Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Accidentally Terrorizing McDonald's Workers!

There was a time in my life that I hated onions, and couldn't even take the tiny little onions they put on McDonald's burgers so I usually ordered my burgers sans onions. Usually. But one time, going through the drive thru [sic] I forgot to mention my distaste for onions. When I took a bite and found them hiding in my burger I was already on my way home and I was in no mood for either scraping them off while driving or sucking it up and eating them.

There was another McDonald's on the way, so I figured I would just go in there and tell a small, tiny lie that I asked for no onions but they put yes onions. I knew it was wrong, a little bit. I mean, I figured they'd be losing like, a dollar or less. Small beans. So I walked into the store with my bitten burger in hand and tried to be polite (because I knew I was a liar):

"Hello, can I help you?" He was the manager.

"Hi. I was just in here and I ordered a burger with no onions, but I guess you must have accidentally put some on there. If it's no trouble, could I please get a new burger without? Thanks :) "

"No problem. Just one moment." I was pretty sure I was going to get my onion free burger without incident.

He turned around and took a few steps to the kitchen and yelled "Hey!" All the cooks (all Hispanic) looked at him and he held up and displayed my lie of a burger while saying something in Espanol. He then violently threw it into the trashcan and started going off on them in Spanish. A lot. And loud. They all looked like beat puppies afterward, and sullenly (but quickly) made my "corrected" meal, and it was all my fault that those poor workers got that verbal flogging. 

I got my food, said thanks without looking him in the eye, and left. I felt pretty bad. So unless you REALLY don't like onions, I don't recommend trying this. 

The End.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Thrift Store Adventures: Book Edition Vol. 2!

(disclaimer: I felt terribly wrong writing the last part of this post, but it was too funny not to write. I'm not a pedophile or anything like that.)

I went to the thrift store yesterday after work because I have no friends, and it was a goldmine! I got a few Thrift Store Adventure posts worth of pictures - it's like winning the lottery but much, much more depressing! Anyway, I will be discussing a few books that I found that were of particular interest.

First off, we have "Flying Saucers - Serious Business," by Frank Edwards.

This is srs, u guys.

This book really stood out to me because it smashed through the barrier of official silence. I looked inside and This is the very first page of the book:


Near approaches of Unidentified Flying Objects can be harmful to human beings. Do not stand under a UFO that is hovering at low altitude. Do not touch or attempt to touch a UFO that has landed. 

In either case, the safe thing to do is to get away from there quickly and let the military take over. There is a possibility of radiation danger, and there are known cases in which persons have been burned by rays emanating from UFOs. Details on these cases are included in this book.


Clearly I had to own this book. Most items featured on Thrift Store Adventures don't leave the store; I simply take their pictures and leave it at that, but this book was too odd to pass up. I can't tell if this book is legit, or the world's first epic troll. I have only read a little bit so far and it seems to take itself seriously. The copyright info says it was published in 1966. In fact, this book was published with 12 different editions by two different publishers. I guess they didn't have spell check in the '60s.

I won't even get into the "32 pages of astonishing photographs." They are pretty bad.

Next, we have a family classic, "Growing Wild Mushrooms: A Complete Guide to Cultivating Edible and Hallucinogenic Mushrooms" by Bob Harris.

Just thought you'd sneak the "hallucinogenic" part in there, eh Bob? I didn't spend much time looking through this book, but now that I write this I kind of regret that. I may go back and get this book so I can start my new, totally-legal side business. Not much more to say about this one.

Finally, Dr. Ross Campbell teaches us "How to really love your child."

I grabbed this one hoping, but not really expecting, that it was rife with unintended innuendo, and boy was I happy with what I found. In a dirty, dirty incest/pedophile way. It's a totally legit book, but being written in the '70s it didn't consider people 40 years in the future being perverts. Here is the table of contents:

"Dr. Ross Campbell" is clearly Pedobear's pseudonym.

I actually [didn't]  read this book, and here I will give a brief summary of each chapter (which I totally just made up).

Foreward: I will not paraphrase here, the foreword simply said, "Hi I'm Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC's To Catch a Predator. Please have a seat, I have a few questions. Why did you buy up this book? Oh, you got it from a friend? You just needed help with a "school report", huh? Then why did you bring condoms and a Hello Kitty gimp mask?"

Preface: This section describes how Dr. Campbell came to write the book. Apparently, after years of working as a birthday clown and middle school gym teacher, he went on to write about the true "joys" of parenthood, all from the comfort of his 8'x8' cell. 

1. The Problem: Do you not feel that you're loving your child? I mean, really loving him or her? This book will take away all those first-time butterflies! The problem, as described in this chapter, is clearly those pesky "laws" and "morals."

2. The Setting: The best setting is really a trail of small candies (M&Ms work really well) up to his or her bedroom, where he/she will find their race car bed covered with rose petals dimly lit by candlelight.

3. The Foundation: The foundation, the book states, is years of sexual repression and daddy issues.

4. How to Love Your Child - Eye Contact: This is very important! Eye contact not only shows that you love your child, but that you're in love with your child. Also, you can catch all of his/her nonverbal queues to use to your advantage.  

5. How to Love Your Child - Physical Contact: This chapter is really the fun one. It describes, in detail, how and why you should give your child that extra something. From diapers to little league, this chapter gives you everything you need to know for your special parent/child relationship, with fun tips and games such as "Go, Diego, Go Grab the Lube," and "Hide and Seek - Then Sex." 

6. How to Love Your Child - Focused attention: You need to know that loving your child isn't just about your needs; your child has his/her special needs too, and you need to cater to those needs. While the "pants region" is the obvious bulk of the chapter, it goes into valuable detail about other sensitive regions, such as the back of the neck and behind the ears.

7. Appropriate and Inappropriate Love: This chapter debunks popular relationship-building techniques such as introducing your child to your parents, because they have likely already met them. Strangely appropriate, though, is the Chuck-E-Cheese ball pit.

8. Discipline: What is It?: While biting and pinching are good in moderation, your child must learn that there is such a thing as too much of a good thing.

9. Loving Discipline: This chapter describes how to make your child love the discipline you give him/her using simple techniques such as whips and chains.

10: Discipline - Requests, Commands, Rewards, and Punishment: Basically bedroom manners.

11: Children with Special Problems: While childhood impotence is a rare issue, it is a real problem. 

12: Helping Your Child Spiritually: After all the fun, take him or her to a priest for "dessert."

I just about stopped writing that synopsis when I got to the eye contact chapter due to moral constraints, but I couldn't leave you guys in suspense about the rest of the book. I'm sure I'm now on a government list. So I leave you with this: I do not agree with anything in that book, I AM going to Hell, and please, Dr. Campbell, don't sue me.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

More Neighborhood Kid Strangeness!

I've talked in excess about the gangs of little kids roving the streets in my neighborhood. Mostly doing really dumb things. For example, the other day they were having Razr scooter races in the middle of the road. I was in my car, so I probably could have beat them, but I didn't want to show off. But mostly, their antics have nothing to do with me and I hardly even think about them. This particular incident, however, did have something to do with me.

A few weeks ago I was minding my own business, writing a blog post, when I got a ring on the doorbell. Considering I don't really know anyone down here, I was slightly surprised, but figured it was just someone trying to sell me some moonshine. Get it, it's an Arkansas stereotype, cuz I live here now. I found it from this fun list of Arkansas stereotypes!

EDIT: Good news! I also just text messaged ChaCha to give me some Arkansas stereotypes! Here is their answer:

"Arkansas stereotypes include people keeping pallets, old tires, abandoned trucks and parts lying around. ChaCha!"

Thanks, ChaCha, you never let me down. Anyway, back to the story. So the doorbell rings, and I was pretty cautious, because what if it was the Craigslist killer? I may not match his victim description, but he could be changing things up! I opened the door and it was just one of the neighborhood kids on his bike. He had a puffy face like he'd been crying, and he was staring at the ground. He asked if I had a lawn mower, which kind of took me aback. He talked very quietly. He said that it didn't matter if I let him use it or not, which if that's the case, why even ask? I said that I did and that he could, and it seemed pretty obvious he was being punished to mow the lawn or something, and so the rest of the discussion went as follows:

"Are you in trouble or something?"
"No, I'm not in trouble."
"So your parents need to use the lawn mower?"
"No, I need to use the mower."
"It's a push mower. Do you know how to use it?"
"Yes, I mowed my uncle's lawn once."
"Why do you look so sad?"
"I'm not sad."

But he was fucking sad. Or just ultra socially awkward. Which is kind of sad. Anyway, he took the mower over to his yard (which already looked mowed), and mowed like a champion for like 15 minutes and brought it right back. Pretty strange exchange (haha, "strange exchange"). I thought that was the end of it. An isolated incident that I would tell my friends about but they wouldn't believe me, or care.

Until it happened again, when I had friends over! The first time, he rang the doorbell only once. This time I could have sworn there was an ice cream truck in my living room; he was going nuts on that doorbell. I answered and he had the same sullen demeanor, and he asked the question: "can I borrow your lawn mower." Well gas is pretty expensive, and by this point he'd used the lawn mower as many times as I had. So instead of answering his question, I looked at his hand and noticed his finger looked bloody, so I asked what was wrong with his finger. He said it was only mud, but I'm still skeptical.

Anyway, he took the mower, but he kept it much longer this time. He had it for so long that my friends and I went for a walk until he was finished, and when we got back, he was mowing my duplex-mate's yard! We went back inside, and I heard him mowing my yard too, but just the front yard. My words here cannot describe how odd this was. Maybe he felt like repaying me for letting him use the mower, or maybe he expected me to pay him? I don't know. Either way, I kind of hope this keeps up; if so, I'll never have to mow my front yard again.

The one thing I don't get is why he mowed my neighbor's yard. I barely see her, and we've spoken like three times total. I imagine her internal monologue went something like this: "Whelp. Just pullin' into the ol' driveway. Wait, what's this, my yard is mowed? But I didn't mow today, by golly! Hmm, the neighbor I rarely talk to has his yard mowed too. I bet he mowed my yard, but why?? Is this a friendly gesture and now he expects me to make him a casserole? Or did he take pictures of me in the bathroom through the window and this is how he's repaying me!?"


Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Embarrassing Stories - Inappropriate Tick Bites

Ticks plague me. It seems that no matter where I go, what I do, or what changes, ticks are a constant. I grew up living surrounded by a pretty thick wooded area, several of my friends growing up lived near woods or near a field, and now I live in the Ozarks. I have tick experience. I should put that on my resume.

Not only am I constantly surrounded by ticks, but when I am on a hike with friends, I am usually the only one to get them. And I get a ton. I must be some kind of delicacy to them. One year in high school (and this is pretty nerdy) I decided to count how many ticks I found on my that summer; I stopped counting when I hit 70. With all of those ticks, some are bound to have some inappropriate voyages, and that's what I'm going to talk about today.

Just as a warning, today's post may be a bit graphic. Luckily, I won't be providing pictures.

When I was about 12 one of my best friends lived only a few houses down from me. He had a trampoline so we would often hang out over at his place. Unfortunately, the trampoline was right next to the woods and had trees towering over it. Side note: ticks live in trees. So I was jumping around, having a good time, and I remember hitting one of the leafy branches with my head, but not thinking anything of it. Several seconds later, I notice I am covered in tiny, tiny little moving dots, and they seemed to be spreading all over me. Shocked at first, I simply looked at the dots on their conquest. When I finally realized they were itty bitty ticks, I started stripping off ALL of my clothes and running home to shower. I remember looking down at the water running into the drain and thinking it looked like someone pouring small coffee grounds down the drain. 

I've had many a-trifle with ticks around the waistline, but sometimes they like to take things to the next level. Get a little more intimate. To be blunt, sometimes ticks bite your balls. Now, ever since I can remember I've taken a shower every day, so it's not even a matter of hygiene. They hide somehow, like the tiniest ninjas. That's why I was so surprised when, in middle school, my crotch got extremely itchy. No amount of scratching provided relief. So I checked my drawers and, much to my surprise, found 3 ticks embedded in my scrote! I think they like the soft, warm wrinkles or something. I had a similar experience with a mole I noticed on my ass. It just so happens, the mole had eight legs and was sucking my blood.

That was traumatizing, but by far the worst tick experience I've had happened when I must have been about 5 or 6. Being so young, I had no shame so I was pissing in the garden. I noticed a very strange feeling when it started though, as though I had an extra flap of skin right on the tip... I looked down and saw something that could have been straight from the SAW movies: a tick was attached right to my urethra. Yep, right on the ol' pee hole. I won't go into details, but the extraction of that little guy was careful and precise, and don't even get me started on the itching I had the following couple weeks. I don't recommend it.

Those are definitely my most interesting encounters with the little vampires, and I do apologize for any mental imagery I may have caused. If it makes you feel any better, writing this post made me extremely itchy.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Some Thoughts While Driving

While driving without a CD player while driving between three states, there's not much to do but think and hit the "Scan" button on the radio. Although you can sometimes find some gems using the scan method, driving from Kansas to Arkansas yields very few gems and very much crap. Evangelical crap.

I have a slight astigmatism, and even though I wear glasses it can be difficult to read street signs from too far away. So when I'm driving somewhere I am unfamiliar with or am looking for a certain street, I almost always squint my eyes and lean forward like two feet, thinking that the extra couple feet will allow me to read the street signs quicker. That way I won't have to slam on my brakes once I see the street I'm looking for. Makes sense, right?

Well during the thinking portion of my last Kansas/Arkansas drive I realized that leaning forward makes absolutely negligible difference. Say you are going 60 mph and leaning two feet. That means you are going 5280 ft/min, or 88 ft/sec. Each foot you travel takes roughly 11 milliseconds, So by leaning two feet you are saving a measly 23 milliseconds.  If I'm driving slowly to look more carefully at 20 mph, I'm still only saving about 68 milliseconds. According to this quite-unofficial study, the average visual reaction time for a person is 215 milliseconds so leaning forward really isn't saving me anything.

Sorry for all that nerdiness, but I had to convince myself that the lean is a sham. Unfortunately, I doubt I'll quit and will continue looking like a leanin' fool whenever I'm lost.

In other news, the Scan feature actually found something kind of interesting on the drive. A religious program called "Unshackled." The show basically takes "true" stories and gets crappy voice actors to dramatize them, likely trying to convert the listeners. That was entertaining enough for me, but during the commercial and station ID, they were promoting their show by saying how many Middle Eastern listeners they had. Here is what the guy said, verbatim (to the best of my memory):

"Here's a letter from a listener in Kuwait: 'I really love your show and have now accepted Jesus as my savior but my husband is Islamic. I know if I tell him he will either murder or divorce me. I really need prayer.' And here is another from [So-and-so] in Saudi Arabia: 'my son loved your show and has found Christianity thanks to you and was proud of it. He was recently beat to death due to his beliefs. He now lives in Heaven.' So if you'd like to get Unshackled in Arabic in your area, please write to [blah-blah-blah]"

I wish I was making that up. After giving two examples of how you can be murdered for listening to their show, they ask if you'd like to listen to their show. "Gee, murder?? Where do I sign!?"

No thanks.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Add Me - My Phone Takes Funny Pictures!

I got a new phone recently, the Samsung Galaxy S, which is the Samsung Fascinate for me. Soon after getting it I was taking pictures and was going through the options expecting the same old ho-hum features like sepia or negative art. To my pleasant surprise I found that my phone's camera has some exceptional modes: a panorama mode where it takes awesome wide pictures, a mode where it will only take the picture if everyone in the picture is smiling, and, my favorite, a feature called "Add Me." At first I was confused about what Add Me does. It certainly isn't very intuitive, so I started messing around with it, and realized it is meant to be used to add someone to the shot who was not originally there.

That's the INTENDED usage. Here's a picture of a kid using the Add Me feature to shoot his twin brother, and that's actually the only picture of Add Me I could find after scouring the internet for minutes. Pretty lackluster performance. But I have found a much better usage for this fine feature, as I will describe in this loving  article.

Instead of creating a virtual twin, or adding in people who were too late to the photo shoot, I much prefer to splice together people's faces. Instead of going through the lengthy process of oiling up the bone saw, The Add Me function does all that work for me! Here is an example:

Hubba hubba!

Can you guess who this fine fellow is composed of? That's right, it's the two most obvious celebrities, Gary Busey and Arnold Schwarzenegger! This picture, along with all the celebrity mashups in this article, are taken right off my computer monitor so the quality is slightly questionable. But just roll with it. 

Here's how to make your very own creeper face, sans Photoshop. First, simply select "Add me" from the options:

Whoa, a pic of a phone cam with a phone cam... That's so Inception, dude

Your phone's display will be split down the middle, where you will put half of a face on each side. I like to split the face right on the bridge of the nose. The key to getting the pictures right is matching the faces up right, and getting a very similar-looking background.

We see a transparent Busey in the top half. That is what you will use to match up the faces. Then just take the picture and the program will take care of the rest! Pretty simple, and way cooler than the intended usage. I've taken the pictures of other celebrity duos as well, as seen in the gallery below.

Gary Busey and Helen Hunt. 

Margaret Thatcher and Jim Carrey - yummy ;)

Emiril Lagasse and a guy named Jesus

You can also split the faces vertically (or "hotdog style," if you are in elementary school) but it is a bit tougher to make them match properly.

The best-of-friends, Keith Olbermann and Glenn Beck

Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger. Together, they make Mad Eye Moody!

As an added bonus, I'm also providing some Face-Off pictures a friend and I did a couple weeks ago. As you can probably imagine, it is much easier to get the faces to match up when using real people and not pictures from the internet. Note: These may be more entertaining to people to actually know me and/or said friend.

That is one ugly family.

So there you have it. Hopefully this guide will be an inspiration to millions and I'll start seeing these Add Me pictures pop up. Which seems unlikely considering Photoshop is probably way easier.