I will be using original flavor Vienna sausages as my baseline specimen and comparing all other sausages to that. So here is the lineup.
You can almost see the nerves on them as they prepare to be critically judged, but just look at their determination.
As I tried each sausage, I wrote down my thoughts on a notepad. I will transcribe my notes below. Who will stand up to the test? Who will prevail? Who will fail miserably? Let's find out.
Libby's Original Vienna Sausage:
Notes: Soft, mushy, slightly salty. Quite tasty.
Grade: 5 (this is the control sausage, so it will be right in the middle at a a score of 5 out of 10)
Libby's Zesty BBQ Vienna Sausage:
Notes: Not zesty. Tougher texture. Tastes like old SpaghettiOs. Barely any BBQ taste. Cats might like it?
Prairie Belt Smoked Sausage:
Notes: Same texture as BBQ. Tastes like lumber - Prairie Belt actually tastes like the little house on the prairie. I could only ever eat one.
Armour Chicken Vienna Sausage:
Notes: Tastes a lot like Libby's Original! Firm texture. A bit saltier... too salty. Tastes like hot dog concentrate.
Armour Jalapeno Vienna Sausage:
Notes: Surprisingly spicy. A cat wouldn't even eat this. Tastes like fennel seeds.
Armour Smoked Vienna Sausage:
Notes: Tastes like a grilled hot dog. A bit much though. Tastes like straight Liquid Smoke.
As you can see, the original Vienna sausages win! I was a little surprised by this outcome. I was almost sure the smoked Armour sausages would win, hands down. This is like playing Mario Kart and winning the game with Mario. I guess this goes to show how a little heart and determination can bring out the best in everyone. It's a classic tale brought to life with these little sausages.
I was going to curve the scores to even things out, but on second thought... 5/10 seems about right as far as ideal Vienna sausage taste goes. After eating six little sausages my belly doesn't want any more. But only for you, Dear Reader, I will go against my body's will and make some food out of all these opened cans of sausages I have lying around now.
I looked up some Vienna sausage recipes because I didn't want to just throw away six barely-eaten cans of perfectly good
Vienna sausages with ketchup, mayonnaise, relish, mustard, and cheese. On crescent rolls. With that delicious mix of ingredients how could the vampire bat faces be anything but delectable? /sarcasm. I decided to put one of every flavor of sausage in my mix. I mashed up all the ingredients and spooned the mixture onto the crescent rolls.
I then folded them in half, sealed them up, and placed sausage eyes on each bat.
I then cooked them for a while. When they were done I put on the finishing touches, which was the nose and mouth.
It's pretty tough to be very accurate with ketchup paint on a crescent roll canvas, but I made due. Again, the recipe was very vague about how to make these, and there were no pictures, but this is what I came up with. I kind of like these guys. But as I have learned from various cow-farm movies, I shouldn't name these guys and make them pets if I plan on eating them with a healthy conscience.
So I ate the nameless creatures. I certainly wasn't expecting much considering what they're made of. I have to say though, these bat faces are actually pretty tasty! If you even somewhat like Vienna sausages, or if you hate your family, I'd recommend these little guys. They are a pretty decent snack, I'd say.
Final Taste Grade: 8.5/10
Final Looking-Like-a-Bat Grade: 1/10