Monday, September 26, 2011

Judging Books by Their Covers - Part 3!

Although we were warned against it as children, one of my favorite things to do is judge books by their covers. Literally! This time I have an excellent assortment of fine reading, summarized and judged, solely by the title and cover picture, by yours truly. I'm pretty sure I am about 90% accurate on all of my book summaries, so go to your local library and pick up some of these great books! *insert Reading Rainbow transition sound effect*

First up is a classic, The Very Best of Friends, by Anonymous.

Here is where you would expect me to make a bestiality joke about the kid and farm animals rolling in the hay together, but I'm not going to do that (although by telling you I'm not going to make the joke, I just made the joke. Win!). I generally never open the book when Judging Books by Their Covers, but I opened this one.

It is JUST a cover (the pages were ripped out), so I can still get away with it. Anyway, the kid on the cover is a very young Michael Vick. I know, he looks really pale; it turns out Mr. Vick is actually Caucasian, but since he grew up on a farm he was out in the sun a lot and just got completely covered in freckles. That's why he looks so dark now.

(I totally stole that freckle joke.)

Mike never had many friends so he had to look for more creative sources of entertainment. He found the farm animals to be particularly good listeners, as they never complained whenever he went on about himself. They all became very close, and so the Grain Gang was formed. They even came up with fun nicknames! Member list:

  • Michael Vick - Mad Dog Mike
  • Hen - The Scrambler
  • Cow - Cuddy
  • Horse - Me Dick
  • Goat - The Bleating Beater

The Grain Gang was all fun and games at first. They roamed the farm, played by the creek, and discussed girls. But things turned for the worse when Mad Dog Mike got into drugs. The gang started noticing he was acting differently and was spending less and less time with them.

One day, Mike called a gang meeting in the barn. The animals were hesitant considering how Mike had been acting lately, but thought he was calling them there to discuss his drug habit. Mike showed up looking very shady and shifty. He told them he had a fool-proof money-making opportunity and he wanted them to be part of it. All they had to do was meet up in front of the two barns at 6:00 pm. It sounded easy enough, and if it helped Mad Dog Mike, the gang figured they'd do their part.

They arrived in front of the barns at 6, and to their surprise there was another gang there, and they looked angry! Just then, Michael put a fence around the two gangs and said, "Don't let me down, Grain Gang! I have a lot of money riding on you guys killing that other gang!" And that was the end of The Scrambler, Cuddy, Me Dick, and The Bleating Beater. And the beginning of Michael Vick - Animal Figher.

If that was too depressing, next up we have Diablo - A Day Like Any Other by Gabi Adam!

Everyone knows that Diablo is another name for the Devil, and this book is about the Devil himself. Although he is commonly known as the personification of evil, he had a biography written about him to let the world know what a day in the life of Satan is like.

The book starts off with Diablo waking up in the morning and starting his Keurig for some Donut Shop coffee, then watching the news for an hour. He then goes outside and steps onto a beautiful pasture with lots of rolling hills and a single rearing horse, silhouetted against the sunrise. The Devil then puts his fingers to his mouth and whistles. "Sunflake! Here girl!" The horse neighs and happily runs over to her master. "Good morning, gorgeous! Want to take a ride today?" Diablo feeds Sunflake a handful of oats while petting her shiny brown mane.

They then go on a ride through the stunning meadow and through the woods to a cottage set near a babbling brook. Diablo knocks on the door and a fragile little old lady answers. "Morning Mrs. Muffin! I brought you some more home baked cookies. :)" "Oh, Diablo, you are too good to me. You visit me every day and never ask anything in return. Please come in, I have just prepared some tea!" "Thanks, gran, but Sunflake and I have a big day today. I just dropped by to say hello!" They say their goodbyes and Diablo rides off to save an orphanage.

The book really shows that the Devil has just been given a bad rap all these years. The back of the book shows Diablo wearing a wool turtleneck and glasses and enjoying a poetry book.

Finally, we have ¿Donde Esta Bebe Oso? by Mystery Author.

I went to Google Translate for some help with this next one. Unless you can read Spanish, I suggest you do the same.

Diego estaba sentado con sus amigos Raccoon Randy, Dennis Pato, y Randy Conejo. Randy y Randy tenía el mismo nombre, pero Diego podría distinguirlos, porque uno era un mapache y una era un conejo. Diego cuenta a su amigo Butch oso había desaparecido, por lo que pidió a sus amigos animales donde estaba. "Lo vi caminar hacia ese gran castillo detrás de nosotros", dijo Randy. "Gracias, señor Raccoon. Tal vez deberíamos buscarlo." , dijo Diego. "Eso no fue Randy, que era yo, Randy". exclamó Randy. El cuatro de ellos estaban muy confundidos.

El grupo decidió ir al castillo a buscar a su amigo Butch Bear, pero no pudieron encontrar la manera de cruzar el foso. "Vamos a lanzar piedras en el foso para hacer un puente!" Randy sugirió. Todos ellos les gustó la idea, pero Dennis estaba teniendo ninguna parte de eso, y tranquilamente cruzó a nado el foso. Ellos trabajaron durante horas hasta que el puente estaba completo, entonces maldijo a Dennis por ser tan perezoso.

Llegaron a la puerta y se encontró que en lugar de los guardias, había dos cuerpos brutalmente mutilados. Caminaron un poco más en el castillo y se dio cuenta de que todos habían comido. "Esto es terrible! Sin duda, el rey debe saber qué está pasando!" -exclamó el grupo. Diego, Dennis, Randy, Randy y entró en la habitación del rey y vio a Butch oso sentado en el trono, mirando con sangre y feliz. Los cuatro amigos se miraron, se meten las manos en las caderas, y sacudió la cabeza: "¡Oh, Butch! Usted tonto oso!"

And there you have it! Three completely accurate summaries of books I came up with based on their covers alone! Until next time!


  1. First of all, thanks for the plug :)

    After using Google Translate with exact copy and paste I have to say... I'm rather confused. Mostly by the final paragraph... I get the drift, though ;)

    Made me laugh as always!

  2. Yep, those were pretty much "completely accurate summaries"!

  3. Starting to get into the non sequitur shorts I see. Good job.

  4. i'm glad you use google translate like i do. i like translating cuss words into obscure eastern european languages.

  5. Grace: You're very welcome :) The main problem with my Spanish paragraph was a missing space. It's just so much work hitting that space button all the time...

    Retro: I know, right! I think I may be psychic.

    Dad: Thanks! I just write whatever pops into my head at the moment.

    ihateeverything: Google Translate is amazing! I haven't tried translating cuss words into random languages yet, but I'm sure that's on the horizon.

  6. Haha! I love that you dropped from English to Spanish like it was nothing. Reminds me of Bowling For Soup and Cobra Starship...both have songs in which they sing a verse in Spanish for no apparent reason. Ole!

    And as always, you are one clever creative guy. Really enjoyed the first's like MV: The Rise of Michael Vick.

  7. Randomly while I was in Las Vegas I stopped in a little tourist shop area that was also a dollar store and it had crazy things including a girdle, vitamin B supplements, bullets, wigs, and a dog shirt that said 'Vick' and then had a line going through it (Anti Micheal Vick symbol) and below it said 'Las Vegas'. Of course, I bought it for my dog! All these items were for the low price of 1-2 dollars!