Thrift Store Adventures: Book Edition Vol. 1!

One of my favorite pastimes is visiting second-hand stores and, considering the high percentage of bumpkins and yokels in Arkansas, I usually come up fruitful. So in this portion of the site, I will be showing y'all (see, the hayseeds are rubbing off on me) some of my luckier finds! Don't get too jealous!

The book section is a great section in any thrift store. You could find a popular book you have been looking for (see below!), an extremely obscure book that is really funny to find out even exists, to really old books that you can only assume got there because someone's grandma died and her kids and grandkids ransacked her house and already kept or sold anything of value and then decided, "Well grandma can't read these where she's going, and these silly 'books' won't pay the child support. Hahahahaha." Grandkids are assholes. Even if they DO donate to Goodwill. Anyway, what I mean to say is that you can find some gold in the book section.

The first book that caught my eye on today's adventure was Does a Wild Bear Chip in the Woods? I guess it is a book about golf or something, but what interested me was the cover.

Finally, Pedobear spotted in the wild!

It's a guy in business casual watching a bear play golf while "hiding" behind a tree. I guess I don't have much to say about this, but check out this awesome face:

"Duh, whaaa..."

A quick google search on the author finds this: "Lewis McDonald Grizzard, Jr. (October 20, 1946 – March 20, 1994) was an American writer and humorist, known for his Southern demeanor and commentary on the American South." Ahhh, the American South. So this is what I get to look forward to during my stay in Arkansas.

Next, we have New Recipes for the Cuisinart Food Processor. It's not all that impressive except for the fact that it is a Cuisinart cookbook from 1976. So you may be wondering why I would pay a whopping $0.25 for such an item. It was because of this man:

"Hey kiddies, your fingers go in here, like this."

That's one of the creepiest men I've ever seen, and he's on the cover of a cookbook no less! Does this cover whet anyone's appetite? Did people in 1976 have different ideas about food? Why is his bow-tie crooked? So many questions, but the book itself offers no answers. The recipes are okay though, he gives one particularly mouthwatering recipe: liver-spots and onions. I Googled "James Beard" and damn, this man is scary as shit.

I guess he has some foundation or something, but I didn't read about it. I was too busy crying.

EDIT: My dad made fun of me making fun of this creepy old man. Apparently James Beard is a cooking legend. And Dad made sure to emphasize "legend." I guess even legends sometimes use modest food processors. 

The next book is from 1998, titled Photoshop for the Web. 

In Photoshop, you can create dead birds with backwards bodies

The authors of this book were obviously way ahead of their time. From flipping through this book I can really see how amazing Photoshop really is. 

We can see here the use of shading. See, they made the bird have all sorts of crazy colors! Not only that, but they took the buzzword "web" and used THE BIRD as the TEXT COLOR!!!!! HahahaROFLthat'ssoamazing! I, for one, am amazed.

Marc Andreessen, however, remains unimpressed

I picked up a joke book (and JUST picked it up, mind you. I only BUY the good stuff, like Cuisinart guy up there) called Incredible Amazing Jokes, or something to that effect. It was a normal joke book with all the lame jokes you would expect from a kid's joke book. But this book had a strange abundance of canary jokes. "What the fuck are canary jokes?" you might ask, spryly. "Not a goddamned clue." I might reply, zestily. But if it's canary jokes you want, this book has 'em!

What the hell is that thing on the left?

The first two I can KINDA see as jokes I might hear on the school bus on my way to scope out the single ladies on the playground, but the last one? Makes no fucking sense. Can someone please explain to me what's funny about a canary babysitting an elephant? Is it the visual imagery it creates? Because that image is mildly humorous, at best. Is it the fact that it is Saturday night and we are to assume the elephant's parents are going to an orgy where they will be loved and praised for their trunks, which are "ribbed for her pleasure?" I am going with the fact that the canary needs extra money because he is poor, and poor people are always a laugh. 

Finally, I found a book that I am actually pretty proud of finding. Stephen King's Under the Dome in paperback, and in pretty decent condition. 

Woot!

The book was $4.00, to which you may say, "But Woody, that's hardly a deal, considering you can easily get that book online for less." to which I will reply "Eat shit, jerk, once you factor in shipping costs and time of delivery it is hardly worth it! Plus, my book came with an amazing dog bookmark!" That's right. My cheap $4.00 book that I actually wanted came (almost assuredly by mistake) with a free magnetic bookmark.

Awwww it's so cute :)

Yes, I am the proud owner of this little marker of pages. One side has a little puppy-wuppy, and the other side goes on to say "good dog!" and offer the puppy a few treats. Take a look at it in action!

I can pretend he's narrating the story

This bookmark will come in handy during my journey through Stephen King's world, when I'm feeling isolated and alone, or nervous for the future of the beloved characters in the book. This puppy will assure me that it's all right, nothing to worry about! I love my new bookmark and will cherish it forever.