Thrift Store Pen Pals - From Brad!

Woo hoo! I got my second Thrift Store Pen Pal item! I know what it's like to be in your shoes now; very curious, yet in the back of your mind hoping it's not anthrax. Well, Brad, of Ginger Brad, was kind enough to not poison me this time, and sent me a book! It's called "Jack Russell: Dog Detective - The Sausage Situation" by Darrel and Sally Odgers.

That's a pretty epic title for several reasons. I think I'll go ahead and judge this book by its cover, making up the entire story based solely on its cover, then I'll read it and see how closely my harsh judgment and the cold reality match up.

Judging the Book by its Cover:
Jack Russell is a breed of dog featured on the cover of this book, and it's also the name of the main dog, Jack Russell. The Odgers were clearly born with ultra-evolved minds; they cleverly realized that Jack Russell is a type of dog, but it could ALSO be a name! So they went ahead and blew us all away by naming the Jack Russell Jack Russell. After all the creativity spent on the main dog's name, it's a wonder the authors managed to write the rest of the book. But they did.

Turns out, ol' Jack Russell is a dog detective, solving crimes, sniffing asses. In this harrowing tale, Jack was born the runt of the litter. Being so small, he was easily overlooked and never got much attention from his busy mother, Jill, or any of his brothers or sisters, Jackie, Russ, Dawg, and Pup. On top of it all, he was a little slow in the head. Although he tried to fit in with his family and classmates at training school, he just didn't quite grasp sarcasm or innuendos - he simply took everything for face-value. Despite these drawbacks, Jack had a big imagination and looked up to his hero, Wishbone, a Jack Russell from TV who often imagined himself as the main character of popular books.

One day at training school, Jack overhead the older dogs talking about how this class didn't matter and that they could get most anything they wanted just by eavesdropping on the humans and following them around. The older dogs were half joking, but poor jack took this advice to heart.

On his way home, Jack saw a flyer tacked to a telephone pole which read

Dirty Gary's Sausage Fest

If a hot, juicy weiner is your cause for celebration

Cum to 80th and Troost for The Sausage Situation!

Just a few hours earlier he heard those older dogs talking about getting what you want by following humans, and he may have been slow, but he knew he wanted sausages. He had to think, "what would Wishbone do?" and realized that Wishbone would do as detective Sherlock Holmes and follow anyone who comes and reads the sign; they would lead him to 80th and Troost for his delicious sausage fest! The reason he didn't simply walk to the address is because he didn't know directions - he may be a reading dog, but come on, he's still a dog.

For days Jack would observe the flyer and wait for a human to read its message. Someone just had to see the sign! "How could someone NOT be interested in a huge sausage fest??" thought Jack. Finally, a man dressed in a sequined vest with cutoff jean shorts and a beret walked up to the sign. The man considered the flyer for a moment, smiled, then walked the other direction. This was the moment Jack had been waiting for. He followed the questionably-dressed man for what seemed like miles, until he finally stopped at the door to an old warehouse. He knocked on the door and a man dressed in a mesh shirt and very short basketball shorts answered and let him in. Jack made his move and bolted between the men's legs without them noticing. All he could think of was sausages - warm, juicy, tender sausages melting in his mouth. What he found was something far different.

Techno music filled his ears and a strobe light assaulted his vision. Everywhere he looked he saw naked men. He'd seen his master in his underwear before, but never naked - this was his first look at a fully naked human, and it appeared as though there were sausages coming from their crotches! Just as Jack told himself that that was crazy, he noticed several men trying to eat the other men's sausages. Jack had sniffed a crotch or two in his day and he knew that he didn't want to eat these sausages. He never knew that this was where sausages came from, and the truth was simply shocking - to think, all a sausage really was was a human's red rocket.

Jack bolted outside and immediately started eating grass; he thought he was going to be sick. Just then, one of the sausage fest men saw him and said, "Ooooh, lookie guys, a puppy! Let's bring him in!" Jack would be having none of that and so he ran all the way home, never looking back. Exhausted, he stumbled through his doggy door and collapsed on the floor. Much to the humans' surprise, Jack didn't beg or even seem interested in the Bratwurst they were having that night, or any night thereafter. In fact, Jack never ate another sausage again.

The Reality:
Well, I surprised even myself with where my made-up version of that story went. Now I'm off to read the actual book, and thanks to the magic of the internet, you don't even have to wait while I read it!

Okay, I'm done.

That was the worst book I've ever read. I've probably said that before, but this time it's true. I was, however, surprisingly accurate in judging the book by its cover! It turns out the authors are exactly as creative as I'd expected! Not only is there a dog named Jill Russell, but her owners are named Jack and Jill. Who the heck names their dog after themselves? I'm not going to name my dog Woody, that would just be weird and confusing for everyone. Also, there is a fox terrier named Foxy. This is just a sampling of the creative juices the Odgers have flowing through them.

That's about as close as my story was to the original, which I'd say is still a win compared to my previous attempts. I can honestly say that my story was much better and well thought-out, though, and the real story is unfortunately not about a gay orgy. The story is about a Jack Russell dog, Jack Russell, who gets a tip from his friend, Foxy, that there is a sausage heist going down. In the very first page of the book it says that Foxy is a "reformed thief," so probably not someone you would trust a whole lot. The dogs all go to some "Dog and Sausage" party and Foxy comes up with an elaborate plan to steal all the sausages back because he thinks belong to him. And so at the end of the book he steals them and eats a dozen sausages.

The main character, Jack, is racist, elitist, and egotistical. You may wonder why I say all these harsh things about a poor dog, but these traits become quite apparent. Throughout the book there are "Jack's Facts," in which he says some opinion and claims it as fact. For example: "All dogs depend on their noses. Jack Russells use their other senses as well. That is why Jack Russells are su-paw-rior. This is a fact." Well, that sentence pretty much proves it. Or, he just doesn't realize that every other mammal alive uses all their senses, too.


The book has a glossary at the end of each chapter to explain the stupid words the authors made up and used in the story. Here are some of my favorites:


Ig-gnawed: Ignored, but done by dogs. [Sounds more like something a dawg would say rather than a dog]
Su-paw-rior: Superior, the way Jack Russells are. [Do I smell a paw-locaust coming on?]
Jack-jump: A sudden jump made by a Jack Russell terrier. [Akin to saying, "human-hop," or "person-poop"]
Terrier-tory: A territory owned by a terrier. [This one isn't THAT bad, I guess]
Terrier-able: Same as terrible, but to do with terriers. [This one IS that bad]
In-terrier-gate: Official questioning, done by a terrier. [Okay. That's enough. We get it]
Im-paw-tant: Important, for dogs. [Something a southern belle would say, not a dog]
Jack-snack: A snack for a Jack. [This was in the glossary because, ya know, it wasn't super obvious]

The glossary terms come in three categories: a paw/dog reference, a terrier reference, or a Jack reference. And they use these words alllll the time. "Terrier-able" does not roll off the tongue, making me say that this book is, in fact, quite terrier-able and im-paw-sible to enjoy, no bones about it. Bah.

Coming from a dog who clearly thinks he's the shit, Jack sure is stupid. He keeps saying how smart and how much better Jack Russells are than any other type of dog, but he doesn't pick up on the (super obvious) fact that his friend, Foxy, is the sausage thief. The book ended and Jack STILL didn't figure it out, no joke. Perhaps he isn't as su-paw-rior as he thinks.

I'm summary, this book is paw-ful and the authors deserve the shock collar. Woof. Although, I have to hand it to Brad for finding and sending such a strange book! Thank you, sir, may your life be filled with bountiful sausage situations!

Judging Books by Their Covers - Part 3!

Although we were warned against it as children, one of my favorite things to do is judge books by their covers. Literally! This time I have an excellent assortment of fine reading, summarized and judged, solely by the title and cover picture, by yours truly. I'm pretty sure I am about 90% accurate on all of my book summaries, so go to your local library and pick up some of these great books! *insert Reading Rainbow transition sound effect*

First up is a classic, The Very Best of Friends, by Anonymous.

Here is where you would expect me to make a bestiality joke about the kid and farm animals rolling in the hay together, but I'm not going to do that (although by telling you I'm not going to make the joke, I just made the joke. Win!). I generally never open the book when Judging Books by Their Covers, but I opened this one.

It is JUST a cover (the pages were ripped out), so I can still get away with it. Anyway, the kid on the cover is a very young Michael Vick. I know, he looks really pale; it turns out Mr. Vick is actually Caucasian, but since he grew up on a farm he was out in the sun a lot and just got completely covered in freckles. That's why he looks so dark now.

(I totally stole that freckle joke.)

Mike never had many friends so he had to look for more creative sources of entertainment. He found the farm animals to be particularly good listeners, as they never complained whenever he went on about himself. They all became very close, and so the Grain Gang was formed. They even came up with fun nicknames! Member list:

• Michael Vick - Mad Dog Mike
• Hen - The Scrambler
• Cow - Cuddy
• Horse - Me Dick
• Goat - The Bleating Beater

The Grain Gang was all fun and games at first. They roamed the farm, played by the creek, and discussed girls. But things turned for the worse when Mad Dog Mike got into drugs. The gang started noticing he was acting differently and was spending less and less time with them.

One day, Mike called a gang meeting in the barn. The animals were hesitant considering how Mike had been acting lately, but thought he was calling them there to discuss his drug habit. Mike showed up looking very shady and shifty. He told them he had a fool-proof money-making opportunity and he wanted them to be part of it. All they had to do was meet up in front of the two barns at 6:00 pm. It sounded easy enough, and if it helped Mad Dog Mike, the gang figured they'd do their part.

They arrived in front of the barns at 6, and to their surprise there was another gang there, and they looked angry! Just then, Michael put a fence around the two gangs and said, "Don't let me down, Grain Gang! I have a lot of money riding on you guys killing that other gang!" And that was the end of The Scrambler, Cuddy, Me Dick, and The Bleating Beater. And the beginning of Michael Vick - Animal Figher.

If that was too depressing, next up we have Diablo - A Day Like Any Other by Gabi Adam!

Everyone knows that Diablo is another name for the Devil, and this book is about the Devil himself. Although he is commonly known as the personification of evil, he had a biography written about him to let the world know what a day in the life of Satan is like.

The book starts off with Diablo waking up in the morning and starting his Keurig for some Donut Shop coffee, then watching the news for an hour. He then goes outside and steps onto a beautiful pasture with lots of rolling hills and a single rearing horse, silhouetted against the sunrise. The Devil then puts his fingers to his mouth and whistles. "Sunflake! Here girl!" The horse neighs and happily runs over to her master. "Good morning, gorgeous! Want to take a ride today?" Diablo feeds Sunflake a handful of oats while petting her shiny brown mane.

They then go on a ride through the stunning meadow and through the woods to a cottage set near a babbling brook. Diablo knocks on the door and a fragile little old lady answers. "Morning Mrs. Muffin! I brought you some more home baked cookies. :)" "Oh, Diablo, you are too good to me. You visit me every day and never ask anything in return. Please come in, I have just prepared some tea!" "Thanks, gran, but Sunflake and I have a big day today. I just dropped by to say hello!" They say their goodbyes and Diablo rides off to save an orphanage.

The book really shows that the Devil has just been given a bad rap all these years. The back of the book shows Diablo wearing a wool turtleneck and glasses and enjoying a poetry book.

Finally, we have ¿Donde Esta Bebe Oso? by Mystery Author.

I went to Google Translate for some help with this next one. Unless you can read Spanish, I suggest you do the same.

Diego estaba sentado con sus amigos Raccoon Randy, Dennis Pato, y Randy Conejo. Randy y Randy tenía el mismo nombre, pero Diego podría distinguirlos, porque uno era un mapache y una era un conejo. Diego cuenta a su amigo Butch oso había desaparecido, por lo que pidió a sus amigos animales donde estaba. "Lo vi caminar hacia ese gran castillo detrás de nosotros", dijo Randy. "Gracias, señor Raccoon. Tal vez deberíamos buscarlo." , dijo Diego. "Eso no fue Randy, que era yo, Randy". exclamó Randy. El cuatro de ellos estaban muy confundidos.

El grupo decidió ir al castillo a buscar a su amigo Butch Bear, pero no pudieron encontrar la manera de cruzar el foso. "Vamos a lanzar piedras en el foso para hacer un puente!" Randy sugirió. Todos ellos les gustó la idea, pero Dennis estaba teniendo ninguna parte de eso, y tranquilamente cruzó a nado el foso. Ellos trabajaron durante horas hasta que el puente estaba completo, entonces maldijo a Dennis por ser tan perezoso.

Llegaron a la puerta y se encontró que en lugar de los guardias, había dos cuerpos brutalmente mutilados. Caminaron un poco más en el castillo y se dio cuenta de que todos habían comido. "Esto es terrible! Sin duda, el rey debe saber qué está pasando!" -exclamó el grupo. Diego, Dennis, Randy, Randy y entró en la habitación del rey y vio a Butch oso sentado en el trono, mirando con sangre y feliz. Los cuatro amigos se miraron, se meten las manos en las caderas, y sacudió la cabeza: "¡Oh, Butch! Usted tonto oso!"

And there you have it! Three completely accurate summaries of books I came up with based on their covers alone! Until next time!

Judging Books by Their Covers - Part 2!

Last month, I did the unthinkable - I went against the popular idiom and judged some books by their covers (basically I write a fake summary of a book based only on its cover and title). This month, I'm doing it again! Like last time, I haven't read the real summary or thought about my B.S. summaries in advance, so I guess we'll see what happens. Hopefully it won't include any furries or poor female hygiene this time. No promises though.

First up, we have A Long Vacation for Mr. and Mrs. Bumba by Pearl Augusta Harwood:

This is one of those children's books that is supposed to teach a life lesson. It is all about a happy family, the Bumbas. In the first few pages, we are introduced to Splashy, the family goldfish, which Susie Bumba (the youngest daughter) loves to death. Literally. She decides she wants to have a sleepover with Splashy and so she takes him out of the tank and puts him under the covers with her one night. The book doesn't go into specifics about what exactly happens under the covers, but the book claims Splashy "dried out," which leads the reader to assume that there wasn't any fishy romance involved. There is a whole ceremony around the toilet where Papa Bumba tells Susie that Splashy isn't dead, he just needs to go on a "long vacation." This calms Susie down.

Seeing how well that explanation worked on little Susie, her parents start using this excuse for everything. She broke her bike - it went on a long vacation. She lost a tooth - it went on a long vacation. They can't afford the internet anymore - long vacation. Mama and Papa Bumba know how attached to her grandparents Susie is, but they are getting on in years, so Mama and Papa concoct a plan.

Susie's grandparents, Mr. and Mrs. Bumba, have tickets to see the World Series of Bingo Live in Las Vegas; Mama and Papa ask them stop by and say goodbye to Susie. Being the good grandparents that they are, Mr. and Mrs. head right over and say goodbye to Susie, and even agree to use the cryptic "long vacation" excuse at Mama's and Papa's request. Then they leave. What they don't know is that Mama and Papa cut their brakes, and so is the end of Mr. and Mrs. It was really in Susie's best interest.

At the end of the book there is a Shyamalanian twist ending in which Susie finds herself pregnant - with Splashy's spawn!!!

Next up, we have Kittens in the Kitchen, by Ben. M. Baglio:

I think we should all take a moment to repeat aloud the author's name... "Ben Baglio." Good. Anyway, the tagline for this book states, "A week to save the kittens..." Keep that ellipsis in mind, it is important. 

Poopsie and Fluffkins are hot, passionate lovers. Cats, but lovers nonetheless. One day, a miracle happens and Poopsie become pregnant! Both cats are overjoyed. "It seems like just yesterday," Fluffkins proclaimed, "that we met each other in the fern bush. Now, we have a family!" Poopsie smiled at the thought, but could barely hide her shame; she had been seeing the neighbor's cat, Señor Meowmo. She knew she had to tell Fluffkins within the week.

Once the litter had been born, Fluffkins noticed that all the kittens were a different color than he, and that they all kind of resembled Señor Meowmo! He realized what had been going on behind his back and cursed himself for not seeing it sooner. He didn't let on that he knew though. Instead, he made a great kitty nest inside the kitchen for Poopsie and the kittens - inside the oven. "It's really the perfect, warmest spot for our new family." Fluffkins said, slyly. Poopsie agreed and they moved in when the kittens were exactly one week old.

I'm going to spoil the ending here. The last few sentences of the book finish the book's tagline: "Poopsie could have, even should have, told Poopsie her secret. If only she'd been honest, maybe he'd understand. She had a week to save the kittens... but instead they are victims of a crime of 'burning' passion." I feel that the pun there at the end was really in poor taste.

Finally, we have the greatest book cover I've ever come across, The Destroyer: Death Therapy, by Richard Sapir and Warren Murphy. 

I can guarantee that whatever crap I come up with for this cover is nowhere near as awesome as the actual story. I mean, look at that! It's so awesome it needed two writers. This is what is pictured on the cover: a disembodied, floating, giant head; a guy in a suit holding a big, fat guy upside down by the ankles; a hot chick lying on a therapist's couch; three Nazis stripping their clothes off and running from something; and Mr. Miyagi meditating in front of a flower. Okay, here goes.

The Destroyer, the main character, takes a giant hit of acid. He now sees himself as a huge, disembodied head floating around "saving the world," a la Wizard of Oz. The book makes it clear that he didn't get the nickname "The Destroyer" for nothing, which he proves by visiting the local elementary school. This book is interesting because it describes what he is doing in his own mind, and then goes on to explain what he did in reality. Here are a few key scenes:

His Mind: The evil Dr. Fatty-Mc-Balds is plotting to tap into America's power grid and implant a virus that will cause "poison electricity." Although he doesn't know what the heck that is, The Destroyer knows it is bad. And evil. And stuff. So, with superhuman strength, he lifts Dr. Fatty-Mc-Balds up by his ankles and deposits him in some quicksand, where he belongs.

Reality: "The Destroyer" walks into Mrs. Wilkerson's 2nd grade class and see's little Timmy giving a Science Fair presentation on electricity. The Destroyer then proceeds to wreck the experiment, carry Timmy to the cafeteria by his ankles, and toss him directly into that day's lunch - a scalding pot of shepherd's pie. 

His Mind: Three Nazis are in their bunker (which The Destroyer sneaked into) planning to take over London. This is not okay with The Destroyer, so he whips up a handy batch of hydrochloric acid and throws it on the Nazis' coats. Once they start burning, the Nazis start ripping their clothes off and running away. The Destroyer saved the day.

Reality: Three boys are playing in the fort at recess when The Destroyer bumbles in and pisses on them. He then tackles the boys and starts removing their clothes. The three boys then run the eff away. 

His Mind: After a hard day's work of saving the world and what not, The Destroyer goes home, but what's this in his den!? None other than the sexy Boobinski lying on his couch, of course! For the next three hours they make the most passionate love that's ever been conceived. :)

Reality: The Destroyer raped Mrs. Wilkerson. :(

His Mind: After the passion, The Destroyer meditates on the day's events with his personal mentor, Mr. Miyagi. All is well in the world, and zen has been achieved.

Reality: That whole thing was just an acid dream he had while the cops tazed the crap out of him.

That's it, kids! I hope you enjoyed this month's edition of Judging Books by Their Covers! 

Judging Books by Their Covers - Part 1!

You've heard the adage "never judge a book by its cover." Well, that's just no fun. In fact, a lot of times a book's cover is way better than its actual content. Here, we'll go over a few books I've found lately and give you their full synopsis. Without having actually read the synopses.

(OK, so after re-reading this post before publishing... I'll just apologize in advance.)

First up, we have a psychological murder-mystery, Did I Do That? by Dorothy Laux.

Ms. Laux is really a master of suspense, because in this story the main character, Sausage (shown on the cover), is plagued with extremely early-set Alzheimer's. He's a great kid, gets good grades, does the chores, but he never seems to remember what he's done during a lot of the unusual goings-on in the neighborhood. 

This Mememto-esque work is an internal struggle with Sausage as he tries to unravel just what happens during his blackouts. He doesn't drink, or at least if he's an alcoholic he doesn't remember, so he doubts these are the fun kind of blackouts. His family and friends are starting to wonder why Sausage always looks so bewildered and carries that silly rake around with him everywhere. 

The scene pictured above is a really great part in the story. Sausage, loving to use his rake any time he can, is raking all the leaves off of the trees in his yard, as can be seen in the picture. This makes his parents furious, but Sausage simply cannot help it. He's addicted. *Spoiler alert* One day, his dad scolds Sausage, "Boy, I done told you once, and I done told you twice - stop pickin' them leaves off o' my maple!" In the middle of his verbal thrashing, Sausage suddenly awakens from another blackout to see that the end of his rake is covered in blood, and leaning against the tree near him is his bloody father. You can see the look of confusion and sadness in Sausage's face, an expression which defines the book's title, "Did I Do That?" I'm really surprised the publishers decided to use such a pivotal point in the story as the cover picture though.

Next up is a book called Sleepover Friends #11: Stephanie's Family Secret, by Susan Saunders.

Pierre and Stephanie are the best of friends. They get along great but they have an insatiable addiction to spying. They spy on the neighbors, their teachers, squirrels in the yard, and even their own parents. You can see Pierre in the cover picture above using his prized binoculars doing just that - catching his parents in the act. "What act might that be?" you may be asking, which is a perfect lead-in to me telling you what act they were doing. They were caught having sex, but not just any sex - they were FURRIES. 

For those of you who don't know (yeah right), furries are people who dress up like their favorite animals and bang each other. Just check out that link in the previous paragraph. Anyway, this wouldn't be THAT unusual, except that Stephanie's parents were there too, along with the family dog and cat. 

That all happens within the first chapter of the book. The rest of the story is mainly focused around Pierre and Stephanie watching every night as their parents and their "sleepover friends" (the book's namesake) all get together and do it like bunnies - literally. The scene captured on the book's cover is from night #143 during a particularly erotic moment of passion. You can see Pierre saying, "That is super hot. My weiner is straight up, like this!" To which Stephanie replies, "I know, right! My nips are straight out, like this!"

Finally, we have Paula Danziger's autobiography, The Cat Ate My Gymsuit.

This book was written in the early '90s during the rise of political correctness. This being a book for young adults, they couldn't openly say words like "vagina" or "cunt," so they instead opted for "cat." From the cover, you can see Paula sitting on the bench of the sauna trying to sweat away those pounds. But more on that in a minute.

Paula's family had never been into the whole "hygiene" thing, so she'd never really learned how to wash herself properly. The kids at school would call her names as she walked by and say mean things, like "As principal, I must suggest you take a shower and change your clothes." Really awful stuff. 

Well, Paula didn't understand what everyone was talking about; she picked the fleas off at least every week, and even used Frontline (when her parents could afford it). So she continued stinking up a storm. Every day for gym class, Paula wore her favorite shorts. She pulled them up and looked at her butt in the mirror, and noticed that they had the word "ASSY" written on them. "Well that's strange," she thought "just last week I could have sworn these shorts said 'SASSY.' Hm." A week later, she checked again, and to her surprise the shorts now simply said "ASS." 

The inevitable had happened. After all the years of not washing herself, her "cat" had finally gotten rancid enough to start eating at her clothes, starting with the letters "S" and "Y." And then, suddenly, the cat ate her gymsuit. A brilliant book title, really. So, seen above, is Paula Danziger sitting in the sauna, in her normal clothes, in thoughtful, stinky bliss. Sitting next to her is a ball of yarn. Ya know, for her "cat." 

This concludes Judging Books by Their Covers! Tune in next time for a few more great titles.

...Please don't judge me.

[Part 2 here!]

Book Review - In the House

I found a great book called "In the House." Those are pretty much the only words in the entire book, other than the publisher info and the fact that it was copyrighted in 1981 and printed for the fifth time in 1987. I'm surprised this book went through five prints and 6 years to be honest. Anyway, let's start the review.

Creep-ass

That is the cover. Like I said, those are the only words in the book, leaving the meaning of the book open for interpretation. Since the book is only like 6 pages long, I will be presenting each page and the interpretation I have come up with. Feel free to give me your thoughts, I'm open for debate on this. 

I originally thought that the clown is an MC and he is "in the house," meaning that he's present and ready to party because it looks like he is raising the roof and making it rain on them hoes (notice the coin-like objects in his hands). I also thought that he was wearing that coat and boots, but the coat is clearly backwards, his arms aren't in the arm-holes, and there are no legs going into the boots. That can only mean that the title, In the House, means that this shitty little clown is hiding somewhere in your house. But where? That's the mystery and intrigue of this book.

The first two pages of the book are pretty confusing. It is difficult to gather what they could mean, but with a little brainpower we can see that in the first page, the clown (Let's call him Tinkles) is telling you that you're going to need to be seated for this. The book is far too powerful and emotional to read standing up. He also laughs at your crappy taste in chairs. 

On page two, we see an empty table, set in a calming blue background. The calm is only temporary, however, because the meaning of this page is clear once you think about it. Tinkles the Clown participates in Manson-esque Creepy-Crawls (note: since I doubt anyone really reads my links, and to provide insight into that reference, Charles Manson and crew would break into peoples houses while they slept and rearrange their furniture, just to fuck with people. They called it Creepy Crawling, and Tinkles does too!).

What would you do if you only had a short amount of time left on Earth? That is the question that page three presents, as it shows a ticking cuckoo clock. Although it is not an overpowering message, Tinkles delivers it smoothly just the same. As a side note, I actually kind of like that clock picture for some reason. The colors and the simpleness of it maybe?

How did Tinkles the Clown get in your house to begin with? This book knew its readers were smart and would ask such questions, so page four covers the details. Silly you, you forgot to close the window! 

Remember on the cover when Tinkles was fucking around in your clothes? Well page five shows a wardrobe, but make no mistake! This is only here to throw the readers off, he is not inside your wardrobe. But you're curious and you're going to look anyway, and when you see it is empty, you are given a false sense of security. 

Page six is simply reminding you to water your plants.

And that's all there is to "In the House!" The end, kaput, el fin. But wait, where in the hell was Tinkles hiding? That lingering question will haunt you and taunt you, and you won't want to close the book until you find out. That's where this book's genius really shows. Once you give up and decide that Tinkles is nowhere in the house and you finally close the book - BOOM!

That's right, kids! He's been under your bed the whole time! Goodnight! :)

When I decided to review this book, I just started writing. I had no idea where I was going with it, and I don't know how or why I gave it the creepy-clown-hiding-in-your-house theme, but that's where I went. What are your interpretations?