Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Neighbor Kids, Precious Moments, and Rock Shows

Some of my more seasoned readers may know of my plight with the neighborhood kids; they throw redneck gang signs when I drive by, run out in front of my car, ruin my lawn mower, and set up retarded tire swings.

Recently, with the start of football season, I realized that pee-wee football practice takes place practically in my backyard. Directly beyond my fence is a large grassy area behind the elementary school administrative building. About 4 out of 5 days of the week the grassy area becomes crowded with redneck parent after redneck parent, each with lawn chairs and Snuggies. During scrimmages, the parents yell, hoot, and holler as if they are watching a real football game, although the kids are seriously like 5 years old. I get to hear all the cheering and whistle blowing all week. So that's fun.

The other neighborhood kids must have read my blog posts making fun of them because I have been finding "traps" around my duplex. I keep finding baseball-sized rocks in my driveway and in front of my mailbox, and today I found a big rock in my yard. I am assuming the purpose of these rocks for me to drive over them and ruin my car, or mow over them and ruin my lawn mower blades, but it is nearly impossible not to spot them. I'm almost certain it is the neighborhood kids because they are the only people I ever see in my neighborhood; I think they have killed all the adults and this is their warning for me to leave. Either way, I may be a nice guy, but I'm not afraid to murder a child.

Last weekend I went to Kansas with my awesome gf. On the way, there are a bunch of billboards for the Precious Moments Chapel in Cathage, Missouri. For those who don't know, yes you do - they are those horrible little figurines with the sad, sad eyes.

Every person in the Precious Moments world looks like a child, which is strange in itself, but look at that picture. It looks like someone out of frame is holding a gun to their heads and forcing them to "act natural" for a ransom picture. 

Well, despite our better judgement, we decided to stop at the Chapel and have a look around. At best, we'd get to see some creepy blog material. At worst, we'd become sex slaves in a dank, dark basement. Unfortunately, the museum was closed, but here is what you see when you walk into the chapel visitors' center.

That room is filled with giant animatronic Precious Moments figures. Their heads and arms move and it feels like they are watching you as you walk by... When you walk into the shops, you can buy whatever Precious Moments mementos you want. Walking further down the path we see this.

That's a statue of a giant baby holding a smaller, deader baby. Very creepy. We continued outside and followed the path, walking between rows and rows of terrifying figures smiling and waving at us, when we found the chapel.

It actually looks pretty cool from all the way back here. We got closer and the door was really intricate, so I took a picture.

There was some religious saying on the door I took a shot of, and I got some bonus sun rays! I didn't even mean for that to happen, but it turned out kinda cool. Perhaps it's a sign... a sign that I should leave. But instead, we went in. There were tons of Precious Moments paintings and crap all over the walls.

This place was a lot bigger than my phone's camera does justice. If you look closely, you'll see that the ceiling is covered in flying babies. That giant painting in the back there? Here it is close-up.

That's my special lady friend in front to compare size. She's like 10 feet in front of it, too. This thing was massive. If  you look, you'll see that the "Welcome" sign us upside down. That's creepy to me, kind of like an upside down cross or something. You can also find Jesus in there, if you look hard enough.

There was a LOT more to this place, but conveying the true amount of weirdness of this place would take more time than I'm willing to put in. The rest of the weekend was filled with friends and fun, and later on we found some pretty great thrift store stuff, but that will have to wait for another post.

Next subject.

On Monday, my gf asked me if I'd go to a concert with her the next night if she won tickets. I asked her how she could win tickets and she said that she'd have to listen to the radio and call in. So basically, I was not expecting to go the the concert. That seems like a super long shot. I got a phone call a couple hours later with a frantically excited girl on the other end saying she'd won the tickets she wanted! I was thoroughly impressed by this, as I have never heard of someone planning a night around such a slim possibility and it actually working in their favor.

The show was Blue October, who I hadn't heard of, but I love live music so I figured it would be fun regardless. The opener was a guitar-and-drum duo, IAMDYNAMITE, who fucking dominated. I didn't know so much energy and awesomeness could come from two people, but it was fantastic. 

Blue October was good, but a short, large Mexican guy kept grinding on me. I pushed him away several times and asked him to stop, but he kept rubbing up on me and messing with my hair. I don't think he was gay, but I am 98% sure he was on ecstasy. That whole thing ended with the guys next to me getting into it with him and security kicking him out. Everyone cheered. 

At the end of Blue October's set, they threw their picks and drumsticks to the crowd and my girlfriend got hit in the face with a pick. It was kind of awesome! I kind of wish she'd caught it in her mouth. 

As we were leaving, we saw the guys from IAMDYNAMITE mingling with the crowd, so we walked up and gave each of them big, sweaty bear-hugs. It was great :) We talked for a bit and they were super cool, and they even signed a bumper sticker and a CD I bought. Such a fun night! I'd never heard of them before last night, but from here on out, I'm sold. 


  1. Precious Moments invade my house around Christmas. We typically restrain them by tying them to a pine tree and lighting it on fire.

  2. Those dolls are too creepy!I can totally see them coming to life in that chapel every night..

  3. That Precious Moments chapel creeps me the hell out. Those dolls are unnatural all by themselves...and that many...all so's like a shrine to undead adult-babies everywhere.

    But, Blue October for the win. Excellent post, good sir.

  4. I have a precious moments bible story book that my gramma used to read to me when I was little. I loved it. Still do. But I think they should be only in story books... giant paintings on walls and museums and moving statues are NOT acceptable and very creepy.

    Glad you had a good time with your girlfriend at the concert. Lucky her for winning the tickets. I never even get through to the radio station when I try to call to win.

    P.S. I did receive the package, but have been busy with work and things this week. I want to do the item justice and give the post my all, so I'm waiting for either tonight or tomorrow to finish the post.

  5. I've always wanted to win tickets by calling into the radio! It always worked on shows like Saved By the Bell and Full House. I've never actually tried it though. Sounds like fun!

  6. Those little cherub-looking people are so disturbing. Nobody should look so angelic and miserable simultaneously. It's not right.

    I know it made you uncomfortable, but hearing about that Mexican man grinding on you is too funny to not comment on. That's like my life everyday on the subway to work. Welcome.

    & you're so brave for posting your gf's blog, you know that? Because now I will stalk her! lol