Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Thrift Store Adventures: Bad Gifts!

I love terrible things, as many of you already know if you've ever read a single one of my blog posts. Bad things are just way more interesting than normal things. If I could, I'd surround myself with horrible fashion, ridiculous marketing, and questionable books, a.k.a. visit a thrift store.

Today's edition of Thrift Store Adventures will focus on gifts people have been given which wound up in the thrift store (for obvious reasons). As a bonus theme, these items are all pretty rare, apparently, meaning I couldn't find any information about them on Google. So today, we're off the grid!

This first gift is a Swiss Army style pocket knife. It was under the glass at the checkout counter for $0.50.

I wasn't in need of a knife, but what the knife said is what caught my eye: "eXtreme HR." What the heck could that HR mean? I have compiled a list of possiblities:

  • eXtreme Hot Rats
  • eXtreme Hole Rubbing
  • eXtreme Human Rabies
  • eXtreme Hobo Racing
  • eXtreme Happy Rainbow
  • eXtreme Human Resources

Hmm... I wish I could say it was "Happy Rainbow," but I know that the only somewhat likely possibility is "Human Resources." In which case... What in the shit is eXtreme Human Resources? And why do they need a knife??? What a strange gift to give your HR staff. I imagine that the resulting scenario from gifting an HR person a knife went like this:

Work Guy: "Hi, Betty. Do you think that I could use some PTO next Friday? My son has a dentist appointment."
HR Betty: "What the fuck did you just say to me?" *stab*

Now THAT'S some extreme HR! 

Next, we have a lovely gift idea for the 'tween in your life, TTYL Text Message Scent Spray. 

Yep. That's text-speak scented perfume. The box is adorned with all sorts of great text message shorthand, such as IDK and LYLAS, which, incidentally, means "love you like a sister." I use that one all the time with my friends. 

Anyway, someone donated this thinking that someone would get some use out of it. Not only that, but someone actually bought this in the first place for someone, thinking that they would like it and use it. But on top of that, someone gave the "okay" to manufacture and sell this perfume. 

I don't know if the point is to smell like a phone or to smell like a message. If they're going for the phone smell, do they think that people want to smell like something people carry around in their ass pockets all day long? No gracias. If they're going for the message smell, what the hell do they think a message smells like? Well, I smelled the package. Apparently a text message smells like green apple.

Lastly, we have the best gift of the day, a "World's Greates Dad" mug.

This mug has some very eye-catching colors, which is what initially drew me to it. Then I looked at it for a little while and wondered what kind of kid would give this to their dad. Here is why this is a terrible gift:

  • The mug is clearly meant for a man, yet it has a giant rainbow sprawled across the mug.
  • Where the mug isn't covered in rainbows, it's covered in hearts.
  • They definitely misspelled the word "Greatest." At first I thought it was worn paint, but no. It's a typo.
  • I assume gift-giver actually wanted their dad to use this, meaning it would either be displayed in the kitchen or in their office at work. "No thanks, son, you're an idiot."

The most important word on the mug is obviously "DAD," but how do they misspell the second most important word, "GREATEST?" Maybe "GREATES" is actually what they meant to say. Maybe it is some secret code that father and son both share, making it a great inside joke, and thus a great gift. Or a GREATE gift, if you will. Or maybe GREATES is actually an acronym, probably meaning Getting Rid of Everything And Taking Shelter. That gives "WORLD'S GREATES DAD" a whole new meaning; I think Dad is in the witness protection plan. So excellent work being sneaky, son!

In an unrelated subject, my dad's birthday is coming up and I have the perfect gift in mind!


  1. Wow, you find some really crazy stuff! When I saw the eXtreme HR, I thought the HR stood for "hood rat". I don't know. That's just what came to my head!

  2. Haha! It probably does mean Hood Rat. That would make way more sense with the whole stabbing scenario.

  3. hahahahahahaa :)
    This post is soo funny!!
    I'm sitting at my desk at work, laughing inappropriately and ppl are staring at me :P
    The Swiss knife is my fav :)

  4. "Bad things are just way more interesting than normal things" - I might start using this as a quote from now on...

    Also, there's a huge defect in/on the GREATES cup. No unicorn - :( :( :( :( :(

    (I'm not sure how many sad-faces are considered acceptable)

  5. Better not be that cup :(

  6. culinarystorm: I do that too! It's always pretty awkward, but I guess laughing at your desk is better than crying at your desk. But thanks :)

    TaurMe: I'm flattered! And I know, the lack of unicorns is a pretty glaring mistake. I feel that 5 sad-faces will probably suffice, but next time better make it 10.

    Dad: Dang it, how'd you figure it out!? Well... I guess I'll have to think of something else then... I have to say though, Dad, you are the greates.

  7. The knife is obviously eXtreme Hemorrhoid Rub. Love your finds, very funny! :)

  8. ^Woody, your dad wins 1,000 Internets for his above comment.

    You, of course, win 10,000 Internets for all of your crazy finds. I'm thinking Extreme Human Resources means if you blow the job interview, you get shanked. Kind of gives new meaning to the term 'high-stakes job interview'.


  9. Alison: Thanks :) And rubbing a knife on your hemorrhoids DOES sounds extremely eXtreme!

    Shane: That is freaking amazing, you are definitely right!!! I think you, sir, are the winner of 1000 Internets.

  10. When I saw the knife I assumed it was eXtreme Human Relations... but that's because I deal with our HR department at work a lot. I like the scenario you described that would go along with it... cause what else would you need a knife for in HR?? :-)

  11. Hi! Found you via Khaki not Cocky- I obviously need to go thrifting more often! Awesome post!

    Have a great weekend!

  12. I'm really mad at the "World's Greates Dad" mug . . .like, it takes time to make a mug. I'm sure someone must have looked at it before it was completed and STILL there's a 't' missing? I'd definitely take a sharpie to that. Yes, indeed.

    I just wanted to let you know that I have wrote "wood" instead of "would" twice today and I feel like you're to blame for all these spelling errors.

  13. ^It's a good Nhya is the World's Greates Proofreader.