Anyone for Some Tea?

Recently, a friend informed me of an Asian market that she thought I would enjoy. Given my reputation for strange and off-color shopping, she suspected that the bizarre selection of goods at said market would pique my interest, so we decided to check it out. It was, indeed, a unique experience.

You know that feeling you get when you open the door on a very hot summer day and the heat just kind of avalanches over you in an overwhelming heat wave? Imagine that, but replace "very hot summer day" with "Kansas City Asian market," and "heat" with "rotten, fishy smell." It was a molasses-thick stench. After a few minutes of adjusting to our new, smelly atmosphere, we looked around and found some pretty interesting things. Perhaps most noteworthy was the strange selection of teas they were offering.

I will discuss my favorite teas of the bunch.

Manhood: "Male elixir, immunity support, and energy" - This tea - ahem, elixir - imbues the lucky drinker with the power of a boy celebrating his Bar Mitzvah; once you have consumed this tea, you are officially a man. That's because it's made with dehydrated goat testes.

Stamina: "Help relax and replenish energy" - This is the tea that Dovahkiin drinks when using two-handed weapons in Skyrim. He also drinks it when he sprints too much. Sorry for that nerdy reference.

Kidney Fortifier: "Diuretic, strengthen the kidney" - Drink this right before binge drinking in order to take your kidneys from drab to fab. It is labeled as a diuretic though, so "breaking the seal" will be even more of an issue than normal. With such superstar kidneys, you won't have to worry about peeing blood next time you get hit in the kidneys, either. 

Horny Goat Weed - Did you try the Manhood tea and think that it didn't have quite enough dehydrated goat testes? Well Horny Goat Weed has you covered! They must have misspelled the title though, because I believe this should be called "Horny Goat SEED." Ya know, like sperm. The lower left corner of the box proudly advertises its "20 tea bags," and if you know what "tea bagging" is then you'll realize what a great deal getting teabagged 20 times by a horny goat really is!

President's Super Energy: "Immunity support, vitality, and brain power" - Whether you're president of the United States, your company, or even your local Biebz fan club, President's Super Energy is sure to give you the brain power you need to lead a country, run a company, or be jealous of Selena Gomez, respectively.

Reishi Liver Guard: "Herb of immortality, detoxify the liver & tonify the lung" - This is the only tea you need to drink! It offers IMMORTALITY! It says so right on the box! It also "tonifies the lung" I looked up "tonify" on dictionary.com and it means "to make fashionable," so if you're in need of some immortality and stylish lungs, this is the tea for you. I'm assuming that this tea can offer all that because those mushrooms on the box are a little bit "magic," if you catch my drift.

Female Joy: "Female response & sensitivity" - Ladies, are you not quite sensitive enough? Does your boyfriend say things like, "Gee, I love you and all, Margaret, but I wish you were more emotional!" Well this tea has you covered!

Mammary and Uterus Care: "For healthy breasts and uteruses" - I drink this tea every day at work to keep my uterus up to par. 

Lung Pacifier: "Cough, antitussive, antispasmodic, expectorant, anti-prutic, congestion" - The lungs are one organ that I can say just get tooooo wild. Calm those lungs down with this tea. When used in conjunction with the Reishi Liver Guard, you can have fashionable AND pacified lungs with Lung Pacifier! 

Midlife Rejuvenatin: "Deter aging, help cope with mid-life changes" - If the immortality tea is a bit too permanent for you, try Midlife Rejuvenation to help you "cope with mid-life changes." The directions say to use vodka instead of water in this tea. It really makes coping with your oldness much easier.

TV/ComputerMate: "anti-radiation, antihypoxia, memory, blood nurturing" - Citizens of Chernobyl, worry no more! TV/ComputerMate tea will fight off that silly radiation! It also claims to be "antihypoxic." Hypoxia is a deficiency in oxygen to your cells and tissues. If you are in a hypoxic state from sitting in front of the TV or computer too long, I'd say you should be taking more drastic measures than drinking a cup of tea. It is also "blood nurturing," leaving me to believe that this tea is also suitable for vampires. 

Booze Remedy: "Hangovers, liver protection, detoxifying, booze fix" - This tea claims to be a "booze fix," making it the perfect tea for alcoholics! I don't know whether it will cure your alcoholism or just make the booze taste better, but it sounds like a win either way. Since I'm writing this the day after St. Patrick's day, I could sure use some Booze Remedy right now.

Which tea would you like to drink?

BONUS!

We got some Grass Jelly Drink for curiosity's sake and decided to try it out. Boy were we surprised when we took a drink! 

See those black jelly cubes pictured on the can? That's literally what you're getting with this drink. Black liquid filled will cubes of solid jelly. As for taste, it was pretty... grassy. Grass Jelly Drink gets kudos for being so up-front in its labeling. 

Asian Market Food - Grasshoppers, Turnips, and Nazi Noodles!

First off, don't forget to sign up for Thrift Store Pen Pals by Thursday night! :)

The other day I visited Kansas to see some friends and thought I would look around for some blog material. I decided to visit the international market, 888 Market, and I was not disappointed. There was virtually infinite things to look and laugh at! This place is awesome.

I got way more than I bargained for; I expected to maybe find a few odd foods and review them here, but what I got... was a bit shocking, even for me. I got a lot of stuff, so I'm splitting this one into two posts - today I will review the land lubbers (plants and animals found on land) and next will be the seafarers.

First up is some Nazi Ramen Noodles!

I can't read much on this package, but the Nazi symbol on the left intrigued me. This one is "vegetarian" flavor, so considering this is coming from the Nazis, I'm pretty sure I'm about to eat a vegetarian. A human vegetarian. So I'm going to assume that all that fancy writing says "Soylent Ramen."

When I was making it, it came with a sauce pouch that I had to mix in with the noodles. The sauce looked like mud or grime you'd find in a storm water drain in Tokyo, but I braved it and mixed it into the noodles. This is what it ended up looking like:

No surprises there. Let's see how they score on a scale of 1 to 10.

Smell: Kind of like stale noodles, or in other words, like Ramen noodles.

Texture: Noodly.

Taste: Something is a little off about this... I can't quite put my finger on it. Probably the grime sauce. It tastes a bit fishy, so maybe the vegetarian broke his diet and ate fish before he was harvested. Sort of tastes the way a lake smells. I ate the whole thing though.

Final Score: 7/10 

Next we have some turnip stuff: 

I'm not really sure what this stuff is because I can't read those symbols, but the description on the back of the package is what sold me:

Electing the grass pocket radish of high mountain, blown by the wind of the farmhouse eaves, and put into a tile jar to ferment, it has strong delicious taste, and is very refreshing and crisp.

I've never wanted to eat turnips more in my life! They also included an "eating method" which is simply "Just eat it after opening the bag." So the packaging is cool looking, the description is epic, let's see its true colors.

Hmm... it looks like a human liver. Well, let's get right into the review.

Smell: Pretty overwhelming. Slightly sweet, kind of like Chinese food, but very strong. Not super pleasant. And after I threw it away it stunk up my kitchen :(

Texture: Strangely crunchy and tough.

Taste: Pretty spicy and VERY salty. It kind of attacks your taste buds. I can't really detect the wind of the farmhouse eaves, but on the front of the package it states that it has a long aftertaste - that much is certainly true. I didn't finish this stuff, but I didn't ENTIRELY hate it.

Final Score: 4.5/10 

Next up is some quail eggs! 

These guys were cute and small and I just couldn't resist. Apparently, in some countries quail eggs are considered a delicacy. I decided to unceremoniously fry and scramble them.

Actually, my sister did the frying. I did the scrambling.

That's an entire set of 10 eggs! Look how cute! How could you not love them? How did they fare in the review? Let's find out.

Smell: A lot like chicken eggs.

Texture: Pretty crunchy, but that's only because the quail egg shells are really brittle so there were a bunch of shell bits in there.

Taste: A little more "fatty" tasting than chicken eggs. Maybe more yolky. I don't really know how to describe it, but if no one told me it was quail eggs instead of chicken, I doubt I'd notice a difference.

Final Score: 8/10 

Finally, we have the grossest item of the night, Fried Grasshoppers with Salt:

For things you find in your yard and in plagues, these were pretty expensive at about $6. However, I could not pass up a chance like this, so I ate some grasshoppers - for you, Dear Reader. Actually, I talked a surprising number of my friends into trying them with me. 

Would you eat one?

These guys are pretty enormous. I actually tried these twice, with two different sets of friends. I got some videos, too, but none of them are very blog-worthy. However, I will show some highlights after the review!

Smell: If you've ever owned lizards or anything that eat crickets... that's kind of what these smelled like. If you want to recreate the smell, lift up a rock outside and smell underneath it.

Texture: extremely crunchy on the outside, gooey in the middle. Kind of hard to chew them up sufficiently before swallowing.

Taste: A lot like dirt and earth. It was like eating twigs from the yard. The worst part of them was the idea that you were eating a grasshopper.

Final Score: 2/10

It got such a high score because the crunchiness at the beginning was kind of good.

I'm not posting the videos, but here are some snapshots. The videos basically consist of a big *crunch* followed by disgusted faces. 

This is immediately after putting them in our mouths. Right here you can hear my friend say, "Arggughg uggrrrg, huh uh." And then proceeded to do this: 

He threw up :(

I managed to keep them down, though :)

Our second panel of taste-testers.

The results were pretty similar. But this time no one threw up! Good times. You should all try eating grasshoppers and let me know how it is! Next time I have jellyfish and canned squid... So stay tuned!

Book Review - Inside UFO 54-40

Remember those Choose Your Own Adventure books where after every page it gave you a choice of what you wanted to do in the story? I remember I tried one once and ended up getting killed, so I got pissed and never tried again. Well folks, today is redemption day, because I just picked up Inside UFO 54-40, a Choose Your Own Adventure book from 1984!

This is the cover. I haven't read the book yet, so I'm going to make a prediction of my outcome in this journey inside UFO 54-40:

See that giant, white probe-like object hurtling through space? Yeah, I'm definitely going to get probed by that thing. Either that, or that Asian girl is really an alien and she's going to probe me with that mini Easter Island statue she's holding, while its father (the bigger Easter Island statue) watches, pervertedly. Also, I am going to try to choose my adventure carefully so that I can get it on with that vagina-lip-bodied spider thing. She's kinda hot. Oh, and see those fluffy ball things floating around the top of the picture? After I bang the spider she's going to roll me up in one of those cocoons so that our love-babies can feast on me when they hatch. That's just my prediction, though. In a day, or however long it takes me to get probed (because really, what else is going to happen on a UFO?), I'm going to report back and review my adventure..............................

*Awesome montage of me reading a children's book*

.................... So I read it. It took a few hours, because I literally went through EVERY ending. The book had WAY less sexy-time than I had predicted. Okay, let me summarize the situation. I was on an airplane when I saw a giant dildo flying through the sky, when suddenly I was transported onto it.

They provide a handy map of the dildo - the airplane is shown for size comparison

The aliens flying the UFO are trying to get to a paradise planet called Ultima, which they have been trying to find for thousands of years. There is another place called Somo where they make you "sleep for a billion years" if you are bad. There are 4 kinds of endings: bad, good, really bad, and really good. Here's how they go: 

Bad: I end up either trapped on the ship for all eternity or die. It is all eternity because on the ship I never age, so really being stuck on the ship is akin to granting me immortality. Not all that bad. But the endings where I die aren't great. 

Good: I get to go back to Earth. Sometimes I forget the whole situation happened, sometimes I learn a lot and get to inform all the Earthlings of my experience. 

Really bad: This ending is available only once, but you get sent to Somo to sleep for a billion years. I don't know about you, but that sounds very relaxing. I'm considering Somo as my next vacation spot after I save up a billion years' worth of PTO. 

Really good: This ending is bullshit because it isn't even really an ending. You literally have to cheat to get this ending. But you go to Ultima and everyone loves you and you can transport to and from Earth whenever you want, blah blah blah. 

My first adventure on the UFO lasted exactly 6 pages before the aliens kicked me off their ship and erased my memory. I don't know if that means I made the right or wrong choices. From then on I kept hearing about how awesome Ultima was, so I had to try every possible scenario until I finally found it. In one ending, I got captured by Russians. I shit you not. In another, I make friends with a furry alien and then try to sell him to the media for $10,000. In my favorite ending, I wake up to a new plateau of wakefulness to find myself reading a Choose Your Own Adventure Book - implying that it was actually me on the UFO. Awesome. 

But alas, there was no Ultima to be found. After I was sure I had exhausted every scenario, I just started going through page by page looking for what I had missed until I found a page I hadn't seen. It said "You did not make a choice, or follow any directions..." and then a bunch of other stuff. I had found Ultima! By cheating!

Looks pretty ritzy. Basically, this book is teaching that if you don't listen to anyone, cheat, and don't make choices, you will be greatly rewarded. Oh well, I did meet some good friends. The sexy spider on the cover, Qally, for instance. I didn't get to impregnate her, though, unfortunately. I also met this:

The way she strokes that rod and the perfect height of her several mouths... Ooh la la. Just look at my face!

Anyway, Final Grade: C+

Vienna Sausage and Green Olive Sandwich!

A coworker had a "Vienna sausage sandwich" for lunch the other day, which I had never heard of. I wasn't so much grossed out by the thought, but more confused because I had never heard of a Vienna sausage sandwich before. She said she just cut the sausages in half and put them on bread with some mayonnaise. I was curious.

I did some Google research and found a single picture of a Vienna sausage sandwich, but it had some green olives on it, so I decided I would come home and try a Vienna sausage and green olive sandwich. I based my recipe solely on what my coworker said and that picture I found on Google images.

I got all my supplies. Instead of mayonnaise, I used light Miracle Whip. I used the light version because if you're going to eat fat, you might as well get the low-fat fat. 

Here is the can of Vienna sausages. They are kind of bunched together and soaking in some kind of juice. 

So I decided to drain them. They remained stuck together. It kind of reminded me of dumping sand from a bucket, or emptying dog food from a can.

I then sliced all the little sausages in half, as I was advised to do by my coworker. 

I put the Miracle Whip on the sandwich. For some reason, any time I have to spread anything onto bread like mayonnaise or peanut butter, I have to spread it all the way to the edges of the bread for a complete spread. Must be the OCD in me.

I laid the half sausages onto their final resting places but had 4 halves left (or two sausages)!

Next up was the placing of the olives. It looks kind of pretty at this point.

The final product: a Vienna sausage and green olive sandwich! This sandwich is probably really unhealthy. I used ten olives, whereas a serving size of these olives is five. I also used seven sausages, which have a serving size of three. Anyway...

I ate it all. It wasn't very good, but halfway through the salty mess I became determined to finish what I'd started. I guess it wasn't TERRIBLE but I can't recommend it to anyone, and anyone thinking of eating this sandwich should probably use less olives. 

Actually, just don't try it. 

After I ate the sandwich I went to the website where I found the picture that I mentioned earlier. I should have actually read what the guy said about it, because 1) it was hilarious, and 2) he said he wished he'd never tried it. I can't claim to have that guy's level of distaste for the sandwich, but it wasn't awesome.

Final Grade: D+

Book Review - In the House

I found a great book called "In the House." Those are pretty much the only words in the entire book, other than the publisher info and the fact that it was copyrighted in 1981 and printed for the fifth time in 1987. I'm surprised this book went through five prints and 6 years to be honest. Anyway, let's start the review.

Creep-ass

That is the cover. Like I said, those are the only words in the book, leaving the meaning of the book open for interpretation. Since the book is only like 6 pages long, I will be presenting each page and the interpretation I have come up with. Feel free to give me your thoughts, I'm open for debate on this. 

I originally thought that the clown is an MC and he is "in the house," meaning that he's present and ready to party because it looks like he is raising the roof and making it rain on them hoes (notice the coin-like objects in his hands). I also thought that he was wearing that coat and boots, but the coat is clearly backwards, his arms aren't in the arm-holes, and there are no legs going into the boots. That can only mean that the title, In the House, means that this shitty little clown is hiding somewhere in your house. But where? That's the mystery and intrigue of this book.

The first two pages of the book are pretty confusing. It is difficult to gather what they could mean, but with a little brainpower we can see that in the first page, the clown (Let's call him Tinkles) is telling you that you're going to need to be seated for this. The book is far too powerful and emotional to read standing up. He also laughs at your crappy taste in chairs. 

On page two, we see an empty table, set in a calming blue background. The calm is only temporary, however, because the meaning of this page is clear once you think about it. Tinkles the Clown participates in Manson-esque Creepy-Crawls (note: since I doubt anyone really reads my links, and to provide insight into that reference, Charles Manson and crew would break into peoples houses while they slept and rearrange their furniture, just to fuck with people. They called it Creepy Crawling, and Tinkles does too!).

What would you do if you only had a short amount of time left on Earth? That is the question that page three presents, as it shows a ticking cuckoo clock. Although it is not an overpowering message, Tinkles delivers it smoothly just the same. As a side note, I actually kind of like that clock picture for some reason. The colors and the simpleness of it maybe?

How did Tinkles the Clown get in your house to begin with? This book knew its readers were smart and would ask such questions, so page four covers the details. Silly you, you forgot to close the window! 

Remember on the cover when Tinkles was fucking around in your clothes? Well page five shows a wardrobe, but make no mistake! This is only here to throw the readers off, he is not inside your wardrobe. But you're curious and you're going to look anyway, and when you see it is empty, you are given a false sense of security. 

Page six is simply reminding you to water your plants.

And that's all there is to "In the House!" The end, kaput, el fin. But wait, where in the hell was Tinkles hiding? That lingering question will haunt you and taunt you, and you won't want to close the book until you find out. That's where this book's genius really shows. Once you give up and decide that Tinkles is nowhere in the house and you finally close the book - BOOM!

That's right, kids! He's been under your bed the whole time! Goodnight! :)

When I decided to review this book, I just started writing. I had no idea where I was going with it, and I don't know how or why I gave it the creepy-clown-hiding-in-your-house theme, but that's where I went. What are your interpretations?

Book Review - Warriors: Into the Wild

In this edition of Woodn't Ya Know It, I will be reviewing and critiquing an American classic, Warriors: Into the Wild, by Erin Hunter. I stumbled upon this slice of Heaven during a leisurely stroll through Borders and seeing a display of several different books, each with similar covers. I noticed that each cover had cats on it. Obviously, I was sold.

Epic.

I knew that I had to at least experience the greatness that was Warriors, so I found an associate and asked him to direct me to the Warriors books. He asked me who I was buying for, as these books were found in the "Age 8 to 12" section, and when I told him it was clearly me, he gave me a pretty funny look. I am 100% positive that that look was respectful adoration. Likewise, the checkout girl laughed and asked me if I'd like a bag so the other shoppers wouldn't see what I'd just purchased, but she was just jealous buying this book was my idea and not hers.

The book is all about cats. Cats doing everyday cat things, like building clans and going to war, along with keeping in touch with the spirits of their ancestors. I'm pretty sure it's based on a true story. This all-original story is unlike any I've read, with a standard house cat, Rusty, who heads off into the woods to become a great warrior and save his newly joined clan, becoming a hero. If you think this sounds like Harry Potter, Star Wars, or Eragon in any way, you are wrong, mister. Because Rusty is a cat, you see. 

So there's Firepaw (or Rusty, in his house cat days) who is the protagonist who is as common a cat as you or I, then we have Graypaw who is Firepaw's friend who is a pretty great warrior. We also have Ravenpaw who is kind of clumsy and a pretty average warrior. The clan leader, Bluestar, is wise beyond her years, and always keeps a level head and makes good decisions. If you think I just described Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Dumbledore as cats, you are crazy.

There are four clans; ThunderClan - the noble and honorable cats (our heroes!), RiverClan - the cats who are fair and just, WindClan - the pussy cats (and I mean that in more ways than one), and ShadowClan - the asshole cats. Wait, what do you mean that sounds exactly like Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, and Slytherin? No, no, no, these are four CAT clans! 

There are a couple of antagonists in the mix, as every great story does. The ShadowClan are pretty obvious bad guys. I mean, with a name like that, they HAVE to be bad news. They are basically trying to get rid of the other clans by being huge pricks. Their leader, Brokenstar, is completely corrupt and bent on destruction and domination (totally not Voldemort). Then we have Tigerclaw, who is part of ThunderClan, and is Bluestar's right-hand cat. But Tigerclaw has been known to dip into the "dark arts," so to speak, but is he really a good cat or a bad cat? It's just so hard to tell (totally not Snape)!

Let me reiterate: this book is not Harry Potter.

I won't give away the thrilling ending, but the story is completely unpredictable the entire way through. Ok, so seriously, it may have been a tad predictable, but I must admit... I was entertained throughout the whole thing, even though I am double or triple the suggested age range. The strange thing is, these cats are actual cats, not personified cats who can do human things, but they have intelligent minds like a human. Imagine if you suddenly swapped brains with your cat and you had all the limitations of a cat. There's one point in the story where a cat makes some medicine, wraps it up in a leave, and ties the leaf up with twigs. How in the F does a cat do that with only a mouth and paws to work with??? Guess that's a mystery that'll have to wait until the movie comes out.

Anyway, there's a whole ton of books in this series, and if you are 8 to 12, I say go for it. If you are around 25 like me... well... just don't make fun of me. I read it mostly as a joke, it's not like I'm going to read the whole series or anything. 

Oh shit, what have I gotten myself into?

Mexican Beverage Review!

I went grocery shopping at my new favorite grocery store, Harp's, and discovered that there are a lot of Mexican/Hispanic items there. That is likely due to the high population of Hispanic people in the area.

I took advantage of this and decided to try some different Mexican drinks I saw around the store, which were strangely all in different places. 

First up is Kern's Strawberry Kiwi Nectar. 

I didn't know this until I researched it a little after deciding to write this review, but Kern's is from California, not Mexico, so this list already fails. Perhaps it was the Spanish translation of "Strawberry Kiwi" that threw me off. Anyway, I will proceed with the review anyway, pretending this is straight from Tijuana. 

The first thing I notice is the little hummingbird at the top left corner. He seems cheery enough, but it got me wondering why they decided to put a hummingbird on their can. Don't hummingbirds basically drink sugar water with food coloring? Well, after tasting the drink, it became clear that this drink is basically just that. It is very sweet and sugary. I probably wouldn't mind it if I were in middle school, but with my more mature tastes, the sweetness makes me say "gross." 

The nectar does indeed have a strawberry kiwi kind of taste, but it is thicker than I expected, with a consistency of pulp free orange juice. Considering I drank this warm, mixed with the instant diabetes I got from the sugar, it was not a very pleasant experience. 

Final Score: C-

Next up is Jumex Guanabana Nectar. 

Guanabana?

My research tells me "it's not 'jew-mex' you racist, it's 'hu-mex.'" On a side note, my research is kind of an asshole. I got this because, well, what the hell is a guanabana??? I looked it up, and the picture on the can does not do this "fruit" justice. This thing is an alien.

Yuck

Extra yuck

The thing that gets me is that sometime, long ago, someone said "I want that in my mouth." The pile of wet, slimy, squishy stuff in the picture above certainly looks appetizing. 

The can says it is 100% nectar, and that it is from concentrate. The back of the can informs me that this product contains 20% juice. Something does not seem right, but going back and looking at the Kern's, I see that THAT is 20% juice as well. I also notice that I picked up two cans of "nectar." Yikes, I have a feeling I am in for another warm, sweet, thick experience, much like the experiences I have while wearing beer goggles. 

The taste is indeed thick, but not nearly as sweet as the Strawberry Kiwi. The best way I can describe it is that it tastes like milky pineapple juice. The nectar is also very light colored so it kind of drives the milky pineapple thing home. This would probably be pretty good in a mixed beverage, which will lead me to the beer goggles, and this whole thing will become a vicious cycle. 

Worth it though.

Final Score: B.2

The last drink I bought is Refresco Goya Coconut Soda.

Hooray, not another nectar! This coconut soda promises to be delicious, but at a price. And that price is $2.15. Yep, I paid over 2 bucks for a Mexican soda I'd never heard of. But heck, I like soda, and I like coconut. And I like Latinas. So there's no way I can go wrong here, right?

Well one good thing about this soda is that it tastes EXACTLY like coconuts. The bad thing about it is it tastes EXACTLY like coconuts. Raw coconuts, like if you buy one from the store and drink its blood. It is, however, my favorite drink of the bunch, probably because it's not another damn nectar. That Kern's hummingbird wouldn't come near this shit. 

Final Score: B+

Looks like we didn't have any solid winners this time, but what can you expect from random Mexican drinks? From a $2.15 drink? A lot, that's what. But you probably won't get it, and that's okay. It's the journey that counts, not the destination. I'm not sure if that quote fits, but that's what I'm going with.

Fried Egg Chili Chutney Sandwich, Smeg Head!

I have recently become addicted to the (quite old) show Red Dwarf. It is a British comedy which aired from 1988 to 1999, but thanks to Netflix Instant Streaming I have the whole series at my fingertips. I'm pretty late to the party, but considering I was 2 when the show aired (on BBC), I am perfectly content watching them when I'm 25 in 2011.

From Left: The Cat, Lister, Rimmer, and Kryten

For those of you who don't know what this show is about, let me provide a summary. The show is set in the future and takes place on a spaceship called Red Dwarf. The main characters (and almost ONLY characters) are shown above. The main main character, Lister, is a cut-up who is always causing problems and likes to do things his own way. He gets in trouble a lot, but is quite likable. The other main character is Lister's superior, Rimmer, and is more of a straight-laced type who is unpopular because he is so by-the-books. They are basically opposites.

Lister gets cryogenically frozen for 3 million years and when he wakes up he is the only person alive! The only company he has is Holly, the ships computer, a holograph of Rimmer, and The Cat, who evolved from Lister's pregnant cat over the past 3 million years. The Cat is pretty awesome. He acts just like a cat.

I actually wrote about 3 more paragraphs summarizing the show, but realized that no one probably cares. You should just watch the show, it is very entertaining.

In one episode, Lister and Rimmer get drunk and Lister discusses eating a fried egg, chili, chutney sandwich. Lister says it is the best cure for a hangover:

Rimmer describes the sandwich as feeling like he's having a baby. He also says that it is a mix between food and bowel surgery. They are producing a lot of hype for this sandwich! After watching a few more seasons of the show I was STILL thinking about this sandwich. I decided I had to have one, so I hopped on over to Google and found a promising looking recipe. 

I went to the store and got the supplies, including chili sauce and mango chutney. Chutney is an interesting ingredient. Price Cutter only had one kind, so I picked it up not really knowing what to expect with it. 

Genuine Major Grey's Chutney. It's made with mangoes, it can't be that bad

I followed the recipe and made my sandwich! I only used 3 pieces of bread and 2 eggs though, as I thought that would fill me up plenty. Plus that's the way it looked in the show.

So far, so good

First layer: complete

Not much different than the previous picture

Masterpiece!

I completed the fried egg, chili, chutney sandwich! A work of art! I was, however a little apprehensive. Was I going to feel like I was having a baby? How was the chutney going to taste? Will I finish it? I gathered my courage and took some bites. 

Some bites

Not bad! The only complaint I have is that I didn't get that "bowel surgery" feeling. Maybe I made it wrong. Actually, I did. I cooked the eggs waaay too long. Next time, I will make sure they are still runny. Also, that mango chutney is really sweet, and I don't really like sweet things. I'll have to go lighter on the chutney next time. Also, some hot sauce wouldn't hurt. All in all, not an unpleasant experience, AND I got to live out a part of my beloved show, Red Dwarf. My evening is complete. Well, not completely complete. I completely failed to complete my sandwich. It was too much for me.

R.I.P.

Admittedly, those remains look like a used tampon. It tasted better than I imagine a used tampon to taste though. So with that in mind, go and make yourself a fried egg, chili, chutney sandwich!