear Reader.

I was thinking about posting pictures, but after searching a couple of these... just thank me for sticking to text.

"horse fucking woman" - this phrase is one of my top ten sources of random Google traffic, even though I have only ever mentioned horses like twice in my entire blog-lifetime. I am thinking of starting a bestiality website since that's apparently where all the traffic is. I will give my readers the benefit of the doubt here and assume that they all have Tourette Syndrome and accidentally type cuss words. They just meant to type "horse woman."  Although my Tourette Syndrome theory doesn't account for all the "horse mare vagina" and "Lisa in bed with horse" searches I get...

"fucking a store mannequin" - I have also mentioned mannequins only twice, but I have certainly not mentioned making sweet, sweet love to them. They were in some pretty provocative situations, though. Still, I feel like getting your hands on a blow up doll or something would be easier to get a hold of than a store mannequin. Less, ugh... rigid, too. Maybe the Googler was simply looking for a " fucking awesome store mannequin?"

"adventures of a rapist" - This sounds like the title of a terrible, yet lighthearted, movie about a guy with uncontrollable desires and probably mental problems.

"is it right for children to climb shirtless guys" - I have no idea how this search phrase brought someone to my blog, but based on the image this phrase is conjuring in my mind, the answer is definitely no.

"electrical banana dildo" - I... I don't even...

"binoculars and sex" - The only reason I can think to use binoculars during sex is if you're looking through the binoculars backwards. It would make everything look tiny, which would come in very handy if your partner is really fat.

"scabies in the armpits" - Scabies are microscopic little mites that burrow into your skin to cause intense itching. Again, thank me for not posting pictures, but it seems like the worst thing ever. Someone apparently had scabies in their armpits. I can't even make fun of this Googler, I just feel sorry for him!

"pictures of egyptian women throwing up" - That is a very, very specific fetish. How this search brought my blog up, I will never know.

"butchie the raping horse" - Although similar to "horse fucking woman" above, this search phrase is distinctly different. This horse is going around raping people! And we know its name - Butchie! If we know who this horse is, why aren't we doing something about it!

"are thrift stores bad" - Yes, these stores which almost universally support charity are clearly the work of Satan.

"dildo sandwich" - This just sounds funny. Although I hope if someone actually tries eating a dildo sandwich they use the rubbery ones instead of the metal ones. You don't want to be the person who eats a dildo sandwich AND has chipped teeth.

Those are some of my favorites, although I get dozens of incredibly strange search terms every week. People are weird. Check your blog stats and see what keywords people are using to get to your blog. What are some of your strange keywords?

Random Website Reviews!

I am fascinated with randomness. I don't know why that is - perhaps it's the nerd in me, or maybe I'm simply a robot. Games like Minecraft, where the entire world is randomly generated, blow my mind. I even play the lottery and hope those randomly drawn ping-pong balls have my numbers written on them.

Today, I'm going to be review a few randomly selected websites. And I mean completely random. I will use a random word generator, a random number generator, and Google to find a website and chime in with my two cents. This will either be very interesting or very porn-filled. Here we go.

First up, I'm going to try an adjective plus a noun. Let's see what we come up with... "Frustrated System." Okay, and my random number is 9. So I'll go to Google, type in "frustrated system" and review the ninth page. Looks like it's a Myspace music page!

The band is called The Dark Villager, and the song is called Frustrated on the album System. While most of their songs have less than 10 plays, it looks like I'm the 392nd listener to Frustrated! Okay, let's give it a listen...

Hmm I totally planned on making fun of this, but... it's actually kind of good. It is kind of trancy electronica from the UK. It reminds me that a few years ago, I decided to try my hand at producing my own techno music. I called myself Hobotronic, and I only completed two songs, both of which are on Myspace. I am pretty weird, so one song is about a hobo who writes techno music, and the other is about Hobby Lobby. Don't ask. You can listen to them here, by the way, but don't judge me - I was still in college and I was experimenting.

Due to how I unexpectedly enjoyed this random website, I'll give it 4 hearts (another random word from the generator).

Next, I'll try a noun + preposition + noun. "Smile Saving Culprit" and number 3. This one is a bit more depressing. It's a news story with the headline "Dog Shot with Crossbow Dead, Authorities Seek Culprit." 

It was in California and the dog had an injured spine and punctured lung and authorities had to put the dog down. That is super sad :( I don't like this one, but that's the risk I take going to a random website. I'm not sure exactly where the "smile" part comes into play. Normally I'm not a violent person, but I almost have to (sadistically) agree with one commenter to this story:

"One almost wishes the punishment would fit the crime. Let the culprit be shot over and over again with the crossbow. Don't kill him. Treat him without anesthesia or pain pills. Let him suffer as the dog suffered. Maybe learn his lesson."

Okay, that website gets 2 hearts, but only because it was sad. Let's hope the next website is a bit brighter!

 Now I will try a verb + adjective + noun. "Bed Pushing Far" and number 4. This one is a Facebook page called "how far can i push mommy off the bed at night." Exactly 1 person "likes" this page, but unfortunately I can't see who.

This page is very confusing to me for several reasons. Is this page for people who sleep with their mothers and push their moms off the bed during the night? Well Facebook has an age requirement of 13 years old, so best case scenario, some teenager is still sleeping with his or her mom. This conjures visions of incest and mental illness. Worst case, some middle aged woman is making a game out of how close she can push her elderly mother to the edge of the bed while she sleeps. Probably so she falls out of bed in the middle of the night, making it look like an accident. This has turned into a fun and challenging game every night, and so she decided to tell the world how much fun she's been having and so she created this Facebook page, but she is the only subscriber.

Except for me. I "liked" the page, but only out of irony. I don't like to sleep with my mom and push her to the edge of the bed... honest, guys... This page gets 2.5 hearts.

Okay, that was fun. Now I'm going to try a noun + verb + noun. "Art Accumulate Blind" and 8. It brings me to a website article titled "On Maximalism, 1: An Eye & an Eye: or What does Art Require of Us."

Phew. That was a tiring read. I don't know much about art history, so maybe that's why I didn't get this article, but the author seems to be trying way too hard. This is what I imagine the author to look like, but imagine him with an I'm-trying-to-sound-smart voice.

I am not sure, but I think the author is comparing art to a virus and that it gets into you and uses you and then you die. And he talks a lot about orifices. He says that art's preferred orifice is the eye, but any orifice will do. Well, I know of at least a couple orifices that I would like art to stay out of. This website gets π hearts (That's my artsy hipster way of rating things).

That's all for now. Stay tuned for more random stuff reviews!

Sincerely,
Hobotronic

Random Pictures from My Friends!

Over the weekend I pretty much just sat around because of my wisdom tooth recovery. During that time, I texted a few of my friends and asked them to send me a picture. Just a random picture, of anything. To my surprise, everyone responded (although one guy never sent a picture). It helped entertain me during my downtime, and so I decided to share the pictures I got.

Very random chair

Me at Geek.Kon with a hot Bomberman cosplayer!

My best friend's wife and their new dog

My friend's mom is obsessed with her daughter's violin skillz

Kinda creepy...

Copper!

I would murder a child.

Yes, that's a man.

Jealous.

I'm not the only one who goes to thrift stores

Bullet cat!

Siamese apple?

It's a penis-shaped bubble

Skyrim!

My friend's cookie contest entry

Raphael's bandanna with Leonardo's weapons. Conspiracy?

That was quite an entertaining night, especially on painkillers.

Oh, I got a Thrift Store Pen Pal item today!!! From Ginger Brad. I'll post tomorrow or sometime soon :)

Just Some Stuff!

I got a new job back home in Kansas! I started this blog because I moved to Arkansas where I knew no one at all. That left a ton of free time to mess around online or whatever, so I started Woodn't Ya Know It... It started off as just a regular blog, talking about my life and all that, but it kind of evolved into mostly thrift store stuff. See, when I moved here I also got into thrifting for the exact same reason (I had no friends), so the blogging and thrifting world kind of collided! Although I will have a much much fuller social life now that I'll be with friends and family, I realized I really enjoy blogging about the weird stuff I do so I'll definitely continue.

Because I'm quitting my Arkansas job, I have to use up my flex medical account money, so I decided to have my teeth looked at. I need my wisdom teeth pulled. So I'll be doing that bright and early tomorrow morning, meaning I'll be all drugged up on oxycodone this weekend. That means I probably won't be posting anything this weekend, and if I do, just disregard anything I say because it will likely be incoherent ramblings caused by my brain swimming in drug soup.

As my last solid meal for a couple weeks, I chose Panda Express, which I am currently eating. It was a good choice.

I got an award! It's the Versatile Blogger award, given to me by my friend Myli at Asian Girl Hearts White Boys! Her blog is all about sex, and she doesn't skimp on the details, so... just a warning before you click that link. Anyway, Myli is one of my amazing Thrift Store Pen Pals, and I am honored she decided to give me an award. Thanks, Myli! :)

I am not going to spread the award, mostly because of laziness, but I WILL post some of my favorite bloggers that you should check out, in no particular order!

Andrea - She has two blogs, each of which is pretty great.
Shane Pilgrim - This dude is funny and very honest, and he is a dominator at commenting on your blog posts.
Patrice - A real-life friend who is super-duper nice.
Nhya - Just a great, easy to read blog.
Storm - She has a food blog, and I can't put my finger on why, but I love it! We would be friends in real life.
Ginger Brad - Another real-life friend, who is also a future Thrift Store Pen Pal.
Laura - A bubbly, mostly lighthearted blog, which is good for reading at work. Not that I do that.
O Galleghure - He recently submitted a most-entertaining Pen Pal review. And he's kind of nerdy. :)
Nicole - She's just super awesome. We'd definitely be real-life friends.
Jasmine - If you're a vegetarian, she's got you covered. I'm not, but I stick around for the pretty pictures.
Dad to Libbs - His blog is about his little girl, but in reality it's just random, fun pop culture stuff.
Tanyabell - She posts a lot and always has a new, thrifty outfit on. Even if you're not into fashion, it's fun :)
IHateEverything - This girl cracks me up. We have similar senses of humor, but hers is more hatey.
RetroFlirt - She posts about music and thrifty stuff. Nothing wrong with that.
rosewater49 - He's my dad. He posts some pretty hilarious stories, although he doesn't update super often.
J. Littlejohn - This guy is just hilarious.

I probably missed a bunch, but that's who came to mind. I promise I'll make it up to you, whoever I missed! :(

In other news, I'm running low on Thrift Store Pen Pals and running high on random things to send! I don't know if this is due to lack of interest or apprehension, but you should sign up! I won't anthrax you, promise.

Thrift Store Adventures: Randomness!

Sometimes I like categorizing my Thrift Store Adventures into themes, but sometimes I'd just rather go completely random, like today!

I picked up this awesome lamp with a built-in end table at the Salvation Army:

After some TLC it is looking a little better, and it brings me one step closer to transforming my house into a sweet '60s pad. My hope is that once I fill my house with nothing but things from pre-1980, I will travel back in time. I'll keep you guys updated on that...

See that little clock on the tablelamp? Well it's awesome:

It is a fold-up travel alarm clock from the '60s! It is key-wound so if you're planning on actually using this alarm clock you'd better hope you remembered to wind it the night before. Actually, I tested it out and it lasts a good couple days, and actually keeps time. I'm quite happy with it :)

A lot of people have been asking me about the state of the inside of my house due to all these thrift store items I always post. I actually only BUY a small number of the items I show on this site. You can usually tell whether I bought it or not by the background; if it looks like a house, it's in my house. If it looks like the picture's taken from a store, I just left it there, to rot. I have also gotten requests to see pictures of the inside of my house, which actually isn't all that interesting, but I think I will soon oblige in a future post.

This picture is interesting, not because of the content, but because it was in a thrift store:

To me, the point of donating to Goodwill or the Salvation Army or other thrift stores is so that the less fortunate (or I) can find cheap used items that the previous owner no longer needs or wants. Finding personal baby photos like this is just boggling to me.

"What about this, honey? Should we donate this?"
"Oh, the first pictures we have of little Ronnie? ... Yeah, I think we'd better donate that, someone else needs it more than we do."

On the other hand, something like this boggles my mind for another reason:

How could anyone give away their framed Golden Girls stencil-art picture! Oh my goodness. The frame is covered in rainbow stickers. What a masterpiece. I was tempted to buy this for the humor value, but I'm not sure if anyone would understand... I would send it away as a Thrift Store Pen Pal item, but I figured the glass would break during shipping and I'd end up with a lawsuit.

At first I thought this was a picture of Jesus:

Then I realized it was just a picture of Jesus. As in, "hey-zoos." What a weird picture, although he does look quite pleasant! He's giving a look of "something good just happened, but I'm only mildly interested." That's the exact look I'd have if I found out I won an eBay auction for wool socks or something.

Here's another, even weirder Jesus item:

They always told me Jesus was going to return from the dead, but they never told me he'd be a mummy! Zoinks, Scoob! I have no idea what this thing is, but it's really stupid looking. It just looks like a Jesus cactus to me, and judging by his face, he's pissed about it. I think I'd rather be crucified than have my entire body wrapped in masking tape like that.

I found a signed copy of a movie!

Too bad the movie is Commander Kellie and the Superkids: The Sword. I checked the back and each one of the signatures corresponds with a character in the movie. At first I thought someone just wrote these names on the cover, but they look pretty legit to me. I can't believe I found such a rare piece of memorabilia... Off to eBay to make my fortune!

This is the movie Pinocchio:

Although you wouldn't know it just based on the cover art. I don't understand the logic of putting some random chick's face on the cover of freaking Pinocchio. Okay, I get that she plays Pinocchio in the movie, but isn't Pinocchio trying to be a real BOY? This picture is clearly a WOMAN.

I did some research on Sandy Duncan and found out that she has a glass eye, which makes it subtly hilarious that the price sticker is directly over her eye.

Here's another classic, Tubby the Tuba:

Tubby is trying everything he can to get you to like him. He even boasts that he has "FREE POPCORN ENCLOSED" on the cover of the movie! I checked and no, there was no popcorn, which is probably a good thing because I would have felt personally challenged to eat it had it still been there. Anyway, Tubby has no friends, as is illustrated by the fact that he's blowing himself. The tuba is blowing himself. On the cover of a children's movie.

Lastly, we have Big Big Story Book, a big story book:

Although by itself, this is hardly material for my blog (except for the fact that the poodle has demon-red eyes and those sadistic kids dressed their pet donkey up as a clown), but the real treasure is on the inside cover:

"To Sharon

From Lester

I hate you Norma and Carroll and Skipper. I hate you."

Damn. That's harsh! The fact that the entire note is in the same handwriting kind of makes me laugh. That means that when Lester chose to give Sharon this book he also felt the need to include a hate note to three other people. Sharon is sure-as-shit going to see that note when she opens the book, so I can only surmise that Sharon and Lester share a mutual hatred of poor Norma and Carroll and Skipper, and this note will only help to bring them closer together. Love bound by hate. Poetic.

If I can find completely random/awesome little notes like that in completely random books, imagine what else is out there, undiscovered and forgotten! Ah thrift stores, how I love thee.

Neighbor Kids, Precious Moments, and Rock Shows

Some of my more seasoned readers may know of my plight with the neighborhood kids; they throw redneck gang signs when I drive by, run out in front of my car, ruin my lawn mower, and set up retarded tire swings.

Recently, with the start of football season, I realized that pee-wee football practice takes place practically in my backyard. Directly beyond my fence is a large grassy area behind the elementary school administrative building. About 4 out of 5 days of the week the grassy area becomes crowded with redneck parent after redneck parent, each with lawn chairs and Snuggies. During scrimmages, the parents yell, hoot, and holler as if they are watching a real football game, although the kids are seriously like 5 years old. I get to hear all the cheering and whistle blowing all week. So that's fun.

The other neighborhood kids must have read my blog posts making fun of them because I have been finding "traps" around my duplex. I keep finding baseball-sized rocks in my driveway and in front of my mailbox, and today I found a big rock in my yard. I am assuming the purpose of these rocks for me to drive over them and ruin my car, or mow over them and ruin my lawn mower blades, but it is nearly impossible not to spot them. I'm almost certain it is the neighborhood kids because they are the only people I ever see in my neighborhood; I think they have killed all the adults and this is their warning for me to leave. Either way, I may be a nice guy, but I'm not afraid to murder a child.

Last weekend I went to Kansas with my awesome gf. On the way, there are a bunch of billboards for the Precious Moments Chapel in Cathage, Missouri. For those who don't know, yes you do - they are those horrible little figurines with the sad, sad eyes.

Every person in the Precious Moments world looks like a child, which is strange in itself, but look at that picture. It looks like someone out of frame is holding a gun to their heads and forcing them to "act natural" for a ransom picture. 

Well, despite our better judgement, we decided to stop at the Chapel and have a look around. At best, we'd get to see some creepy blog material. At worst, we'd become sex slaves in a dank, dark basement. Unfortunately, the museum was closed, but here is what you see when you walk into the chapel visitors' center.

That room is filled with giant animatronic Precious Moments figures. Their heads and arms move and it feels like they are watching you as you walk by... When you walk into the shops, you can buy whatever Precious Moments mementos you want. Walking further down the path we see this.

That's a statue of a giant baby holding a smaller, deader baby. Very creepy. We continued outside and followed the path, walking between rows and rows of terrifying figures smiling and waving at us, when we found the chapel.

It actually looks pretty cool from all the way back here. We got closer and the door was really intricate, so I took a picture.

There was some religious saying on the door I took a shot of, and I got some bonus sun rays! I didn't even mean for that to happen, but it turned out kinda cool. Perhaps it's a sign... a sign that I should leave. But instead, we went in. There were tons of Precious Moments paintings and crap all over the walls.

This place was a lot bigger than my phone's camera does justice. If you look closely, you'll see that the ceiling is covered in flying babies. That giant painting in the back there? Here it is close-up.

That's my special lady friend in front to compare size. She's like 10 feet in front of it, too. This thing was massive. If  you look, you'll see that the "Welcome" sign us upside down. That's creepy to me, kind of like an upside down cross or something. You can also find Jesus in there, if you look hard enough.

There was a LOT more to this place, but conveying the true amount of weirdness of this place would take more time than I'm willing to put in. The rest of the weekend was filled with friends and fun, and later on we found some pretty great thrift store stuff, but that will have to wait for another post.

Next subject.

On Monday, my gf asked me if I'd go to a concert with her the next night if she won tickets. I asked her how she could win tickets and she said that she'd have to listen to the radio and call in. So basically, I was not expecting to go the the concert. That seems like a super long shot. I got a phone call a couple hours later with a frantically excited girl on the other end saying she'd won the tickets she wanted! I was thoroughly impressed by this, as I have never heard of someone planning a night around such a slim possibility and it actually working in their favor.

The show was Blue October, who I hadn't heard of, but I love live music so I figured it would be fun regardless. The opener was a guitar-and-drum duo, IAMDYNAMITE, who fucking dominated. I didn't know so much energy and awesomeness could come from two people, but it was fantastic. 

Blue October was good, but a short, large Mexican guy kept grinding on me. I pushed him away several times and asked him to stop, but he kept rubbing up on me and messing with my hair. I don't think he was gay, but I am 98% sure he was on ecstasy. That whole thing ended with the guys next to me getting into it with him and security kicking him out. Everyone cheered. 

At the end of Blue October's set, they threw their picks and drumsticks to the crowd and my girlfriend got hit in the face with a pick. It was kind of awesome! I kind of wish she'd caught it in her mouth. 

As we were leaving, we saw the guys from IAMDYNAMITE mingling with the crowd, so we walked up and gave each of them big, sweaty bear-hugs. It was great :) We talked for a bit and they were super cool, and they even signed a bumper sticker and a CD I bought. Such a fun night! I'd never heard of them before last night, but from here on out, I'm sold. 

Thrift Store Adventures: Various Things I Bought!

I'm too tired from the holiday weekend to come up with a good theme today, so I'm just going to show you some fun things I've picked up recently.

But first! Everyone interested should sign up for a chance to be my Thrift Store Pen Pal extra-early this week :) I'm doing something very nerdy in Wisconsin this weekend and will be leaving on Thursday, so I will likely pick a new Pen Pal on Wednesday night or Thursday morning. By the way, my computer randomly chose Myli from Asian Girl Hearts White Boys to be last week's Pen Pal! Before clicking that link, though, know that her blog is a bit... shocking. Fair warning.

We shall begin, yes? First up is what appears to be a cheese tray.

This thing is great for a lot of reasons. It is an awesome Japanese-made wooden tray with a tile embedded into it with a fork and a knife. What really convinced me to shell out a whopping $3.00 for this is the design and colors of the tile. It's marvelous. I want to decorate my entire house with those colors, or at the very least dye my whole body to match.

Why did I buy this? Because it was cheap, stylish, and my brain wants to start a family with that color combo.

Next up is a plate.

I originally thought this plate was done by a child, but the back of the plate says "Louisville Stoneware," which I looked up. It's a professional plate, it just LOOKS amateur. Very sneaky. 

Why did I buy this? I think it was an impulse buy, but it's hard to get buyer's remorse on a $0.50 plate. However, I do like things that are styled simply, so it kinda fits!

Here is an awesome pottery elephant.

He's a pretty great elephant from this angle, but gets better in the next angle:

He's starting to look a little strange, but it isn't until you see him straight on - when he's looking you right in the eyes - that his strangeness can be fully appreciated:

Gah! What's wrong with its eyes..? :(

Why did I buy this? I love weird/funny things so Mr. Elephant here will be a welcome addition into my home (and a steal at $0.75!).

Next up is a nondescript deck of cards...

...or at least you THINK it's nondescript! It wasn't until I opened the cards' box that their true awesomeness washed over me.

What stands out most about this deck of cards? Obviously, it's the fact that they smell like concentrated Eau De Old-Lady. But since you can't smell them, it's the fact that instead of A, K, Q, and J they are labeled 1, R, D, and V! After some research I learned that they are French, and that R, D, and V stand for Roi, Dame, and Valet. 

Why did I buy this? Well, $2.00 seems a bit steep for used cards, but I couldn't pass them up. The face cards and all the suits have fantastic graphic design. Plus, the smell of old lady perfume really gets me going.

Finally, we have another plate!

Normally, I wouldn't buy something this hideous - it goes against my grandma-stylings - but I saw that the back of it was signed and numbered so I took a huge risk and bought it for $3.50. The plate depicts a muscley guy wearing Raiden's hat from Mortal Kombat, holding a baby, with a giant black panther in the background. 

Why did I buy this? I looked it up when I got home and saw that it was going for like $250, in the box. I was shocked! This plate didn't come with the box but even if I sell this for like $20 I'll still make a good profit and pay for everything in this post, twice. Too bad I'm usually too lazy to actually sell anything...

On an unrelated note, anyone want to buy a beautiful decorative plate :D

Stream of Consciousness!

In a previous post, I unraveled the stream of consciousness ramblings I found imprinted on a cup and saucer I found. A fellow blogger had the idea that we should all do a stream of consciousness blog and then compare and contrast, so that's what I did earlier today. If anyone wants to join in on the fun... it's pretty fun! Although, I must admit, I omitted some of what popped into my head, for which you should go ahead and thank me. 

Today is really boring at work. Not that I’m typing this at work, if any coworkers are reading this. No, really… The pens that the Square D reps gave us are really crappy. Every 8^th click of the pen, the tip gets stuck out. That sounds really dirty, but it’s not. This banana looks pretty good. I’ve been eating a lot of bananas lately. Supposedly they are really good for you. In fact, I read that they should change the saying from “an apple a day…” to “a banana a day keeps the doctor away.” So I’m sold. The price code on bananas is 4011. I know this from my extensive grocery store experience. Price chopper was my first job when I was 15, then I went back when I was about 20, and again when I was 25 when I couldn’t find a job after college. It is frustrating working at a grocery store when you have an Electrical Engineering degree. When I finally found a job I didn’t give my two week notice, but rather a 2 day notice. And I didn’t come in those two days. I almost felt bad, but it was pretty liberating saying I was going to earn in one day at my new job what I made in an entire week at the grocery store. Arc flashes are scary business. I wouldn’t want to be an electrician. My cubicle mate is sick today, I hope I don’t get what she has. I hate being sick, and I always seem to get sick at the most inopportune times. Then again, maybe I’m just a hypochondriac. Allergies are really bad around Northwest Arkansas. A guy came to my door selling internet and TV yesterday. It was really hot outside, so when he shook my hand, my hand came away drenched in his sweat. It was gross. Then he said his allergies were really bad. I didn’t buy his internet because he said I would have to pay like $500 up front. I don’t know how they expect people to be OK with that. I guess there is a place around here called Dogpatch USA. What a weird name. Supposedly it used to be a redneck-themed park, or in other words (since we’re in Arkansas) a park. But that’s just speculation. I want to go to Harry Potter World in Florida and drink butterbeer. I also want to play Dead Space 2, but the friend who has it never lets me come over to play :( I just want to invent something or create something and live off royalties. Or win the lottery. I always play, but never win anything, but that’s OK. I think part of the fun is to be able to say, “If I win the lottery…” which you can’t honestly say if you never play. A couple dollars a week is worth the cheap entertainment to me. Stream of consciousness is kind of hard when your mind is blank. My “cute animals” calendar (which no one seems to find the humor in, except for me) has a really ugly cat for the month of June. I am excited to get to July, but I refuse to look ahead and see what it will be because I like for it to be a surprise every month. It will probably be another donkey or something. I say “another” because one month it was a pony wearing a hat. “Cuz you’re hot then you’re cold, you’re yes then you’re no…” I think I like Katy Perry way more than a 25 year old man should. Guilty pleasure. Which is weird, considering I used to be strictly hard rock. I’ve grown up so much.  Oh man. I don’t know what to do. I have no idea where this scar on my arm came from. Everyone asks me. I think it may have been from a childhood cat or something. It is really interesting because there is a mole ON the scar, which I wouldn’t have thought possible. There is a new restaurant here called Cheezy’s. I really don’t like that name, I think it sounds like a rip off of Cheddar’s. I am, however, intrigued to try their food. I like to try all restaurants, which could get expensive if I let that habit get out of hand. A friend and I are discussing (through text message) the merits of Ramen noodles and draining the water out of it before adding the powder. I had an ex-girlfriend who got mad at me if I drank the Ramen water. She said it had too much sodium. And also, she was crazy. Creamy chicken is the best Ramen flavor, by the way. Tough actin’ Tinactin. I sometimes like dubstep music. It is just so bassy and warbly, I can’t help myself. I set glue spider traps out last night and I caught one this morning. I told my boss about it and when he asked if I caught anything, I told him I caught one and was going to grill him up tonight. He, and other coworkers, just gave me looks like I was crazy, obviously missing the humor or just thinking I’m weird. I am kind of weird. But I like it. At least I’m happy and nice :)

The Secret of the Cup and Saucer!

I can accredit this post to my sister who found this greatest-ever cup and saucer. I was visiting her in Kansas and (surprise, surprise) we went to a thrift store to check out the wares. It turns out, since the Overland Park area has so many rich people, their thrift stores have way more/better quality stuff. In Arkansas I mostly just find chipped Precious Moments figurines and broken fondue sets.

Anyway, this is my tribute to the greatest cup and saucer ever made. I say this not only because I have never felt any emotion toward a cup and saucer before now, but because this particular set holds a secret message imprinted into it! Take a look:

I will forgive its puke-green color

I have previously confessed my love for personal mementos found at thrift stores, so finding this made for a happy day. I'll be honest though, I was hoping for the message said something like, "I can't stand living in this house anymore. Susan just won't shut up, and all these cats are driving me insane! I want to leave but I know they're still watching me. I'll just have to take care of Susan and each one of those cats myself..." 

Instead, I feel like this guy (and I do think the artist is a guy, but I don't know why) was in an art class or something and just putting down whatever popped into his head at the time, which seems kind of lame until you realize that each one of these letters had to be put into the wet clay cup/saucer one letter at a time. And there are over 1000 characters imprinted into the cup and saucer (thank you MS Word). 

I am going to transcribe the entire secret message below, but will add any punctuation and spacing that will make it easier to read. I am keeping the typos and grammar errors though, just because. 

"I am going to try to spiral this one. I hope it works out. Michelle is writing down something. It's time for lunch. Back from lunch. It was OK. Acredidation guy talked to Roy, Jason, Sara, and me about our department. I would like to go outside but the cup will dry too fast. Damn. Rob is talking about a English teacher who has three different toupees. Actually more like a full wig. Karen is talking about Mimi's armpits and also ingrown hairs. Yuck. Victor is watching me and says he's being hypnotized. I dunno what to put on here. Kaori is casting. Gabriel is throwing Becca too. Victor is talking about hickeys. This is my last cup. This makes me happy. I need to do somethig new....."

Can you read this?

"We're talking about Days of Our Lives and how Marlena was possessed by the devil. There's computer chip in John's and Princess Gina's head. Stepheno is the evil one obsessed with Marlena and locked in a cage. I started to cry I was laughing so hard. It's Michelle and Becca's favorite soap, they tape it everyday. Now stories of deceiving parents. This is too funny. Now it's onto car explosions and accidents. I want to go outside. Driver's training stories and about the work horse and Cathy drove over the ladies lawn to impress Jordan... I just stopped watching the sexy bachelor thing. It was real bad."

If that isn't prime entertainment, I don't know what is. Or maybe I'm just really strange and get my kicks in unusual ways. Either way, kudos to whoever made this, and even more kudos to whoever felt it wasn't worth keeping and donated it to the thrift store. You never know what you'll find.