Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Book Review - Inside UFO 54-40

Remember those Choose Your Own Adventure books where after every page it gave you a choice of what you wanted to do in the story? I remember I tried one once and ended up getting killed, so I got pissed and never tried again. Well folks, today is redemption day, because I just picked up Inside UFO 54-40, a Choose Your Own Adventure book from 1984!

This is the cover. I haven't read the book yet, so I'm going to make a prediction of my outcome in this journey inside UFO 54-40:

See that giant, white probe-like object hurtling through space? Yeah, I'm definitely going to get probed by that thing. Either that, or that Asian girl is really an alien and she's going to probe me with that mini Easter Island statue she's holding, while its father (the bigger Easter Island statue) watches, pervertedly. Also, I am going to try to choose my adventure carefully so that I can get it on with that vagina-lip-bodied spider thing. She's kinda hot. Oh, and see those fluffy ball things floating around the top of the picture? After I bang the spider she's going to roll me up in one of those cocoons so that our love-babies can feast on me when they hatch. That's just my prediction, though. In a day, or however long it takes me to get probed (because really, what else is going to happen on a UFO?), I'm going to report back and review my adventure..............................

*Awesome montage of me reading a children's book*

.................... So I read it. It took a few hours, because I literally went through EVERY ending. The book had WAY less sexy-time than I had predicted. Okay, let me summarize the situation. I was on an airplane when I saw a giant dildo flying through the sky, when suddenly I was transported onto it.

They provide a handy map of the dildo - the airplane is shown for size comparison

The aliens flying the UFO are trying to get to a paradise planet called Ultima, which they have been trying to find for thousands of years. There is another place called Somo where they make you "sleep for a billion years" if you are bad. There are 4 kinds of endings: bad, good, really bad, and really good. Here's how they go: 

Bad: I end up either trapped on the ship for all eternity or die. It is all eternity because on the ship I never age, so really being stuck on the ship is akin to granting me immortality. Not all that bad. But the endings where I die aren't great. 

Good: I get to go back to Earth. Sometimes I forget the whole situation happened, sometimes I learn a lot and get to inform all the Earthlings of my experience. 

Really bad: This ending is available only once, but you get sent to Somo to sleep for a billion years. I don't know about you, but that sounds very relaxing. I'm considering Somo as my next vacation spot after I save up a billion years' worth of PTO. 

Really good: This ending is bullshit because it isn't even really an ending. You literally have to cheat to get this ending. But you go to Ultima and everyone loves you and you can transport to and from Earth whenever you want, blah blah blah. 

My first adventure on the UFO lasted exactly 6 pages before the aliens kicked me off their ship and erased my memory. I don't know if that means I made the right or wrong choices. From then on I kept hearing about how awesome Ultima was, so I had to try every possible scenario until I finally found it. In one ending, I got captured by Russians. I shit you not. In another, I make friends with a furry alien and then try to sell him to the media for $10,000. In my favorite ending, I wake up to a new plateau of wakefulness to find myself reading a Choose Your Own Adventure Book - implying that it was actually me on the UFO. Awesome. 

But alas, there was no Ultima to be found. After I was sure I had exhausted every scenario, I just started going through page by page looking for what I had missed until I found a page I hadn't seen. It said "You did not make a choice, or follow any directions..." and then a bunch of other stuff. I had found Ultima! By cheating!

Looks pretty ritzy. Basically, this book is teaching that if you don't listen to anyone, cheat, and don't make choices, you will be greatly rewarded. Oh well, I did meet some good friends. The sexy spider on the cover, Qally, for instance. I didn't get to impregnate her, though, unfortunately. I also met this:

The way she strokes that rod and the perfect height of her several mouths... Ooh la la. Just look at my face!

Anyway, Final Grade: C+


  1. HAHA oh man I used to read "Choose Your Own Adventure" all the time! =) Those books were the best.

    And that one picture definitely looks like a giant flying dildo. Yikes.

  2. i swear, that happened to me EVERY TIME i tried to read a "choose your own adventure" book! it's they they pick out the most sensible answer and decide to crush your dreams by killing you off if you pick them. i'm all about flipping through it until i see the money-shot "all is well with the world" page!

  3. Personally, I feel that spending all of eternity on a giant flying dildo would be much worse than sleeping for a billion years. At least after the billion years you could wake up and see how awesome (or terrible) Earth has become after that.

    This book teaches kids a great lesson: cheaters always win.

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  5. I've never read on of these kinds of books, but I would probably flip through the entire thing before trying to "make my own adventure" Cause I'm a cheater like that lol

  6. Boy you really got this one wrong. That dildo looking thing in the cover is not a space ship but a gigantic cigarette, see the filter on the left end. Those fluffy ball things are cigarette burns. This book is just a sibliminal message to kids that smoking is GREAT. The rest of the book is just BS.

  7. The "unfindable Ultima puzzle" cave me nightmares when I was a kid!!! May be the guy was just trying to say, "Ultima doesn't exist. Stop looking for it and wishing for some magical landscape, kid. Life isn't easy and you don't get to stumble on Utopia just like that."

    1. Hmm you might be right! I didn't think about it that deeply - I figured the writer was just trying to get more mileage out of his book by making Ultima impossible to find. Although the message could also be that cheating gets it faster, haha.