Sunday, January 29, 2012

Light French Kissing - or - My Alternative Identity

While perusing my favorite thrift store, I happened upon a CD ambiguously labeled "LFK Photos."

Never one to pass up good mystery, I knew I had to have it. While standing in line to check out, the cashier volunteered me to help a woman load a table into her car. As I apparently had no say in the matter, I helped the woman load her car which got me the LFK CD for free in return. If I'd have known I was going to get free thrift store stuff in exchange for manual labor I would have picked up this lovely Picasso print that was there!

The price in the corner says $45. I'm not sure I would be willing to pay $45 to prevent myself from ever having house guests. 

Anyway, a quick Google search shows that "LFK" stands for "Light French Kissing," so I was pretty excited to see what was on the disk. Then again, along with light French kissing, Urban Dictionary defines LFK to stand for "Little Fat Kid" and "Lawrence Fucking Kansas," the first of which I only have a mild interest in seeing photos of, and the other being the town where I went to school. So whatever is on this disk, I should be able to get at least some entertainment from it. 

So I put the CD in my disk drive.

And I now have a new identity. 

The disk contains 49 pictures of a man with the initials L. F. K., but, unfortunately, there is no sign of any light French kissing. I'm not sure, but since the photos were donated and then I purchased them (with physical labor) I now own the photos and can blatantly post them all over the internet and make fun of them like I'm about to do. The guy does look kind of intimidating though, so I hope he never sees this website. 

And now, I will falsely describe the photo album through the eyes of LFK:

Hi, I'm Lonny! At least that's what I'll have you believe so Woody doesn't get sued for libel! I love baseball, my family, and mustaches.

Today, I will be throwing a fastball down memory lane and telling you about some of my favorite pieces of my (very) personal history. This is me when I was just a pee wee leaguer. 

I had the most beautiful dress on that day. That cage to the right is where dad would put us when he was being a grump. He liked to take his baseball bat and run it along the bars for hours while we sat inside. Occasionally he would be nice and not spit chewing tobacco on us.

This is me with all my siblings posing for a picture in front of our old house. The big boy in the back, Clem, really wanted to be a doctor so he practiced on us all the time. Last I heard he was in something called the "big house," so he must be doing very well for himself!

This is Coach. He taught me everything I know about proper ball handling, and he's the reason I love balls so much, even today! I sometimes think of him while I'm making love to my wife.

This is my high school senior photo. This is when I first got my mustache!! It's been with me ever since, through thick and thin. Sometimes when I'm feeling lonely I just stick my tongue out and give it a little lick. It reminds me of Coach.

My lovely wife, Jimmie. She's always had a thing for walruses, so the combination of my 'stache and the sounds I make while we make whoopie adds up to a perfect marriage.

Jimmie and I with our two beautiful children. This is right before our baby, Lucy, was exorcised. You can clearly see she was possessed by Satan in this photo.

This is just me lounging on the couch, practicing for our monthly Bukkake Night.

Me posing with the boy, showing off my new acid wash jeans. The obvious disappointment in my face is due to the fact that the jeans were just too dang baggy and they sat way too low on the hips!

My weekend with the kids. What a nightmare.

This was right after I made the best decision of my life: I joined a cult! We are a small group, but we sure know how to have fun! Our main source of income is dressing up as American Indians and going to Indian casinos. The goal is to integrate ourselves with the Indians so they won't think twice when we sneak into the vault and take all the cash. So far, it hasn't worked, but I think our costumes are getting better!

This is the setup for next weekend. I have a good feeling about this one due to the fact that I can hide behind this authentic Indian sign if they start getting suspicious. When I get my portion of the cash I will buy a mansion where Jimmie, Coach, and I will live. I will buy a new cage for the kids, too.


Okay, my morality is starting to kick in so I guess that's where I'll stop.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Thrift Store Pen Pals - The Blind Bride!

My Thrift Store Pen Pal this time is The Blind Bride. She moved to San Francisco and writes a blog about her goings on in the west coast. She tends to speak what's on her mind, which I suppose is what an anonymous blog is all about!

Her review was pretty interactive and required a bit of setup, which apparently didn't go great. She alludes to drug use and sexy time based on the questionable look of the item I sent her. I was not expecting such things from a bride, so it definitely gave me a laugh! Check out some jungle fun (and perhaps tragedy?) in The Blind Bride's Thrift Store Pen Pal review!!

As always, I encourage anyone who loves free stuff in the mail to get in on the action! clickheresignupnow

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Random Website Reviews!

I am fascinated with randomness. I don't know why that is - perhaps it's the nerd in me, or maybe I'm simply a robot. Games like Minecraft, where the entire world is randomly generated, blow my mind. I even play the lottery and hope those randomly drawn ping-pong balls have my numbers written on them.

Today, I'm going to be review a few randomly selected websites. And I mean completely random. I will use a random word generator, a random number generator, and Google to find a website and chime in with my two cents. This will either be very interesting or very porn-filled. Here we go.

First up, I'm going to try an adjective plus a noun. Let's see what we come up with... "Frustrated System." Okay, and my random number is 9. So I'll go to Google, type in "frustrated system" and review the ninth page. Looks like it's a Myspace music page!

The band is called The Dark Villager, and the song is called Frustrated on the album System. While most of their songs have less than 10 plays, it looks like I'm the 392nd listener to Frustrated! Okay, let's give it a listen...

Hmm I totally planned on making fun of this, but... it's actually kind of good. It is kind of trancy electronica from the UK. It reminds me that a few years ago, I decided to try my hand at producing my own techno music. I called myself Hobotronic, and I only completed two songs, both of which are on Myspace. I am pretty weird, so one song is about a hobo who writes techno music, and the other is about Hobby Lobby. Don't ask. You can listen to them here, by the way, but don't judge me - I was still in college and I was experimenting.

Due to how I unexpectedly enjoyed this random website, I'll give it 4 hearts (another random word from the generator).

Next, I'll try a noun + preposition + noun. "Smile Saving Culprit" and number 3. This one is a bit more depressing. It's a news story with the headline "Dog Shot with Crossbow Dead, Authorities Seek Culprit." 

It was in California and the dog had an injured spine and punctured lung and authorities had to put the dog down. That is super sad :( I don't like this one, but that's the risk I take going to a random website. I'm not sure exactly where the "smile" part comes into play. Normally I'm not a violent person, but I almost have to (sadistically) agree with one commenter to this story:

"One almost wishes the punishment would fit the crime. Let the culprit be shot over and over again with the crossbow. Don't kill him. Treat him without anesthesia or pain pills. Let him suffer as the dog suffered. Maybe learn his lesson."

Okay, that website gets 2 hearts, but only because it was sad. Let's hope the next website is a bit brighter!

 Now I will try a verb + adjective + noun. "Bed Pushing Far" and number 4. This one is a Facebook page called "how far can i push mommy off the bed at night." Exactly 1 person "likes" this page, but unfortunately I can't see who.

This page is very confusing to me for several reasons. Is this page for people who sleep with their mothers and push their moms off the bed during the night? Well Facebook has an age requirement of 13 years old, so best case scenario, some teenager is still sleeping with his or her mom. This conjures visions of incest and mental illness. Worst case, some middle aged woman is making a game out of how close she can push her elderly mother to the edge of the bed while she sleeps. Probably so she falls out of bed in the middle of the night, making it look like an accident. This has turned into a fun and challenging game every night, and so she decided to tell the world how much fun she's been having and so she created this Facebook page, but she is the only subscriber.

Except for me. I "liked" the page, but only out of irony. I don't like to sleep with my mom and push her to the edge of the bed... honest, guys... This page gets 2.5 hearts.

Okay, that was fun. Now I'm going to try a noun + verb + noun. "Art Accumulate Blind" and 8. It brings me to a website article titled "On Maximalism, 1: An Eye & an Eye: or What does Art Require of Us."

Phew. That was a tiring read. I don't know much about art history, so maybe that's why I didn't get this article, but the author seems to be trying way too hard. This is what I imagine the author to look like, but imagine him with an I'm-trying-to-sound-smart voice.

I am not sure, but I think the author is comparing art to a virus and that it gets into you and uses you and then you die. And he talks a lot about orifices. He says that art's preferred orifice is the eye, but any orifice will do. Well, I know of at least a couple orifices that I would like art to stay out of. This website gets π hearts (That's my artsy hipster way of rating things).

That's all for now. Stay tuned for more random stuff reviews!


Wednesday, January 11, 2012

My First Vlog! About My Limberjack...

Today I make my video debut. You get to know a little bit yourself when you watch yourself on video. For instance, vlogging for the first time is really awkward. And apparently I mumble.

A couple weeks ago I bought a strange wooden puppet from a thrift store in Arkansas.

It has a stick going directly into his back. You know, that spot that you can't reach. Evil, evil puppet maker. I know nothing about puppets, so I had my doubts on purchasing this guy, but all those doubts were washed away when I took a closer look.

Who could say no to that face!? Anyway, I figured I would try my hand at puppeteering for the sake of the blog, so I researched how you make this crazy wood-man actually do anything; my attempts at bringing him to life would be considered "flailing around," at best. My research showed me that this wooden puppet with a stick in his back is actually called a limberjack! It's an Appalachian musical instrument. Seriously. It's used as percussion for folk music. It is also known as a jig doll, slapjack, jiggerman, limberjim, limberjill, dancin' dan, and yankee-doodle dancer. According to Wikipedia. Check out this video. Pay special attention to how excited the guy on the chair gets about a dancing man-puppet instrument.

My limberjack isn't that athletic, but he has a few moves of his own, although he prefers a much different style of music...

By the way, he was puking there at the end, not having weird air-sex.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Awesome Week!

I am finally moved back to Kansas! And I finally have internet again! While I might not completely miss Arkansas, it had nicer weather than here. Plus, my boredom caused by living in Arkansas inspired me to start this blog, so I'd say it was a good year all-in-all.

When I finally had steady internet that wasn't my phone, I saw that I had a lot of new readership! I was super excited, I thought, "This is finally it, I'm a celebrity now. I've made it to the big leagues." I saw that all my new traffic was from my blog-friend Miss Sassy Pants from A Few French Fries Short of a Happy Meal. In fact, she created her own blog award and gave it to me - ME! See:

Isn't it gorgeous? :) I'm pretty honored. She's super funny and has lots of good drunken/silly/possibly-unhealthy escapades. Not only that, but she has like 300 followers, so that's a nice plug for my bloggy! Miss Sassy Pants is highly recommended, you will not be disappointed. Herehereherehere!

So that was nice. Today was also my first day at my new job! It's pretty much exactly what I was doing in Arkansas - I'm an engineer - but with the added benefit of being around friends and family rather than hillbilly neighbor kids and loneliness. I know this job will be a good fit because when I got to my new desk and opened my drawer I saw the most amazing thing:

Anyone who's read my blog for any length of time knows of my fascination with weird thrift store mugs, and this certainly fits the bill. It is hand-painted and just overall interesting - the exact sort of thing I would buy at a thrift store and show off to you. It is even signed on the bottom.

I don't think that's English. I never thought I'd say it, but I'm really happy about the big black cock on my desk...