Monday, April 23, 2012

The Kohler Numi Toilet

I got an email this morning from trying to peddle a particularly strange item. It's the Kohler Numi Toilet. The body of the email is an invitation to "like" a Facebook page for a chance to win the toilet they keep clamoring about. And then, this is the picture they attached to the email:

Before I get too far into this post, I'd like to illustrate why it's a good idea to double-check the email address you're sending to. I thought this was a funny email to get from Amazon, so I decided to email a few friends describing what I was looking at... except I accidentally sent the email to my friend's old work email address, which, since he left, is forwarded to everyone in his old team. Here's the conversation:

From: Robert Wood []
Sent: Monday, April 23, 2012 8:55 AM
To: Analytics; 'Lisa'
Subject: I don't even...

I got this email today about winning a toilet from, which is weird enough by itself, and then I looked at the picture to the right… Because attractive, dressed-up people and toilets go hand-in-hand..? And THEN I realized that that white thing in the background IS the toilet! There is a lot wrong with this picture – firstly, it’s in a room with all glass walls – you can see right inside from all directions. That’s awkward for everyone. Secondly, that doesn’t look like a bathroom; it looks like a living room or something. Are you supposed to have dinner or watch TV with your date when you nonchalantly get up and answer nature’s call in the (all glass) living room? I tell ya, nothing makes me more attracted to a girl than seeing her pooping into a white box in a room with transparent walls.

From: Analytics []
Sent: Monday, April 23, 2012 9:00 AM
To: 'Robert Wood'
Cc: Analytics
Subject: RE: I don't even...

Was this intended to go to Brian XYZ?  If so, he is no longer with Company Y, so his emails are now forwarded to his old team’s shared inbox.

Thanks for the entertainment, but you might want to check with him to get his new email address :)

From: Robert Wood []
Sent: Monday, April 23, 2012 9:08 AM
To: Analytics
Subject: RE: I don't even...

Oh no, this is almost as awkward as that toilet. I accidentally selected the wrong email. Sorry!

From: Analytics []
Sent: Monday, April 23, 2012 9:14 AM
To: 'Robert Wood'; Analytics
Subject: RE: I don't even...

No problem- good Monday morning laugh.

So that was the start of my Monday - accidentally sending poop jokes to a bunch of strangers. I should have just forged ahead and sent them the address to this blog. I already had "unobservant" in the bag; I should have just gone ahead with "shamelessly self-promoting." 

Unaffected by my mistake, I remained curious about these people in the glass house with a shitter in their living room so I went to Kohler's toilet website and found even more pieces to this confusing toilet puzzle. 

Apparently, the toilet has a remote control so you can operate its various functions such as internal lighting (so you can look back in and see how you did), a music player (so you can "sing" along with the music), a freaking bidet (so you can squirt water up your hoo and/or ha), a seat heater (which... would actually be pretty great), and user presets. Basically, if you own this toilet, you've officially "made it."

At first, I thought that in the very first picture the guy was holding flowers and bringing them to his female scat-loving counterpart. I thought it was a funny gesture for such an open and immodest couple. Then I saw that they had other pictures in the series:

Here, we see that those flowers are just sitting on a table, possibly so they can claim that their shit does, indeed, smell like roses. This picture also confirms that this is a living room or a lounge and that you can see inside from every angle. Judging by their change of clothes and the furniture, they spend a lot of time in this room, so they probably get to see each other drop their logs regularly. In the background, we see this:

A bottle of liquor. Anyone who has had the scoots after drinking the night before knows where this is going - you're not going to want to be confined in the same room with someone who is going through that violently personal experience, least of which being your significant other. I could be wrong in assuming they're dating; they could just be brother and sister, which would take this scenario from worst-ever to worst-ever-er. But he's giving her those eyes that say "Baby, I really wanna watch you drop a brown bear right about now," so I conclude that they're dating. Or... ugh, nevermind. For my own sanity's sake, they're not related.

Here's the last picture in their series. Another change of clothes. And then I realized... that toilet is not hooked up to any plumbing and they have no sinks! That's like having an outhouse inhouse. Not only is that unhygienic but also a living situation only fit for hostages! Giorgio Armani must have kidnapped these people, locked them in his uber-high-fashion prison, and forced them to pose and look sexy. The bastard! Look at how they attractively long for freedom.

But there's nothing we can do for the prisoners now - they've likely been sold off as runway slaves by now. 

I think I'm going to enter that sweepstakes so I can start my own fashion-prison!

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Greater Kansas City's Successful Single Men

I found an interesting book at the thrift store the other day entitled "Greater Kansas City's Successful Single Men." I can't find much information about the book, but from what I can gather it is something for girls to browse through while fantasizing about these eligible bachelors. After flipping through the book I can't say I blame them! This book is chock full of the manliest, most single, and most eighties-est men in Kansas City.

There is no date anywhere in the book, but one guys is wearing a shirt that mentions the 1980 Kansas State Jr. Olympics Meet, so I'm guessing the book was published in 1980 or 1981. And boy that early 80s sheen sure shines! I've done the heavy lifting for you and picked out a few of my favorite bachelors, along with biographies I made up based on their pictures.

But first, a little treat I found among the men: a signed page!

I know, I know, how did I even notice a signature with all that tantalizing man-meat in front of me? 

There is a signature by Frank Szasz which simply states

Thinking of you with love, Frank Szasz

I did a little research on Mr. Szasz to learn that he was a Hungarian painter who moved to the states after being freed from a prison camp. He did portraits of iconic people, most famously Elvis. He died in 1995 due to somewhat uncertain causes, but a couple years before that he got remarried so I wonder if there was any foul play... Anyway, it's pretty awesome to randomly find his signature in a book I paid $1.00 for at a thrift store!

That's not the first time I've found signed items while thrifting, either. I once found a book signed by the author, which I wrote about here, and more recently I found an original signed painting for $10 that I had appraised for a whole lot more than $10. For some perspective, here is some work by the same artist.

Okay, enough blather. Here are my favorite Successful Single Men and their should-be biographies (yeah, I used their real names):

Michael Pack

Ever since he was a young boy, Michael knew he wanted to do something BIG. By the age of 11, he had grown a mustache so luxurious that it rivaled even his father's 'stache, which is saying something considering his father was given the nickname Ol' Crab-Stache within their community. This did not please Crab-Stache, and soon Michael was left homeless due to his father's combination of unbridled jealousy and meth addiction. Michael joined a small Indian tribe in Oklahoma where he learned to weave fine Indian welcome mats. He was lauded as somewhat of a prodigy at such, which gained him favor with his chief, Tall Bush. Tall Bush took Michael under his wing, raising him as his own child since he was infertile and had none of his own. Bush earned his namesake from his savage method of luring travelers into a cornfield and scalping them and proceeding to wear their scalps on top of his own, but he never removed a single scalp making his hair extremely tall-looking and multi-colored, not unlike a Bomb Pop. Michael learned everything he could from Tall Bush and was soon claiming scalps of his own. Fortunately for him, Michael wasn't satisfied with merely stacking scalps; he combined his love of scalping with his mastery of weaving to make the world's tallest wig, which he proudly displays in his picture above. Critics point out that that is, in fact, not a wig, but rather a second, larger "head mustache."

Ronald J. Levin

When Ronald graduated high school he soon landed a job as an apprentice for a custom jeweler, mainly focusing on his ring-making talents. He was once commissioned with creating class rings for a TV show pilot which was soon to air. The producers were so impressed with Ronald's skill that they asked to meet the man behind the rings, and when they did they realized that this was exactly the personality they needed for their new show; he was nerdy, quirky, and somehow lovable. They quickly asked him to join the show which Ronald excitedly accepted. The show was, of course, Saved by the Bell, and Ronald played the part of Screech. But before he left his apprenticeship, he made himself one last ring to remember where he came from.


Bob Griffle

Bob was always an enterprising and confident lad. He was very successful with women and seemed to only date girls who friends say were "out of his league." His libido was so healthy that he found himself needing "relief" all throughout the day, even when at work or on the bus. One account states, "Bob always had girls falling all over him, but they never seemed to satisfy him. He always wanted more, more more. I guess that's how he got where he is today." And where he is today is the founder and CEO of Bob's MagVag. The concept is simple: conceal a male pleasure device in a rolled-up magazine and you can have fun anytime, anywhere, without all the pesky jail time. Bob is seen here demonstrating how effective his design really is.

Charlie Johnson

Charlie started rather late in life as a full-grown man, though he wasn't always the Charlie you see here. He woke up on an operating table on a stormy night with a crazed scientist staring at him laughing madly. Frankenstein was his name. In a frightful stupor, Charlie proceeded to do what any newborn would do and try to figure out what the heck was going on, but it just so happened that he had all the strength of a man and so he was mistaken for something of a monster. He clearly wasn't though; he was just a full grown baby man who refused to call a lunatic scientist "Mom." Charlie went on to get his MBA and now runs his own hardware store, Charlie's Nuts and Bolts.

Jim Goss

Though slightly unorthodox, Jim makes the book due to his uncanny ability to coax children into his conversion van. You've likely heard the warnings about talking to strangers, accepting free candy, and checking out "these cute puppies in the back of the van." Well, Jim is who we can all thank for those warnings, and for good reason. Other community contributions include: razor blades in Halloween candy, the pedostache, creeper vans, To Catch a Predator, along with many others. He's currently working on his photography career, which the FBI says they are very interested to see.

Runners Up

I have a few more but don't feel like writing full biographies for them, so here they are along with some brief captions.

This guy is most certainly a pimp. I don't think that pole is used for the carousel horse.

He is by far the happiest-looking person in this book. I feel like there should be a rainbow in the background or something.

This guy is... Well, look at him. Successful, maybe. Single, I'm sure.

He looks like he didn't know they were about to take his picture. That, or they photographer tied him up and this is his ransom picture.

This dude totally has a boner. See?

That's not his thumb, unless his thumb is 6" long and shaped like a dong.