Asian Market Food - Grasshoppers, Turnips, and Nazi Noodles!

First off, don't forget to sign up for Thrift Store Pen Pals by Thursday night! :)

The other day I visited Kansas to see some friends and thought I would look around for some blog material. I decided to visit the international market, 888 Market, and I was not disappointed. There was virtually infinite things to look and laugh at! This place is awesome.

I got way more than I bargained for; I expected to maybe find a few odd foods and review them here, but what I got... was a bit shocking, even for me. I got a lot of stuff, so I'm splitting this one into two posts - today I will review the land lubbers (plants and animals found on land) and next will be the seafarers.

First up is some Nazi Ramen Noodles!

I can't read much on this package, but the Nazi symbol on the left intrigued me. This one is "vegetarian" flavor, so considering this is coming from the Nazis, I'm pretty sure I'm about to eat a vegetarian. A human vegetarian. So I'm going to assume that all that fancy writing says "Soylent Ramen."

When I was making it, it came with a sauce pouch that I had to mix in with the noodles. The sauce looked like mud or grime you'd find in a storm water drain in Tokyo, but I braved it and mixed it into the noodles. This is what it ended up looking like:

No surprises there. Let's see how they score on a scale of 1 to 10.

Smell: Kind of like stale noodles, or in other words, like Ramen noodles.

Texture: Noodly.

Taste: Something is a little off about this... I can't quite put my finger on it. Probably the grime sauce. It tastes a bit fishy, so maybe the vegetarian broke his diet and ate fish before he was harvested. Sort of tastes the way a lake smells. I ate the whole thing though.

Final Score: 7/10 

Next we have some turnip stuff: 

I'm not really sure what this stuff is because I can't read those symbols, but the description on the back of the package is what sold me:

Electing the grass pocket radish of high mountain, blown by the wind of the farmhouse eaves, and put into a tile jar to ferment, it has strong delicious taste, and is very refreshing and crisp.

I've never wanted to eat turnips more in my life! They also included an "eating method" which is simply "Just eat it after opening the bag." So the packaging is cool looking, the description is epic, let's see its true colors.

Hmm... it looks like a human liver. Well, let's get right into the review.

Smell: Pretty overwhelming. Slightly sweet, kind of like Chinese food, but very strong. Not super pleasant. And after I threw it away it stunk up my kitchen :(

Texture: Strangely crunchy and tough.

Taste: Pretty spicy and VERY salty. It kind of attacks your taste buds. I can't really detect the wind of the farmhouse eaves, but on the front of the package it states that it has a long aftertaste - that much is certainly true. I didn't finish this stuff, but I didn't ENTIRELY hate it.

Final Score: 4.5/10 

Next up is some quail eggs! 

These guys were cute and small and I just couldn't resist. Apparently, in some countries quail eggs are considered a delicacy. I decided to unceremoniously fry and scramble them.

Actually, my sister did the frying. I did the scrambling.

That's an entire set of 10 eggs! Look how cute! How could you not love them? How did they fare in the review? Let's find out.

Smell: A lot like chicken eggs.

Texture: Pretty crunchy, but that's only because the quail egg shells are really brittle so there were a bunch of shell bits in there.

Taste: A little more "fatty" tasting than chicken eggs. Maybe more yolky. I don't really know how to describe it, but if no one told me it was quail eggs instead of chicken, I doubt I'd notice a difference.

Final Score: 8/10 

Finally, we have the grossest item of the night, Fried Grasshoppers with Salt:

For things you find in your yard and in plagues, these were pretty expensive at about $6. However, I could not pass up a chance like this, so I ate some grasshoppers - for you, Dear Reader. Actually, I talked a surprising number of my friends into trying them with me. 

Would you eat one?

These guys are pretty enormous. I actually tried these twice, with two different sets of friends. I got some videos, too, but none of them are very blog-worthy. However, I will show some highlights after the review!

Smell: If you've ever owned lizards or anything that eat crickets... that's kind of what these smelled like. If you want to recreate the smell, lift up a rock outside and smell underneath it.

Texture: extremely crunchy on the outside, gooey in the middle. Kind of hard to chew them up sufficiently before swallowing.

Taste: A lot like dirt and earth. It was like eating twigs from the yard. The worst part of them was the idea that you were eating a grasshopper.

Final Score: 2/10

It got such a high score because the crunchiness at the beginning was kind of good.

I'm not posting the videos, but here are some snapshots. The videos basically consist of a big *crunch* followed by disgusted faces. 

This is immediately after putting them in our mouths. Right here you can hear my friend say, "Arggughg uggrrrg, huh uh." And then proceeded to do this: 

He threw up :(

I managed to keep them down, though :)

Our second panel of taste-testers.

The results were pretty similar. But this time no one threw up! Good times. You should all try eating grasshoppers and let me know how it is! Next time I have jellyfish and canned squid... So stay tuned!

Vienna Sausage Madness and Vampire Bat Faces!

Given the popularity of my last Vienna sausage post, I decided to delve a little further into sausage-dom. Despite the fact that a fellow blog-friend, Nhya, thinks that I hate Vienna sausages, I actually almost enjoy them. So tonight I have decided to buy every different kind of Vienna sausage I could find and review them all. After visiting two different stores, here is my stash:

Be jealous

I will be using original flavor Vienna sausages as my baseline specimen and comparing all other sausages to that. So here is the lineup.

You can almost see the nerves on them as they prepare to be critically judged, but just look at their determination.

As I tried each sausage, I wrote down my thoughts on a notepad. I will transcribe my notes below. Who will stand up to the test? Who will prevail? Who will fail miserably? Let's find out.

Libby's Original Vienna Sausage:
Notes: Soft, mushy, slightly salty. Quite tasty.
Grade: 5 (this is the control sausage, so it will be right in the middle at a a score of 5 out of 10)

Libby's Zesty BBQ Vienna Sausage:
Notes: Not zesty. Tougher texture. Tastes like old SpaghettiOs. Barely any BBQ taste. Cats might like it?
Grade: 3.5

Prairie Belt Smoked Sausage:
Notes: Same texture as BBQ. Tastes like lumber - Prairie Belt actually tastes like the little house on the prairie. I could only ever eat one.
Grade: 2.5

Armour Chicken Vienna Sausage:
Notes: Tastes a lot like Libby's Original! Firm texture. A bit saltier... too salty. Tastes like hot dog concentrate.
Grade: 4

Armour Jalapeno Vienna Sausage:
Notes: Surprisingly spicy. A cat wouldn't even eat this. Tastes like fennel seeds.
Grade: 2

Armour Smoked Vienna Sausage:
Notes: Tastes like a grilled hot dog. A bit much though. Tastes like straight Liquid Smoke.
Grade: 3

As you can see, the original Vienna sausages win! I was a little surprised by this outcome. I was almost sure the smoked Armour sausages would win, hands down. This is like playing Mario Kart and winning the game with Mario. I guess this goes to show how a little heart and determination can bring out the best in everyone. It's a classic tale brought to life with these little sausages.

I was going to curve the scores to even things out, but on second thought... 5/10 seems about right as far as ideal Vienna sausage taste goes. After eating six little sausages my belly doesn't want any more. But only for you, Dear Reader, I will go against my body's will and make some food out of all these opened cans of sausages I have lying around now.

I looked up some Vienna sausage recipes because I didn't want to just throw away six barely-eaten cans of perfectly good cat food Vienna sausages, and I found one that looked interesting, vampire bat faces. The recipe has no pictures and is pretty confusing. Google provided no pictures either, so I was left to interpret the recipe on my own, so this is kind of an adventure. They are supposed to look like the faces of vampire bats, so I went in expecting this. Let's see how I do. Here are the ingredients:

Vienna sausages with ketchup, mayonnaise, relish, mustard, and cheese. On crescent rolls. With that delicious mix of ingredients how could the vampire bat faces be anything but delectable? /sarcasm. I decided to put one of every flavor of sausage in my mix. I mashed up all the ingredients and spooned the mixture onto the crescent rolls.

I then folded them in half, sealed them up, and placed sausage eyes on each bat.

I then cooked them for a while. When they were done I put on the finishing touches, which was the nose and mouth.

It's pretty tough to be very accurate with ketchup paint on a crescent roll canvas, but I made due. Again, the recipe was very vague about how to make these, and there were no pictures, but this is what I came up with. I kind of like these guys. But as I have learned from various cow-farm movies, I shouldn't name these guys and make them pets if I plan on eating them with a healthy conscience. 

So I ate the nameless creatures. I certainly wasn't expecting much considering what they're made of. I have to say though, these bat faces are actually pretty tasty! If you even somewhat like Vienna sausages, or if you hate your family, I'd recommend these little guys. They are a pretty decent snack, I'd say.

Final Taste Grade: 8.5/10

Final Looking-Like-a-Bat Grade: 1/10

Avocado Tuna Salad Sandwich and ¡Sponch!

Last month I tried a Vienna sausage sandwich thanks to my seeing a coworker eating one for lunch. It was not good. Today I'm trying an avocado tuna salad sandwich based on another coworker's non-recommendation. She actually said it was awful, but being the kind of guy that I am, I knew I had to try it.

I like avocados and I like tuna, so this one seemed obvious. The fact that my coworker appeared nauseated just talking about the tuna salad didn't dissuade me in the least. I emailed her this recipe and she confirmed that this was, indeed, the exact recipe she'd used, so here goes.

Here is my inventory of goods:

The recipe had me dice the carrots, onions, and celery so I did. Then I prepared everything else, like this:

Pretty colors!

That's an F load of onions. I threw half of them away. I then mixed everything together, following the recipe. Here is the finished product:

Looks pretty true to the picture on the recipe. With such a strange combination of flavors I didn't really know what to expect, but I knew it wasn't going to taste like any tuna salad I'd ever had. My standard tuna salad consists of just tuna and Miracle Whip. I put the salad on a sandwich:

*here is where there SHOULD be a picture of my avocado tuna salad sandwich but my A-hole phone didn't save the pic*

I took a bite of the sandwich, expecting the worst. The result...? It was okay. kind of an anticlimactic ending after all that effort; I was hoping for it to either be truly terrible or delightfully delicious. It was neither. At least the pictures are nice and colorful. I think next time I would grate the carrots, forget the onions, and use less celery. 

Final Grade: C

Since that was so... average, I've decided to also review a Mexican snack I found, ¡Sponch!

The box claims that this oddly-named treat is a "Marshmallow cookie with artificially flavored strawberry topping and Coconut." Being the trier-of-all-things, I bought a box. I've heard tales of Mexican snacks and candy tasting really stale, so I wasn't expecting a lot. 

I did some research on ol' ¡Sponch! because I was curious about what "sponch" meant. I found a few different definitions:

• Urban Dictionary: a verb meaning to nerd-out in public about nerdy topics.
• Acronym Finder: an acronym meaning Sulfur, Phosphorus, Oxygen, Nitrogen, Carbon, Hydrogen, which are the key elements of life. 
• Urban Dictionary: another term for whiskey dick.

So basically, I'm either about to eat something very nerdy, something that's alive, or some flaccid penis. I'm slightly nervous...

This is what they look like in person:

Not too bad looking , although they kinda skimped on the strawberry topping. I ate a few and... they're not too bad! Stale, like I expected, but the staleness kind of goes with the flavors and textures. They aren't very sugary, which is good for me because I'm not super into sweets. I think I can confidently recommend ¡Sponch!

Final Grade: B+

Vienna Sausage and Green Olive Sandwich!

A coworker had a "Vienna sausage sandwich" for lunch the other day, which I had never heard of. I wasn't so much grossed out by the thought, but more confused because I had never heard of a Vienna sausage sandwich before. She said she just cut the sausages in half and put them on bread with some mayonnaise. I was curious.

I did some Google research and found a single picture of a Vienna sausage sandwich, but it had some green olives on it, so I decided I would come home and try a Vienna sausage and green olive sandwich. I based my recipe solely on what my coworker said and that picture I found on Google images.

I got all my supplies. Instead of mayonnaise, I used light Miracle Whip. I used the light version because if you're going to eat fat, you might as well get the low-fat fat. 

Here is the can of Vienna sausages. They are kind of bunched together and soaking in some kind of juice. 

So I decided to drain them. They remained stuck together. It kind of reminded me of dumping sand from a bucket, or emptying dog food from a can.

I then sliced all the little sausages in half, as I was advised to do by my coworker. 

I put the Miracle Whip on the sandwich. For some reason, any time I have to spread anything onto bread like mayonnaise or peanut butter, I have to spread it all the way to the edges of the bread for a complete spread. Must be the OCD in me.

I laid the half sausages onto their final resting places but had 4 halves left (or two sausages)!

Next up was the placing of the olives. It looks kind of pretty at this point.

The final product: a Vienna sausage and green olive sandwich! This sandwich is probably really unhealthy. I used ten olives, whereas a serving size of these olives is five. I also used seven sausages, which have a serving size of three. Anyway...

I ate it all. It wasn't very good, but halfway through the salty mess I became determined to finish what I'd started. I guess it wasn't TERRIBLE but I can't recommend it to anyone, and anyone thinking of eating this sandwich should probably use less olives. 

Actually, just don't try it. 

After I ate the sandwich I went to the website where I found the picture that I mentioned earlier. I should have actually read what the guy said about it, because 1) it was hilarious, and 2) he said he wished he'd never tried it. I can't claim to have that guy's level of distaste for the sandwich, but it wasn't awesome.

Final Grade: D+

Long, Random Post!

It has been some time since I posted a blog, and it's not because I hate you guys (I only strongly dislike). It is because I have been involved in numerous other sources of entertainment so after work I had to carefully allocate my time, and most of that time has been given to Veronica Mars. Yes, the same Veronica Mars that has been cancelled for 4 years and was probably mainly marketed to girls. Don't let that cloud your opinion, that show is intense as shit. Plus... Kristen Bell. Just Sayin'.

I've also been deep into Under the Dome by Stephen King, which I discussed here. I spend about 2 hours a night reading that crazy book, and I can read about 50 pages in those 2 hours. The book is 1074 pages long. So if my math is correct, and after some rounding, this book will take me 43 hours to read. And I'll tell ya, I'm gonna enjoy all 43 of those hours, even though I may absolutely hate some of the characters at the moment.

I figure in this post I'll just kind of fill you in on what's been going on while I've been ignoring my blogging duties. This is going to be very random. First off, there is a dead cat on the side of the road that I guess some car has hit. It's been there for about a week, but tonight when I drove home I noticed some of the nice kids have spray painted it blue. I know it was spray paint because they left the paint can sitting next to it, obviously proud of their work. These kids are our future, people. Actually, I take that back; the only person to make it big from Arkansas is Bill Clinton, and well... Yeah.

I DID however find a great grocery store to shop at! I may have mentioned how my favorite place to shop was Price Cutter, which is in the next town over. So if I wanted to get a few things I'd have to take a 20 minute drive to do so. Or I could just shop at Walmart which is right near me, but who wants to shop there? Not this guy. Then I found a wonderful store, Harps, which is much, much closer to me! I actually think they're owned by the same people, but this store is far superior, in a they're-not-superior kind of way! It reminds me of the small-town store my hometown used to have when I was little, Buy-Rite. Just imagine Arkansas. Like, stereotypical Arkansas. Now imagine going to a grocery store in the place you just imagined. This Harp's is that place! I went there tonight to pick up some supplies for a Taco Lasagna I plan on making, and it called for a green pepper. I go to the green peppers. I got to choose from a selection of 5, and those 5 were really more sea-green peppers. It was awesome. I took some pictures, but they might be kinda blurry cuz I took them kind of quickly. I was getting some looks from the bumpkins, me with my fancy cell-yoo-lurr phone.

The milk coolers had no lights, or if they did they were burnt out

The entire produce department, plus half of the floral

A dining area, but I saw no deli

Beautiful Bentonville. Woulda been better without all the trucks

In fact, there were two moving trucks in the parking lot, from two different companies. I can only assume that Harp's saves money on shipping stock by renting their own trucks. I also love Harp's because my cashier looked like he was straight from prison. I am almost surprised I didn't see a teardrop tattoo on his face, and his breath reeked of booze. I was so excited! Clearly, this is my new grocery store.

So, I will make that taco lasagna sometime this week, and I hope it turns out good, but here is my last attempt at cooking:

Don't judge a meatloaf by it's elephant-man-like cover

It looks awful, but actually tasted pretty good! If you can't tell (and I'm sure you can't) it is meatloaf. And although it ended up tasting okay, I wouldn't eat it while looking/thinking about my dog. 

In other news, I've had a lemon since the day I moved to Arkansas, 3 months ago. I never used it, and it just kind of lounged on my counter. It got all dry and shrively.

It's still good, right?

Instead of doing the normal, mature, I-just-moved-away-and-got-my-first-big-boy-job thing by throwing it away, I decided to dissect it, which proved to be much more fruitful (haha puns). The inside wasn't super exciting, but it DID smell just like Lemonheads candy. Win!

Grab me a Corona!

After the experiment, I went to Macadoodle's. It was a pretty common trip until I was leaving and noticed a Truck in the parking lot with an interesting license plate. At first, the graphic around the plate is what grabbed my attention; it's not everyday you see a dog on a plate. Then I read the vanity plate and had to laugh.

Don't sit on that seat

FAP!? Hahahaha, oh man, that's amazing. I don't even know if it is intentional, but between the FAP license plate and the sticker of Calvin having bodily fluids sprayed in his face by the wind... Well, it's just classic. If you don't know why "fap" is funny, you are probably either too old, or too popular and aren't online as much as I am. Explanation. 

Hmm, what else... I went to a thrift store and saw a lifesize cutout of basketballer, Dr. J.

The picture turned out blurry and his hands and feet are cut off cuz the camera operator is a noob. But the cutout was $20, a steal in most cases, especially considering Mr. Julius Erving played in the 70's and 80's, so this thing had to be old. But his arms were being supported by tape and paint-mixers. He's obviously out of practice if he has to use arm splints just to hold a cardboard basketball. Sheesh. 

So, over the weekend a friend came down and we bought a video game called Amnesia: The Dark Descent. It is a horror/survival game which got pretty good reviews, getting praises such as "scariest game ever," or "I pooped my pants." The usual. Well, I love horror movies and have played every Resident Evil and Silent Hill, along with Dead Space and all those kind of games. I'm pretty used to these kinds of games, and am familiar with most of their scare tactics. Well, Amnesia is different. For one, you don't have any weapons, but there are monsters. And they're fast as shit, too. 

Oh sweet God, get it away!

And the screen goes blurry if you look at the bad guys too long, which makes it even creepier. Your guy is combating insanity in this game, so it makes sense I guess. I have never screamed out loud during a video game until this game, and that was while playing with a friend, but it was okay when he was here. But when he left and I played it by myself. At night. With the lights out? Good Lord. At one point I was at a foggy location with suspenseful music, and so I was wide-eyed and looking at the screen, and I guess I leaned forward because the chair squeaked. Shitballs, man... I about pooped my pants. The review was right. Also, being 25 years old I haven't had a nightmare in years. My brain is smart enough to not worry about house creaks and what not, but not that night. I actually had to get up and watch funny videos online for a while before I could get back to sleep. Yikes.

Ok. You should be about caught up now. I did get some good stuff at the thrift store, but that will have to wait for another day. In the meantime, keep on fappin'.

What's For Dinner?

I started making dinner tonight, not thinking anything of it at the time, but then realized that I definitely just made fish sticks and salad.

And God damn if it wasn't delicious! :)

I can now shave 20 years off my age.

Fried Egg Chili Chutney Sandwich, Smeg Head!

I have recently become addicted to the (quite old) show Red Dwarf. It is a British comedy which aired from 1988 to 1999, but thanks to Netflix Instant Streaming I have the whole series at my fingertips. I'm pretty late to the party, but considering I was 2 when the show aired (on BBC), I am perfectly content watching them when I'm 25 in 2011.

From Left: The Cat, Lister, Rimmer, and Kryten

For those of you who don't know what this show is about, let me provide a summary. The show is set in the future and takes place on a spaceship called Red Dwarf. The main characters (and almost ONLY characters) are shown above. The main main character, Lister, is a cut-up who is always causing problems and likes to do things his own way. He gets in trouble a lot, but is quite likable. The other main character is Lister's superior, Rimmer, and is more of a straight-laced type who is unpopular because he is so by-the-books. They are basically opposites.

Lister gets cryogenically frozen for 3 million years and when he wakes up he is the only person alive! The only company he has is Holly, the ships computer, a holograph of Rimmer, and The Cat, who evolved from Lister's pregnant cat over the past 3 million years. The Cat is pretty awesome. He acts just like a cat.

I actually wrote about 3 more paragraphs summarizing the show, but realized that no one probably cares. You should just watch the show, it is very entertaining.

In one episode, Lister and Rimmer get drunk and Lister discusses eating a fried egg, chili, chutney sandwich. Lister says it is the best cure for a hangover:

Rimmer describes the sandwich as feeling like he's having a baby. He also says that it is a mix between food and bowel surgery. They are producing a lot of hype for this sandwich! After watching a few more seasons of the show I was STILL thinking about this sandwich. I decided I had to have one, so I hopped on over to Google and found a promising looking recipe. 

I went to the store and got the supplies, including chili sauce and mango chutney. Chutney is an interesting ingredient. Price Cutter only had one kind, so I picked it up not really knowing what to expect with it. 

Genuine Major Grey's Chutney. It's made with mangoes, it can't be that bad

I followed the recipe and made my sandwich! I only used 3 pieces of bread and 2 eggs though, as I thought that would fill me up plenty. Plus that's the way it looked in the show.

So far, so good

First layer: complete

Not much different than the previous picture

Masterpiece!

I completed the fried egg, chili, chutney sandwich! A work of art! I was, however a little apprehensive. Was I going to feel like I was having a baby? How was the chutney going to taste? Will I finish it? I gathered my courage and took some bites. 

Some bites

Not bad! The only complaint I have is that I didn't get that "bowel surgery" feeling. Maybe I made it wrong. Actually, I did. I cooked the eggs waaay too long. Next time, I will make sure they are still runny. Also, that mango chutney is really sweet, and I don't really like sweet things. I'll have to go lighter on the chutney next time. Also, some hot sauce wouldn't hurt. All in all, not an unpleasant experience, AND I got to live out a part of my beloved show, Red Dwarf. My evening is complete. Well, not completely complete. I completely failed to complete my sandwich. It was too much for me.

R.I.P.

Admittedly, those remains look like a used tampon. It tasted better than I imagine a used tampon to taste though. So with that in mind, go and make yourself a fried egg, chili, chutney sandwich!