Friday, March 30, 2012

Jennifer Lawrence and Other Love Interests

The Hunger Games movie just came out and I think I have a crush on Jennifer Lawrence. We've all had our celebrity crushes, as irrational and unlikely as they may be. I'm not talking about times where you say, "I swear it, Selena Gomez wrote Love You Like a Love Song about ME!" or, "Oh, Steve Buscemi is so hot, I love him." No, I'm talking about actual crushes where, for whatever reason, you actually like someone. Someone very special. Today, I will go through my unabridged list of crushes through the years and then use an advanced scientific love calculator to find my one true love.

1. Princess Jasmine

That's not the tiger purring; it's me

Princess Jasmine was my first-ever crush. She was just plain hot. Although Aladdin came out in 1992 when I was 6, it wasn't until a couple years later when I had the VHS copy that I fell in love with her. I guess my prepubescent 6 year old self couldn't cope with the sultry princess. I clearly remember watching Aladdin with a friend - we would pause the tape and go up to the TV screen and "kiss" her. It was pure romance! That jerk Aladdin would always come on screen and cockblock me though. At least the genie was on my side. But how does the Love Calculator think this cartoon princess and I would match up?

Hey, not bad! And everyone knows that 69 is the number of love... which gives a very strange mental image considering I was like 8 years old when I was crushing on her.

Then I got really into horror movies.

2. Nancy Thompson

Those killer curly bangs really did it for me

The actress' real name is Heather Langenkamp, but I was only into the Nancy character from Nightmare on Elm Street. She must have had that girl-next-door vibe about her. When her boyfriend in the movie, Johnny Depp, died I figured she was all mine. I didn't consider that she would probably have a bunch of baggage considering her bf just got eaten and puked back up by his bed. I guess I wasn't the only one who wanted to be her new boyfriend, though, as is evidenced by this awesome gif:

Freddy turned into Nancy's phone and said, "I'm your boyfriend now, Nancy!" and licked her. Pure art. I definitely still love these movies! <3 Let's see how compatible Nancy and I are:

Wow, that's a solid B! I'd imagine our conversations over dinner would be a little one-sided though - she is constantly tormented by a guy who tries to kill her in her dreams, and I... like thrift stores and drive a Ford Focus.

3. Angie Everhart

I obviously didn't mind the age difference

Ms. Everhart was in a quaint little film called Tales from the Crypt: Bordello of Blood in which she was the queen vampire who ran an entire whorehouse full of other well-endowed vampire hookers. I think it was nominated for an Oscar.

"Uhh... can we skip the foreplay tonight, honey?"

The movie came out in 1996 when I was but a wee 10 year old lad, so I don't know what I found so appealing about her. Probably that she was in a vampire whore movie and had boobs. Let's see how she and I match up:

Hmm. Well, I guess it was never meant to be. She IS 17 years older than me, about twice my age when I fell in one-side love with her. Oh well.

4. Neve Campbell

Everyone seemed to love Neve Campbell in the '90s, and I was no exception. I first fell in love when I saw her in the movies Scream and The Craft, both of which, incidentally, also came out in 1996 with Bordello of Blood. This leads me to two conclusions about myself: 1) I really like horror movie girls, and 2) 1996 was a very confusing year for me. Nevertheless, I was pretty into her. I even printed out a picture of her and taped it to my school Trapper Keeper; it was her in a bathtub with milk running down her and the caption said, "Got Neve?" It was pretty lame. I wanted to share the picture but I can't seem to find it. Apparently, after 1996 the Internet deemed the picture to be too stupid. Well, how does the faithful Love Calculator find the two of us?

Ouch. That's a kick right to the heart. And here I was thinking that she could be the one. The Love Calculator even gave "Sidney" and "Billy and Stuart" (her character in scream and her would-be killers) a 35%. If they had a 35% and they were trying to kill her, imagine what I would try to do to her! 

From there on, my celebrity crushes dried up a bit. Maybe because I started getting actual girlfriends. There were a few more, like Jessica Alba, but everyone was in love with her. I think she was my main celebrity crush throughout high school, but she's too obvious so I'll just skip right to the most recent girls.

4. Jillian Mayer

If any of you have ever questioned my level of weirdness, just keep reading. It's a bit of a stretch to include her on the celebrity crushes list, but here she is anyway, for the sake of comedy. Jillian and I only had about a week-long fling, but I was pretty into her during that week. Little was known about her at the time other than that she produced this amazing video:

There was a lot I liked about her: she was pretty cute and normal looking... on the surface. Then she gets in all sorts of insane costumes (which I have been known to do) and writes an insane song with super awesome electronic voice effects (which I have also been known to do). Not to mention, she had the cojones to put this video on YouTube! I saw the video when it had less than 1000 views so I felt that we bonded.

Then once the video got popular it turned out she was super pretentious about herself. Well, let's see how this odd duck and I would fare romantically!

Looks like we have about a 50/50 chance. Coincidentally, that's about the same as the divorce rate in the United States, so going with her would be a pretty risky maneuver. 

5. Emma Stone

Freckles? I'm for 'em

I first saw Emma Stone in a show with Louis C.K. Called Lucky Louie in 2006. She was a kind of a bitch in that show, and she had a very small part, but in sparked something inside me. Later, she was in Superbad,  which made the spark grow hotter. I understand why Jonah Hill wanted to draw so many penis pictures for her. Then, Zombieland finally set it in stone; I loved this girl. Some may say she has a weird voice and too many freckles, but she doesn't. She's perfect. I think Easy A is my favorite role she's been in, especially in this defining scene. Upon re-reading this paragraph, I may not be totally over this one... Well, let's see how she and I would match up!

It appears that even Princess Jasmine and I have a better chance of making it work. But hey 65% is a D, and that's still a passing grade, right?

6. Jennifer Lawrence

You won't Rue being with me (see what I did there?)

And this brings us up to speed! I first saw Jennifer Lawrence in a (great) movie called Winter's Bone, but she wasn't supposed to be super attractive in that one. In fact, she was really poor and lived in the methiest part of the Ozarks.

Eh, I'd still be down

Then, I found out she was going to star in the movie adaptation of one of my recent favorite books, The Hunger Games! The movie was good, and I didn't even realize I had a crush until I found myself browsing Google Images of her and watching interviews. In fact, the interviews are what really solidified it; she is very funny and witty, unlike the hardness of most of her characters, and she's super cute to boot. That being said, I am pretty excited to find out what the Love Calculator has in store for me and Jennifer Lawrence so we can finally start our life together.

Oh man... rejection hurts! :( Well, Jennifer, if you're reading this you know that these love calculators are a bunch of crap, right? Right??

Well it looks like Nancy Thompson from Nightmare on Elm Street is my number 1 love match by a long shot! In a strange turn of events, Princess Jasmine is my number 2, at 69%. ...And since neither of those two girls are real, I'm going to cheat and default to my number 3 match, Emma Stone! Woo hoo! We may not last long, but it'll be good while it lasts! :)


There is one celebrity that I can't stand. Well, I don't like the characters she plays, anyway, so let's go over my anti-crush.

-1. Michelle Rodriguez

I totally didn't just use MS Paint to give her a mustache and dead tooth...

Michelle Rodriguez always plays the "badass chick" in movies and TV shows. Incidentally, she usually dies in these shows. Such shows are a bittersweet experience for me. She's probably okay in real life, but man... I can't stand her in movies. As you can tell by all my crushes, I usually go for more of the girl-next-door, nice girl thing, and Ms. Rodriguez is the opposite of that. Well... Let's put her through the Love Calculator and see what happens:

I SWEAR TO GOD I did not fake that score! Haha! What a satisfying way to end this post. I imagine the calculator gives everyone a 1% with Michelle Rodriguez, though.

So, there you have it, folks. My main love interests throughout my life. Who have you had an irrational celebrity crush on? And what are Dr. Love's calculations for you two love birds?

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Craigslist Fail

It's my 100th post! And to celebrate, I think I'll do a hodge-podge picture post (alliteration!), along with a horrible experience with a Craigslist purchase. 

First off, I had a pretty dang fun St. Patrick's day, as is evidenced by this picture:

Glow in the dark shutter shades. Aw yeah. I can never make fun of girls for doing the "duck face" ever again after seeing this picture.

To further prove that I'm a nerd, I built a new computer! And I love it and want to marry it. It has a solid state hard drive and super-fast everything. It boots up in like ten seconds and video games experience almost zero load times. AND it kind of looks like a Storm Trooper!

Gorgeous, right?

I also got a super nice new camera for my Woody's Vintage project (that is moving along, although I've hit some speed bumps). For some reason, though, I've mostly just taken pictures of my friends' dog, Dexter.

You have to start somewhere, though, and Dexter likes the exposure.

That brings me to my horrible Craigslist experience! I have had trouble selling things in the past; I've had people show up only to offer me about half the money we agreed on, people who want to meet in shady areas, and people who promise to meet me somewhere and then just not show up. This is the first time, however, that I've had trouble with the received product. 

I'm (very slowly) settling in to my new duplex in Kansas after my move from Arkansas and I decided I'd play it cheap and buy my washer and dryer from Craigslist. After all, I just bought a new computer and camera. I found a set from a really nice neighborhood for really cheap, so I figured it was just some rich people trying to get someone to haul off their old machines, which actually happens fairly often on Craigslist. The lady on the phone said that everything worked great and that she was underselling it and that it was a very good deal. Jackpot!

Well, I hooked up the washer and dryer. When I washed a load I noticed that the washer was depositing sludgy, black, slug-like flakes all over my clothes. I figured I just stirred up some debris during the move and tried again. More grime! This time, I smelled it, and boy - I was not okay with it. I decided I'd try running the machine empty with some vinegar several times based one some things I read online, but it was no good; the slime was too thick. 

I really didn't want to have to haul this thing out and haul a new one in, and I knew that even if I had the seller's phone number she wouldn't refund it and pick it up, so I figured I'd take the machine apart and clean it myself. It couldn't be that bad, right? I went to the store and got some rubber gloves, lots of paper towels, and some bleach spray, among other chemicals. Then I took the washer apart. It looked pretty gross, even after like 6 vinegar baths, but not SUPER bad.

I didn't know what that cream-colored stuff around that ring was, but I scrubbed it all away. It was caked on pretty good. Then I noticed that you could easily remove that ring, so I did... and that's when I started to realize I was in over my head.

Black, awful, rotten filth lined the machine. All of that should have been white. But I was too stubborn to simply say "screw it" and buy a new machine. No, I had to finish what I started. I washed, scrubbed, and sprayed for hours, running my paper towels low and my trash bags high. This ring was removable... I decided to give it a bath.

Bad idea. Before draining the water I thought I'd strain it with a colander, kind of like how you'd get leaves out of a pool (which obviously ruined my colander), but the drain still clogged. I probably should have seen that coming, but at the time I was no longer upset at my bad purchase, but pretty carefree and jovial. That's when I looked around and realized I was using about 5 different chemicals in an unventilated room and that I had been huffing fumes all night, so I guess bad decisions were bound to happen.

Next up was the main tank, which was definitely the worst part. It was stinky and the grime was about 1/4 inch thick (or 6.4mm, for my non-US readers).

But eventually... the job was done. I'd said my final curse words and dirtied my last paper towel. I put down my rubber gloves and beheld a job well done.

It's certainly not perfect, but it is approximately infinitely cleaner than it originally was. I'm not sure why I was such a cheapskate and cleaned it instead of replacing it, but the optimist in me says that now I know exactly how clean my washer is, and I have gained the knowledge to disassemble and reassemble a washing machine.

But the pessimist in me says that the seller of this machine will be receiving eggs on her house.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Anyone for Some Tea?

Recently, a friend informed me of an Asian market that she thought I would enjoy. Given my reputation for strange and off-color shopping, she suspected that the bizarre selection of goods at said market would pique my interest, so we decided to check it out. It was, indeed, a unique experience.

You know that feeling you get when you open the door on a very hot summer day and the heat just kind of avalanches over you in an overwhelming heat wave? Imagine that, but replace "very hot summer day" with "Kansas City Asian market," and "heat" with "rotten, fishy smell." It was a molasses-thick stench. After a few minutes of adjusting to our new, smelly atmosphere, we looked around and found some pretty interesting things. Perhaps most noteworthy was the strange selection of teas they were offering.

I will discuss my favorite teas of the bunch.

Manhood: "Male elixir, immunity support, and energy" - This tea - ahem, elixir - imbues the lucky drinker with the power of a boy celebrating his Bar Mitzvah; once you have consumed this tea, you are officially a man. That's because it's made with dehydrated goat testes.

Stamina: "Help relax and replenish energy" - This is the tea that Dovahkiin drinks when using two-handed weapons in Skyrim. He also drinks it when he sprints too much. Sorry for that nerdy reference.

Kidney Fortifier: "Diuretic, strengthen the kidney" - Drink this right before binge drinking in order to take your kidneys from drab to fab. It is labeled as a diuretic though, so "breaking the seal" will be even more of an issue than normal. With such superstar kidneys, you won't have to worry about peeing blood next time you get hit in the kidneys, either. 

Horny Goat Weed - Did you try the Manhood tea and think that it didn't have quite enough dehydrated goat testes? Well Horny Goat Weed has you covered! They must have misspelled the title though, because I believe this should be called "Horny Goat SEED." Ya know, like sperm. The lower left corner of the box proudly advertises its "20 tea bags," and if you know what "tea bagging" is then you'll realize what a great deal getting teabagged 20 times by a horny goat really is!

President's Super Energy: "Immunity support, vitality, and brain power" - Whether you're president of the United States, your company, or even your local Biebz fan club, President's Super Energy is sure to give you the brain power you need to lead a country, run a company, or be jealous of Selena Gomez, respectively.

Reishi Liver Guard: "Herb of immortality, detoxify the liver & tonify the lung" - This is the only tea you need to drink! It offers IMMORTALITY! It says so right on the box! It also "tonifies the lung" I looked up "tonify" on and it means "to make fashionable," so if you're in need of some immortality and stylish lungs, this is the tea for you. I'm assuming that this tea can offer all that because those mushrooms on the box are a little bit "magic," if you catch my drift.

Female Joy: "Female response & sensitivity" - Ladies, are you not quite sensitive enough? Does your boyfriend say things like, "Gee, I love you and all, Margaret, but I wish you were more emotional!" Well this tea has you covered!

Mammary and Uterus Care: "For healthy breasts and uteruses" - I drink this tea every day at work to keep my uterus up to par. 

Lung Pacifier: "Cough, antitussive, antispasmodic, expectorant, anti-prutic, congestion" - The lungs are one organ that I can say just get tooooo wild. Calm those lungs down with this tea. When used in conjunction with the Reishi Liver Guard, you can have fashionable AND pacified lungs with Lung Pacifier! 

Midlife Rejuvenatin: "Deter aging, help cope with mid-life changes" - If the immortality tea is a bit too permanent for you, try Midlife Rejuvenation to help you "cope with mid-life changes." The directions say to use vodka instead of water in this tea. It really makes coping with your oldness much easier.

TV/ComputerMate: "anti-radiation, antihypoxia, memory, blood nurturing" - Citizens of Chernobyl, worry no more! TV/ComputerMate tea will fight off that silly radiation! It also claims to be "antihypoxic." Hypoxia is a deficiency in oxygen to your cells and tissues. If you are in a hypoxic state from sitting in front of the TV or computer too long, I'd say you should be taking more drastic measures than drinking a cup of tea. It is also "blood nurturing," leaving me to believe that this tea is also suitable for vampires. 

Booze Remedy: "Hangovers, liver protection, detoxifying, booze fix" - This tea claims to be a "booze fix," making it the perfect tea for alcoholics! I don't know whether it will cure your alcoholism or just make the booze taste better, but it sounds like a win either way. Since I'm writing this the day after St. Patrick's day, I could sure use some Booze Remedy right now.

Which tea would you like to drink?


We got some Grass Jelly Drink for curiosity's sake and decided to try it out. Boy were we surprised when we took a drink! 

See those black jelly cubes pictured on the can? That's literally what you're getting with this drink. Black liquid filled will cubes of solid jelly. As for taste, it was pretty... grassy. Grass Jelly Drink gets kudos for being so up-front in its labeling.