Jennifer Lawrence and Other Love Interests

The Hunger Games movie just came out and I think I have a crush on Jennifer Lawrence. We've all had our celebrity crushes, as irrational and unlikely as they may be. I'm not talking about times where you say, "I swear it, Selena Gomez wrote Love You Like a Love Song about ME!" or, "Oh, Steve Buscemi is so hot, I love him." No, I'm talking about actual crushes where, for whatever reason, you actually like someone. Someone very special. Today, I will go through my unabridged list of crushes through the years and then use an advanced scientific love calculator to find my one true love.

1. Princess Jasmine

That's not the tiger purring; it's me

Princess Jasmine was my first-ever crush. She was just plain hot. Although Aladdin came out in 1992 when I was 6, it wasn't until a couple years later when I had the VHS copy that I fell in love with her. I guess my prepubescent 6 year old self couldn't cope with the sultry princess. I clearly remember watching Aladdin with a friend - we would pause the tape and go up to the TV screen and "kiss" her. It was pure romance! That jerk Aladdin would always come on screen and cockblock me though. At least the genie was on my side. But how does the Love Calculator think this cartoon princess and I would match up?

Hey, not bad! And everyone knows that 69 is the number of love... which gives a very strange mental image considering I was like 8 years old when I was crushing on her.

Then I got really into horror movies.

2. Nancy Thompson

Those killer curly bangs really did it for me

The actress' real name is Heather Langenkamp, but I was only into the Nancy character from Nightmare on Elm Street. She must have had that girl-next-door vibe about her. When her boyfriend in the movie, Johnny Depp, died I figured she was all mine. I didn't consider that she would probably have a bunch of baggage considering her bf just got eaten and puked back up by his bed. I guess I wasn't the only one who wanted to be her new boyfriend, though, as is evidenced by this awesome gif:

Freddy turned into Nancy's phone and said, "I'm your boyfriend now, Nancy!" and licked her. Pure art. I definitely still love these movies! <3 Let's see how compatible Nancy and I are:

Wow, that's a solid B! I'd imagine our conversations over dinner would be a little one-sided though - she is constantly tormented by a guy who tries to kill her in her dreams, and I... like thrift stores and drive a Ford Focus.

3. Angie Everhart

I obviously didn't mind the age difference

Ms. Everhart was in a quaint little film called Tales from the Crypt: Bordello of Blood in which she was the queen vampire who ran an entire whorehouse full of other well-endowed vampire hookers. I think it was nominated for an Oscar.

"Uhh... can we skip the foreplay tonight, honey?"

The movie came out in 1996 when I was but a wee 10 year old lad, so I don't know what I found so appealing about her. Probably that she was in a vampire whore movie and had boobs. Let's see how she and I match up:

Hmm. Well, I guess it was never meant to be. She IS 17 years older than me, about twice my age when I fell in one-side love with her. Oh well.

4. Neve Campbell

Everyone seemed to love Neve Campbell in the '90s, and I was no exception. I first fell in love when I saw her in the movies Scream and The Craft, both of which, incidentally, also came out in 1996 with Bordello of Blood. This leads me to two conclusions about myself: 1) I really like horror movie girls, and 2) 1996 was a very confusing year for me. Nevertheless, I was pretty into her. I even printed out a picture of her and taped it to my school Trapper Keeper; it was her in a bathtub with milk running down her and the caption said, "Got Neve?" It was pretty lame. I wanted to share the picture but I can't seem to find it. Apparently, after 1996 the Internet deemed the picture to be too stupid. Well, how does the faithful Love Calculator find the two of us?

Ouch. That's a kick right to the heart. And here I was thinking that she could be the one. The Love Calculator even gave "Sidney" and "Billy and Stuart" (her character in scream and her would-be killers) a 35%. If they had a 35% and they were trying to kill her, imagine what I would try to do to her! 

From there on, my celebrity crushes dried up a bit. Maybe because I started getting actual girlfriends. There were a few more, like Jessica Alba, but everyone was in love with her. I think she was my main celebrity crush throughout high school, but she's too obvious so I'll just skip right to the most recent girls.

4. Jillian Mayer

If any of you have ever questioned my level of weirdness, just keep reading. It's a bit of a stretch to include her on the celebrity crushes list, but here she is anyway, for the sake of comedy. Jillian and I only had about a week-long fling, but I was pretty into her during that week. Little was known about her at the time other than that she produced this amazing video:

There was a lot I liked about her: she was pretty cute and normal looking... on the surface. Then she gets in all sorts of insane costumes (which I have been known to do) and writes an insane song with super awesome electronic voice effects (which I have also been known to do). Not to mention, she had the cojones to put this video on YouTube! I saw the video when it had less than 1000 views so I felt that we bonded.

Then once the video got popular it turned out she was super pretentious about herself. Well, let's see how this odd duck and I would fare romantically!

Looks like we have about a 50/50 chance. Coincidentally, that's about the same as the divorce rate in the United States, so going with her would be a pretty risky maneuver. 

5. Emma Stone

Freckles? I'm for 'em

I first saw Emma Stone in a show with Louis C.K. Called Lucky Louie in 2006. She was a kind of a bitch in that show, and she had a very small part, but in sparked something inside me. Later, she was in Superbad,  which made the spark grow hotter. I understand why Jonah Hill wanted to draw so many penis pictures for her. Then, Zombieland finally set it in stone; I loved this girl. Some may say she has a weird voice and too many freckles, but she doesn't. She's perfect. I think Easy A is my favorite role she's been in, especially in this defining scene. Upon re-reading this paragraph, I may not be totally over this one... Well, let's see how she and I would match up!

It appears that even Princess Jasmine and I have a better chance of making it work. But hey 65% is a D, and that's still a passing grade, right?

6. Jennifer Lawrence

You won't Rue being with me (see what I did there?)

And this brings us up to speed! I first saw Jennifer Lawrence in a (great) movie called Winter's Bone, but she wasn't supposed to be super attractive in that one. In fact, she was really poor and lived in the methiest part of the Ozarks.

Eh, I'd still be down

Then, I found out she was going to star in the movie adaptation of one of my recent favorite books, The Hunger Games! The movie was good, and I didn't even realize I had a crush until I found myself browsing Google Images of her and watching interviews. In fact, the interviews are what really solidified it; she is very funny and witty, unlike the hardness of most of her characters, and she's super cute to boot. That being said, I am pretty excited to find out what the Love Calculator has in store for me and Jennifer Lawrence so we can finally start our life together.

Oh man... rejection hurts! :( Well, Jennifer, if you're reading this you know that these love calculators are a bunch of crap, right? Right??

Well it looks like Nancy Thompson from Nightmare on Elm Street is my number 1 love match by a long shot! In a strange turn of events, Princess Jasmine is my number 2, at 69%. ...And since neither of those two girls are real, I'm going to cheat and default to my number 3 match, Emma Stone! Woo hoo! We may not last long, but it'll be good while it lasts! :)

BONUS!

There is one celebrity that I can't stand. Well, I don't like the characters she plays, anyway, so let's go over my anti-crush.

-1. Michelle Rodriguez

I totally didn't just use MS Paint to give her a mustache and dead tooth...

Michelle Rodriguez always plays the "badass chick" in movies and TV shows. Incidentally, she usually dies in these shows. Such shows are a bittersweet experience for me. She's probably okay in real life, but man... I can't stand her in movies. As you can tell by all my crushes, I usually go for more of the girl-next-door, nice girl thing, and Ms. Rodriguez is the opposite of that. Well... Let's put her through the Love Calculator and see what happens:

I SWEAR TO GOD I did not fake that score! Haha! What a satisfying way to end this post. I imagine the calculator gives everyone a 1% with Michelle Rodriguez, though.


So, there you have it, folks. My main love interests throughout my life. Who have you had an irrational celebrity crush on? And what are Dr. Love's calculations for you two love birds?

Craigslist Fail

It's my 100th post! And to celebrate, I think I'll do a hodge-podge picture post (alliteration!), along with a horrible experience with a Craigslist purchase. 

First off, I had a pretty dang fun St. Patrick's day, as is evidenced by this picture:

Glow in the dark shutter shades. Aw yeah. I can never make fun of girls for doing the "duck face" ever again after seeing this picture.

To further prove that I'm a nerd, I built a new computer! And I love it and want to marry it. It has a solid state hard drive and super-fast everything. It boots up in like ten seconds and video games experience almost zero load times. AND it kind of looks like a Storm Trooper!

Gorgeous, right?

I also got a super nice new camera for my Woody's Vintage project (that is moving along, although I've hit some speed bumps). For some reason, though, I've mostly just taken pictures of my friends' dog, Dexter.

You have to start somewhere, though, and Dexter likes the exposure.

That brings me to my horrible Craigslist experience! I have had trouble selling things in the past; I've had people show up only to offer me about half the money we agreed on, people who want to meet in shady areas, and people who promise to meet me somewhere and then just not show up. This is the first time, however, that I've had trouble with the received product. 

I'm (very slowly) settling in to my new duplex in Kansas after my move from Arkansas and I decided I'd play it cheap and buy my washer and dryer from Craigslist. After all, I just bought a new computer and camera. I found a set from a really nice neighborhood for really cheap, so I figured it was just some rich people trying to get someone to haul off their old machines, which actually happens fairly often on Craigslist. The lady on the phone said that everything worked great and that she was underselling it and that it was a very good deal. Jackpot!

Well, I hooked up the washer and dryer. When I washed a load I noticed that the washer was depositing sludgy, black, slug-like flakes all over my clothes. I figured I just stirred up some debris during the move and tried again. More grime! This time, I smelled it, and boy - I was not okay with it. I decided I'd try running the machine empty with some vinegar several times based one some things I read online, but it was no good; the slime was too thick. 

I really didn't want to have to haul this thing out and haul a new one in, and I knew that even if I had the seller's phone number she wouldn't refund it and pick it up, so I figured I'd take the machine apart and clean it myself. It couldn't be that bad, right? I went to the store and got some rubber gloves, lots of paper towels, and some bleach spray, among other chemicals. Then I took the washer apart. It looked pretty gross, even after like 6 vinegar baths, but not SUPER bad.

I didn't know what that cream-colored stuff around that ring was, but I scrubbed it all away. It was caked on pretty good. Then I noticed that you could easily remove that ring, so I did... and that's when I started to realize I was in over my head.

Black, awful, rotten filth lined the machine. All of that should have been white. But I was too stubborn to simply say "screw it" and buy a new machine. No, I had to finish what I started. I washed, scrubbed, and sprayed for hours, running my paper towels low and my trash bags high. This ring was removable...

...so I decided to give it a bath.

Bad idea. Before draining the water I thought I'd strain it with a colander, kind of like how you'd get leaves out of a pool (which obviously ruined my colander), but the drain still clogged. I probably should have seen that coming, but at the time I was no longer upset at my bad purchase, but pretty carefree and jovial. That's when I looked around and realized I was using about 5 different chemicals in an unventilated room and that I had been huffing fumes all night, so I guess bad decisions were bound to happen.

Next up was the main tank, which was definitely the worst part. It was stinky and the grime was about 1/4 inch thick (or 6.4mm, for my non-US readers).

But eventually... the job was done. I'd said my final curse words and dirtied my last paper towel. I put down my rubber gloves and beheld a job well done.

It's certainly not perfect, but it is approximately infinitely cleaner than it originally was. I'm not sure why I was such a cheapskate and cleaned it instead of replacing it, but the optimist in me says that now I know exactly how clean my washer is, and I have gained the knowledge to disassemble and reassemble a washing machine.

But the pessimist in me says that the seller of this machine will be receiving eggs on her house.

This Dog Poo is a Metaphor for Life

A lot has been going on lately; I've been in the midst of a long and drawn out move, randomly staying in Joplin, MO for work, and working on a huge new project (!) and keeping up with my social life. That is to say, life has been pretty busy. So when I saw this most-radical of sights, I knew it was a sign from *insert deity of choice* just for me.

It's a pile of dog crap with sprinkles on top. Actually, upon closer inspection I deduced that those brightly colored bits are chewed up crayons. Go ahead - click it and see the full-size image. You know you want to. I had an unhealthy amount of delight once I discovered this little lawn-jewel, so I immediately laughed and jaunted about while snapping pictures with my phone. I am 100% sure that the friends I was with and their neighbors thought I was absolutely nuts.

Keeping consistent with the title of this post, I guess I'll make up an inspirational quote: "Life is like Dog-Poo-with-Sprinkles; it's mostly a pile of crap, but the random nuggets of color and brightness to make it all worth it." Okay, let's try another: "Whether it be corn or crayons, everyone is their own Dog-Poo-with-Sprinkles." Last one: "In the big lawn of life, there is dog shit and then there is Dog-Poo-with-Sprinkles. Be Dog-Poo-with-Sprinkles." I like that one.

In other news, I got an award!! Wooooo hooooo!! I was actually messing around with that stupid motivational poster when I saw that I got a SECOND (duplicate) award AS I WAS BLOGGING! That must mean you guys love me. You really love me :') *sniff*

I don't know what a Liebster is, but if it's anything like a Biebster, I'm for it. Anyway, I got this award from my bloggy-friends Storm and Melissa Pace :)

Storm runs the blog Culinary Storm, and it's super fascinating. It's a food blog and she makes some amazing looking dishes. She doesn't use a lot of text in her posts, but I feel like I know her which makes her posts a delight to read. Plus, she always has the coolest pictures of her food. 

Melissa Pace runs Preposterous Pace. Melissa's mind works in a pretty strange way, which she tends to analyze and discuss in blog format, which makes for some pretty good reading material! I can relate to the strange workings of the mind, so we're natural friends. Also, she's my second favorite lesbian, aside from my big sis :)

Now, I am supposed to award this to 5 other little-league bloggers, such as myself (meaning we have under 200 followers). Here goes, in random order:

1) Rayelynn from Unhampered by Pants: I have no idea how, but she only has 9 followers. She's an excellent writer and she's hilarious. Her blog is very reminiscent of Hyperbole and a Half in that she is a cute girl who is funny and draws pictures. Triple threat. 

2) Lozzz123 from Science, Spouses, and Silliness: Smart, funny, and Australian - another triple threat? She's in grad school, but somehow makes time to share with us her husband's sleeptalking escapades. Oh, and she's kinda nerdy. Quad threat??

3) Ellen Lloyd from Defenestrated Feet: I had to look up what "defenstration" was, already making her blog more work to read than the others, but it's totally worth it. She's quite hilarious, and blogs about the same type of things I would blog about. If I were a girl. She also draws. These drawing blogs just get me. Probably because I can't draw for crap.

4) Kez from Awesomely Unprepared: She's a mommy blogger! But she wasn't always; she recently had her baby, so I can confirm that she was awesome before AND after said child. Unlike Storm, Kez is usually quite verbose in her posts, but definitely worth the read if you have a few minutes. And if you're browsing blogs, you probably do. I don't know if she has less than 200 followers because she uses Wordpress, but I'm adding her regardless.

5) BeeBee from BeeBee's Blog: Another female drawing blogger? Sheesh, maybe I should venture out a bit more. Nope. I'm happy reading this blog and admiring her artistry. She's just my kind of weird, and judging by a recent post, she has the same style in fashionably ironic shirts as I do. PLUS she made me a blog button! Check it out on the side of her blog :)

If you didn't get an award, it's not because I hate you. Promise. I actually probably quite like you.

Finally, my huge project. Without giving anything away and jinxing myself, here is a little teaser:

That's my first attempt at graphic design! The project should come to fruition sometime in the next few months. I still have lots of learnin' to do. This is probably more exciting for me than it is for you.

Showering with Clancey the Clown

I recently moved into a new place. Two of my best friends were kind enough to let me stay with them until I found a place and got everything moved. The moving process has been pretty easy since they only live a few minutes away, but it hasn't been completely smooth.

A couple days ago, I slept at the new place for the first time since I got it. From my friends' house, I packed what bath materials I thought would be sufficient to sleep, shower, and go to work the next day. I didn't take into consideration that I am stupid. 

I woke up (later than anticipated) Monday morning and turned on the shower when a sinking feeling hit me - I forgot to pack soap or shampoo. Gah! I had my loofah, but no sudsy materials. I did a quick Google search to for shampoo alternatives to reveal that baking soda would do the trick! But it was no good. I had thrown out my baking soda during the move. Another alternative was wood ash, but I didn't have time to start and put out a fire. 

So I put on my thinking cap.

I wasn't about to go to work unshowered, since I hadn't showered the day before (it was Sunday, give me a break). I thought about everything I had in the house, a good portion of which was bought at thrift stores. Then the terrible reality had dawned on me: I had soap. Sure, I got it at a thrift store. It was just another thing I bought planning to feature on Woodn't Ya Know It that I never got around to. The thing was, the soap was clown soap. From 1973... 

Clancey the Clown, offering me his "soap"

I had to use it. There were no alternatives, aside from going to the store to get soap and shampoo and being super late to work. So use it I did. I scrubbed a 40 year old bar of crusty, pink clown soap all over my most intimate places, trying to imagine it was anything else. But that wasn't the worst part. I don't know if you've ever tried to wash your hair with a bar of soap (clown soap, no less), but it's the worst. Not so much the actual washing - it's actually quite sudsy - but for the rest of the day my hair felt... bad. I debated telling anyone of my hardship, but I think admitting it will help me move on.

But my hair is now afraid of clowns.

Here is the crusty bar of soap, just minutes after I used it:

In other news, I got an award from one of my super awesome blog-friends, Storm! I'll have to pass it along later though, because I have stayed up way too late telling the Internet that I washed my body with 4-decade old clown soap.

Awesome Week!

I am finally moved back to Kansas! And I finally have internet again! While I might not completely miss Arkansas, it had nicer weather than here. Plus, my boredom caused by living in Arkansas inspired me to start this blog, so I'd say it was a good year all-in-all.

When I finally had steady internet that wasn't my phone, I saw that I had a lot of new readership! I was super excited, I thought, "This is finally it, I'm a celebrity now. I've made it to the big leagues." I saw that all my new traffic was from my blog-friend Miss Sassy Pants from A Few French Fries Short of a Happy Meal. In fact, she created her own blog award and gave it to me - ME! See:

Isn't it gorgeous? :) I'm pretty honored. She's super funny and has lots of good drunken/silly/possibly-unhealthy escapades. Not only that, but she has like 300 followers, so that's a nice plug for my bloggy! Miss Sassy Pants is highly recommended, you will not be disappointed. Herehereherehere!

So that was nice. Today was also my first day at my new job! It's pretty much exactly what I was doing in Arkansas - I'm an engineer - but with the added benefit of being around friends and family rather than hillbilly neighbor kids and loneliness. I know this job will be a good fit because when I got to my new desk and opened my drawer I saw the most amazing thing:

Anyone who's read my blog for any length of time knows of my fascination with weird thrift store mugs, and this certainly fits the bill. It is hand-painted and just overall interesting - the exact sort of thing I would buy at a thrift store and show off to you. It is even signed on the bottom.

I don't think that's English. I never thought I'd say it, but I'm really happy about the big black cock on my desk... 

Merry Winter Holidays!

I am pretty desensitized to embarrassment so I tend to do things others wouldn't, which is probably why I made my own ugly sweater this year! Although I frequent the thrift stores, people must get their ugly sweaters early because I had no luck finding one. Instead, I found bunch of normal things at the thrift store and put them together to make my own! Warning: this is pretty beautiful, so you will probably be jealous.

Take a look at those tassels coming out of the sleeves! Master craftsmanship, I must say.

The back features a googly-eyed Santa's face and hands, giving the illusion that he is hugging me. Why did I put this picture of myself on the internet for everyone to see? Because I'm a fool. But mostly for the ladies. ;)

When I wasn't searching for the most ridiculous things to glue onto a women's sweater, I saw some pretty bizarre Christmas decorations. For instance, this guy:

That is one muscular reindeer. Even his tail is bulging and rippling! Looks like Rudolph couldn't take everyone laughing and calling him names, so he took to the gym. Notice his antlers and hooves are red, too, so he must have gored and trampled Dasher and Dancer. He's also got a pretty sadistic smirk on his face, which really goes to show how damaging adolescent bullying can be! 

"Okay, Woody, seriously. That's obviously a ceramic stuffed Rudolph and those 'muscles' are the ceramic fabric seams." Well, imaginary skeptic, that's even weirder than a Roid-Rage Rudolph. "Nice alliteration." Thanks!

I also found this ultra-weird Santa Claus. This actually might be one of the weirder things I've ever found...

Can anyone explain this? Why is Santa balled up in cotton and medical wrap? I showed a friend who suggested that Santa is now a severe burn victim after he mistakenly went down a lit chimney. That chimney shit's dangerous, just use the front door! Closer inspection shows his anger at the situation.

Ahhh!! Why is Santa so scary? :( He has blood-red eyes with beady black pupils. My future children will not be sitting on this man's lap. Although he IS pretty soft... I'll ask again - Can anyone explain this??

I brought my stuff to my parents' house and mistakenly put my bags on the floor. The dog sniffed out this evil Santa Claus and tried to vanquish the evil, but to no avail. He only grows creepier without his burn wrappings!

What the heck IS this thing?! Well, the dog chewed him in to a pretty comfortable-looking position, so he's no longer the CREEPIEST Santa in the world. He's now...

...The most INTERESTING Santa in the world! "I don't always lose weight, but when I do, I lose all of it." 

Thank you, thrift stores, and everyone have some happy holidays! :)

Random Pictures from My Friends!

Over the weekend I pretty much just sat around because of my wisdom tooth recovery. During that time, I texted a few of my friends and asked them to send me a picture. Just a random picture, of anything. To my surprise, everyone responded (although one guy never sent a picture). It helped entertain me during my downtime, and so I decided to share the pictures I got.

Very random chair

Me at Geek.Kon with a hot Bomberman cosplayer!

My best friend's wife and their new dog

My friend's mom is obsessed with her daughter's violin skillz

Kinda creepy...

Copper!

I would murder a child.

Yes, that's a man.

Jealous.

I'm not the only one who goes to thrift stores

Bullet cat!

Siamese apple?

It's a penis-shaped bubble

Skyrim!

My friend's cookie contest entry

Raphael's bandanna with Leonardo's weapons. Conspiracy?

That was quite an entertaining night, especially on painkillers.

Oh, I got a Thrift Store Pen Pal item today!!! From Ginger Brad. I'll post tomorrow or sometime soon :)