Thrift Store Adventures: Sexy Things!

I have come across many odd treasures in my thrift store excursions - sometimes funny, sometimes creepy, sometimes just plain weird. I often make sexual references for the sake of a cheap laugh, but most of the time I have to stretch pretty far to make the innuendo. Today I will show you a collection of things I've found in which there was no stretching involved and that make you wonder how such things got made in the first place. This list is in order of least- to most-blatantly sexual.

5. Crotch Hole Clown

Clowns are supposed to be happy (or terrifying, to some), but the look on this little guy's face is something akin to soul-crushing. It could be the fact that he has holes in his shoes, or even the simple fact that his life decisions led him to clown-dom, but when you take a closer look you see that his shoe isn't the only thing with a hole - he's missing what should be placed in his crotch.

An empty crotch makes an empty heart. This product was obviously designed for SOMETHING but I can't figure out what. Perhaps it is a candle holder? If so, I don't think "sadness" would be the proper emotion for your junk being alight and melting. Horror, panic, and hysteria would be on the top of my list. To test the candle theory, I put a large candle in the clown's crotch hole to see how it looked. I would have taken a picture, but some lady was looking at me weird.

This is 5th place because although slightly sexual, the other items on the list are way easier. No pun intended.

4. Sexy-Time Cherub

This little guy is sitting atop what appears to be a jewelry box covered in grapes. And boy, our angel friend here cannot wait for you to pluck his fruit! It looks like this baby is jealous of what Cupid's got going on and decided to try his luck pointing his arrow at the ladies.

His face is one of suave relaxation, even impassivity, especially considering he looks just like The Godfather. Let's hope YOUR godfather never gives you this pose, though.

This little baby is in 4th place because it is not super sexual, but I can't conceive a single reason as to why he is posed like that.

3. Nasty Newsie Doll

All I know about the life of a newsie is from the Disney musical "Newsies," in which a bunch of newspaper-peddling kids go on strike or something. The movie failed to make any mention of BJ's, however, and I think this doll offers a differing view of how hard life really was in 1899.

You might say, "You pervert, he's clearly saying, 'Extry, extry, read all about it!' or something, not performing felacio." to which I say, "You're probably right." But that doesn't detract from the fact that, unless you understood that his driving hat implies that he's a news boy rather than a dapper young gigolo, he looks like he's giving head.

This guy is in 3rd place due to the graphic nature of his mouth.

2. Gobblin' Gary

Gary is very similar to the Newsie up there. It really makes me wonder what people think when they produce things. Really, the best way to describe this statue thing is from a quote from Super Troopers: "Open your throat, relax the jaw. Don't forget to cup the balls."

Although Gary could possibly be a wine holder, I don't know anyone who would willingly put this thing in their house. If I had it (no, I did not buy it), I would put a summer sausage in his hand/mouth. It doesn't look like he has teeth, so that's a bonus for the sausage.

Gary comes in 2nd place today because he is so obvious he made me do a double-take. And he has a Hitler 'stache.

1. Sexy Female Mannequin #131

This gal was crawling around on the floor of a local antique mall. Judging by her sun hat, she's clearly there to shop, but her choice in clothing was a bit questionable. I can understand that she wanted to see the detail on the underside of that chair, but whoever was sitting on that green couch got an eye-full!

My research leads me to needing some eye bleach. It also uncovered that the above mannequin is aptly named Sexy Female Mannequin #131. Not a name I would have chosen, but a rose by any other name... The weird thing about SFM#131 is that she was just sitting there, amid the cross-stitched pillows and old lady furniture, trying to entice someone to take her home, like the saddest Siren. I also have to wonder why she's wearing sexy lingerie and a grandma hat. Although I guess she could be an old lady mannequin. With huge boobs.

SFM#131 wins 1st place in the sexy thrift store things list! The reason being, obviously, that she is a well-endowed mannequin wearing a tight shirt and sheer panties. Not a tough call. Congratulations, SFM#131!!!