Tuesday, February 28, 2012

This Dog Poo is a Metaphor for Life

A lot has been going on lately; I've been in the midst of a long and drawn out move, randomly staying in Joplin, MO for work, and working on a huge new project (!) and keeping up with my social life. That is to say, life has been pretty busy. So when I saw this most-radical of sights, I knew it was a sign from *insert deity of choice* just for me.

It's a pile of dog crap with sprinkles on top. Actually, upon closer inspection I deduced that those brightly colored bits are chewed up crayons. Go ahead - click it and see the full-size image. You know you want to. I had an unhealthy amount of delight once I discovered this little lawn-jewel, so I immediately laughed and jaunted about while snapping pictures with my phone. I am 100% sure that the friends I was with and their neighbors thought I was absolutely nuts.

Keeping consistent with the title of this post, I guess I'll make up an inspirational quote: "Life is like Dog-Poo-with-Sprinkles; it's mostly a pile of crap, but the random nuggets of color and brightness to make it all worth it." Okay, let's try another: "Whether it be corn or crayons, everyone is their own Dog-Poo-with-Sprinkles." Last one: "In the big lawn of life, there is dog shit and then there is Dog-Poo-with-Sprinkles. Be Dog-Poo-with-Sprinkles." I like that one.

In other news, I got an award!! Wooooo hooooo!! I was actually messing around with that stupid motivational poster when I saw that I got a SECOND (duplicate) award AS I WAS BLOGGING! That must mean you guys love me. You really love me :') *sniff*

I don't know what a Liebster is, but if it's anything like a Biebster, I'm for it. Anyway, I got this award from my bloggy-friends Storm and Melissa Pace :)

Storm runs the blog Culinary Storm, and it's super fascinating. It's a food blog and she makes some amazing looking dishes. She doesn't use a lot of text in her posts, but I feel like I know her which makes her posts a delight to read. Plus, she always has the coolest pictures of her food. 

Melissa Pace runs Preposterous Pace. Melissa's mind works in a pretty strange way, which she tends to analyze and discuss in blog format, which makes for some pretty good reading material! I can relate to the strange workings of the mind, so we're natural friends. Also, she's my second favorite lesbian, aside from my big sis :)

Now, I am supposed to award this to 5 other little-league bloggers, such as myself (meaning we have under 200 followers). Here goes, in random order:

1) Rayelynn from Unhampered by Pants: I have no idea how, but she only has 9 followers. She's an excellent writer and she's hilarious. Her blog is very reminiscent of Hyperbole and a Half in that she is a cute girl who is funny and draws pictures. Triple threat. 

2) Lozzz123 from Science, Spouses, and Silliness: Smart, funny, and Australian - another triple threat? She's in grad school, but somehow makes time to share with us her husband's sleeptalking escapades. Oh, and she's kinda nerdy. Quad threat??

3) Ellen Lloyd from Defenestrated Feet: I had to look up what "defenstration" was, already making her blog more work to read than the others, but it's totally worth it. She's quite hilarious, and blogs about the same type of things I would blog about. If I were a girl. She also draws. These drawing blogs just get me. Probably because I can't draw for crap.

4) Kez from Awesomely Unprepared: She's a mommy blogger! But she wasn't always; she recently had her baby, so I can confirm that she was awesome before AND after said child. Unlike Storm, Kez is usually quite verbose in her posts, but definitely worth the read if you have a few minutes. And if you're browsing blogs, you probably do. I don't know if she has less than 200 followers because she uses Wordpress, but I'm adding her regardless.

5) BeeBee from BeeBee's Blog: Another female drawing blogger? Sheesh, maybe I should venture out a bit more. Nope. I'm happy reading this blog and admiring her artistry. She's just my kind of weird, and judging by a recent post, she has the same style in fashionably ironic shirts as I do. PLUS she made me a blog button! Check it out on the side of her blog :)

If you didn't get an award, it's not because I hate you. Promise. I actually probably quite like you.

Finally, my huge project. Without giving anything away and jinxing myself, here is a little teaser:

That's my first attempt at graphic design! The project should come to fruition sometime in the next few months. I still have lots of learnin' to do. This is probably more exciting for me than it is for you.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Showering with Clancey the Clown

I recently moved into a new place. Two of my best friends were kind enough to let me stay with them until I found a place and got everything moved. The moving process has been pretty easy since they only live a few minutes away, but it hasn't been completely smooth.

A couple days ago, I slept at the new place for the first time since I got it. From my friends' house, I packed what bath materials I thought would be sufficient to sleep, shower, and go to work the next day. I didn't take into consideration that I am stupid. 

I woke up (later than anticipated) Monday morning and turned on the shower when a sinking feeling hit me - I forgot to pack soap or shampoo. Gah! I had my loofah, but no sudsy materials. I did a quick Google search to for shampoo alternatives to reveal that baking soda would do the trick! But it was no good. I had thrown out my baking soda during the move. Another alternative was wood ash, but I didn't have time to start and put out a fire. 

So I put on my thinking cap.

I wasn't about to go to work unshowered, since I hadn't showered the day before (it was Sunday, give me a break). I thought about everything I had in the house, a good portion of which was bought at thrift stores. Then the terrible reality had dawned on me: I had soap. Sure, I got it at a thrift store. It was just another thing I bought planning to feature on Woodn't Ya Know It that I never got around to. The thing was, the soap was clown soap. From 1973... 

Clancey the Clown, offering me his "soap"

I had to use it. There were no alternatives, aside from going to the store to get soap and shampoo and being super late to work. So use it I did. I scrubbed a 40 year old bar of crusty, pink clown soap all over my most intimate places, trying to imagine it was anything else. But that wasn't the worst part. I don't know if you've ever tried to wash your hair with a bar of soap (clown soap, no less), but it's the worst. Not so much the actual washing - it's actually quite sudsy - but for the rest of the day my hair felt... bad. I debated telling anyone of my hardship, but I think admitting it will help me move on.

But my hair is now afraid of clowns.

Here is the crusty bar of soap, just minutes after I used it:

In other news, I got an award from one of my super awesome blog-friends, Storm! I'll have to pass it along later though, because I have stayed up way too late telling the Internet that I washed my body with 4-decade old clown soap.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Love Bugs - A Pubic Lice PSA

My awesome Thrift Store Pen Pal, Nicole, sent me a gift! I actually received it a few weeks ago but given the content, I figured I would wait until it got closer to the Valentine's Day holiday.

I got a pop-up book AND a personalized letter! :) The books is called "Love Bugs," and I guess it's for toddlers to give to their Valentines? I'm not sure. Here's a closer look at the letter:

It says

Greetings Woody! 
I was walking through my local Goodwill store the other day and saw this book. I immediately thought of you! I hope you get a good post from it for Valentine's Day or something. Have a wonderful and prosperous new year! 
<3 Always,

Needless to say, I was pretty excited, but I had to wrack my brain to figure out what I wanted to do with this silly kids' pop-up book. I was originally planning on doing a book-reading vlog, like my Thrift Store Pen Pal Andrea did, but I just wasn't sure. So I slept on it.

Finally, I got the idea to do a horror-movie-style trailer, which kind of evolved into a Public Service Announcement about the dangers of STDs - specifically, crabs. It just made sense; after all, it is VD in a couple days. I wrote the music myself and modeled it after all those great/cheesy horror movie soundtracks from the 80s. I hope you like it!

Definitely check out Nicole's blog, and definitely sign up for Thrift Store Pen Pals! And most importantly, be safe this Valentine's Day, kids. Shave.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Weird, Dirty, and Funny Search Keywords

I can't see who comes to my blog, but I can see what search keywords you used to find my blog. In other words, if you type "scat porn with furries" into Google and it brings up my blog (for obvious reasons) and you click the link, I can see the words you typed into Google to get here. Today, I'm going to share with you some of my favorite search keywords people have used to land on my little slice of the Internet.

I talk about some pretty weird stuff on this blog, so I get some pretty weird search terms. I also post a lot of picture, so most of the time it's an image search that brings people here. I am slightly ashamed of some of the things that direct people to my blog, and I know that writing about them in this post is only exacerbating the problem, but I do it all for you, Dear Reader.

I was thinking about posting pictures, but after searching a couple of these... just thank me for sticking to text.

"horse fucking woman" - this phrase is one of my top ten sources of random Google traffic, even though I have only ever mentioned horses like twice in my entire blog-lifetime. I am thinking of starting a bestiality website since that's apparently where all the traffic is. I will give my readers the benefit of the doubt here and assume that they all have Tourette Syndrome and accidentally type cuss words. They just meant to type "horse woman."  Although my Tourette Syndrome theory doesn't account for all the "horse mare vagina" and "Lisa in bed with horse" searches I get...

"fucking a store mannequin" - I have also mentioned mannequins only twice, but I have certainly not mentioned making sweet, sweet love to them. They were in some pretty provocative situations, though. Still, I feel like getting your hands on a blow up doll or something would be easier to get a hold of than a store mannequin. Less, ugh... rigid, too. Maybe the Googler was simply looking for a " fucking awesome store mannequin?"

"adventures of a rapist" - This sounds like the title of a terrible, yet lighthearted, movie about a guy with uncontrollable desires and probably mental problems.

"is it right for children to climb shirtless guys" - I have no idea how this search phrase brought someone to my blog, but based on the image this phrase is conjuring in my mind, the answer is definitely no.

"electrical banana dildo" - I... I don't even...

"binoculars and sex" - The only reason I can think to use binoculars during sex is if you're looking through the binoculars backwards. It would make everything look tiny, which would come in very handy if your partner is really fat.

"scabies in the armpits" - Scabies are microscopic little mites that burrow into your skin to cause intense itching. Again, thank me for not posting pictures, but it seems like the worst thing ever. Someone apparently had scabies in their armpits. I can't even make fun of this Googler, I just feel sorry for him!

"pictures of egyptian women throwing up" - That is a very, very specific fetish. How this search brought my blog up, I will never know.

"butchie the raping horse" - Although similar to "horse fucking woman" above, this search phrase is distinctly different. This horse is going around raping people! And we know its name - Butchie! If we know who this horse is, why aren't we doing something about it!

"are thrift stores bad" - Yes, these stores which almost universally support charity are clearly the work of Satan.

"dildo sandwich" - This just sounds funny. Although I hope if someone actually tries eating a dildo sandwich they use the rubbery ones instead of the metal ones. You don't want to be the person who eats a dildo sandwich AND has chipped teeth.

Those are some of my favorites, although I get dozens of incredibly strange search terms every week. People are weird. Check your blog stats and see what keywords people are using to get to your blog. What are some of your strange keywords?