Sunday, October 23, 2011

Restroom Stall Foot Tapping :(

I moved to Northwest Arkansas almost a year ago for work and I was very nervous about moving here due to the stereotypical Arkansas stigma. When I got here I realized that the Northwest is the good section of the state and I don't have a lot to worry about. But over the weekend I got a small taste of Deliverance.

I went to a thrift store with my friend, David; the store is in a dying mall with very empty hallways and more empty rooms than stores. I had to use the restroom so I walked the halls until I found what was called "Restroom Road," which is a lobby area that has a few vending machines, tables, and chairs. The lights were dim and there was a trashy looking guy sitting at one of the tables. Here is Restroom Road:

It's pretty sketchy, but you can see the tables and chairs if you look closely. Anyway, while I was sitting there doing my business a guy entered the stall directly next to mine and dropped his pants and sat down as if nature were calling. But I never heard anything happen - perhaps he was constipated? I didn't really think anything about it and just play with my phone. While playing Words with Friends, I noticed his foot was clearly visible and he was tapping it in some weird pattern. Uh oh...

I suddenly remembered the connection between foot tapping and gay sex; a few years ago a senator, Larry Craig, got busted in a sting operation where he was trying to solicit some man-love by tapping his foot in the stall as the signal. After some research, I learned the tap-method: one person starts tapping, the other taps back, and eventually their feet touch and I guess they crawl under the stall and bang each other. Well I was not interested in that, thank you very much. 

I made every conscious effort to keep my feet still while trying to hurry as fast as I could. As I started pulling the toilet paper, my admirer could tell that I was about to get away and he started to get desperate. He put his entire foot under the stall into mine and started tapping like mad! It was his last chance. I should have stomped on his foot, but I didn't, I just kinda waited because I didn't want to walk out and have him pounce on me or something. He eventually just got up and left - guess he didn't have to go after all. 

On my way out, the same guy was sitting at a table in Restroom Road and, as I got a VERY clear look at the tapper's shoes, checked this guy's shoes, and they were definitely the same. I was very disturbed so I told David what had just happened. Against better judgement, he decided to use the restroom and see if he would be propositioned as well. Tappy went in after him! David didn't stick around to see what would transpire, which is probably a good thing. I was about to go in after him and avenge my friend, but he came out unscathed.

While highly unsettling, Tap Man is very intriguing. He must just sit there all day trying his little tap dance until he gets a bite, like he's fishing (for dudes). I thought that maybe he had a Craigslist ad saying something like, "Frisco Mall, 1 o'clock, tap lessons..." or something, but I checked and couldn't find anything. He just vultures around the dead mall, looking for love... It's almost sad if it weren't so molesty.


  1. I had to stifle my laughter as the Wifey is watching 'Legend of the Seeker'. That's quite possibly the funniest blog post I've ever seen.

    If there were an award for 'Funniest Blog Post of the Year/Month/Minute/Whatever', I would give it to you.

    What the hell. I can't design anything, but I hereby honor you with the inaugural 'Funniest Blog Post of the Year/Month/Minute/Whatever' award. I like all the backslashes, so I'm keeping it like that. It's my award, so I'll do what I want.

    Hope you enjoy this typed out award, and be careful next time you go into a sketchy looking mall. I can't believe a guy sits there waiting for people to show up. He must sit there all day...

  2. That is so sad... I feel the need to find him and help him upgrade his game.

  3. How creeppppyyyyy...but the ad sounds about right haha

  4. Eli: Wow, that's one of the best compliments I've ever gotten about my blog! Thank you! :) I will cherish my Funniest Blog Post of the Year/Month/Minute/Whatever award forever. In fact, I will mount in on my mantle, thanks! Yeah, I'm sure he leads a very lonely life.

    Andrea: I would not recommend that. He looked capable of terrible, terrible things so you should probably just leave this one alone...

    Tanyabell: I agree! I was very disturbed...

  5. I'm laughing at this a bit, I mean it's really scary and creepy, but a bit humorous too! I'm a new follower of this blog, I enjoyed the read! Thanks, maybe we can get to know each other and become friends!!

  6. Tara: Yes, it's pretty funny, I agree! I would have laughed in the restroom if I weren't so scared. About to check out your blog!

  7. Wow can't believe that happened! It's like the perfect beginning to a scary movie and the ghosttown mall is the perfect setting!

  8. Omg! I opened your post and I had no idea this is what it would be about! I think my naughty blog is rubbing off on you! lol

  9. Retro: You're right! A ghosttown mall IS the perfect setting! That kind of reminds me of Dawn of the Dead.

    Myli: Close, but if your blog were rubbing off on me that much, I'd have banged the dude in the dirty restroom stall! Haha, yuck.

  10. "It's almost sad if it weren't so molesty." I need to stop reading Woodn't Ya Know It at work, because I keep busting a gut and people look at me funny. I'm glad you didn't stomp on his foot...the foot-to-foot contact would be like saying, "Go for it, and I like it rough." You, sir, would never be the same again.

    I can't tell how I feel about this guy. Is he just into promiscuity, or is he that desperate to find love? One option is funny, one is sad. I hope it was the former.


  11. Wow I am sorry this happened to u but that's hilarious rlmao