Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Embarrassing Stories - Inappropriate Tick Bites

Ticks plague me. It seems that no matter where I go, what I do, or what changes, ticks are a constant. I grew up living surrounded by a pretty thick wooded area, several of my friends growing up lived near woods or near a field, and now I live in the Ozarks. I have tick experience. I should put that on my resume.

Not only am I constantly surrounded by ticks, but when I am on a hike with friends, I am usually the only one to get them. And I get a ton. I must be some kind of delicacy to them. One year in high school (and this is pretty nerdy) I decided to count how many ticks I found on my that summer; I stopped counting when I hit 70. With all of those ticks, some are bound to have some inappropriate voyages, and that's what I'm going to talk about today.

Just as a warning, today's post may be a bit graphic. Luckily, I won't be providing pictures.

When I was about 12 one of my best friends lived only a few houses down from me. He had a trampoline so we would often hang out over at his place. Unfortunately, the trampoline was right next to the woods and had trees towering over it. Side note: ticks live in trees. So I was jumping around, having a good time, and I remember hitting one of the leafy branches with my head, but not thinking anything of it. Several seconds later, I notice I am covered in tiny, tiny little moving dots, and they seemed to be spreading all over me. Shocked at first, I simply looked at the dots on their conquest. When I finally realized they were itty bitty ticks, I started stripping off ALL of my clothes and running home to shower. I remember looking down at the water running into the drain and thinking it looked like someone pouring small coffee grounds down the drain. 

I've had many a-trifle with ticks around the waistline, but sometimes they like to take things to the next level. Get a little more intimate. To be blunt, sometimes ticks bite your balls. Now, ever since I can remember I've taken a shower every day, so it's not even a matter of hygiene. They hide somehow, like the tiniest ninjas. That's why I was so surprised when, in middle school, my crotch got extremely itchy. No amount of scratching provided relief. So I checked my drawers and, much to my surprise, found 3 ticks embedded in my scrote! I think they like the soft, warm wrinkles or something. I had a similar experience with a mole I noticed on my ass. It just so happens, the mole had eight legs and was sucking my blood.

That was traumatizing, but by far the worst tick experience I've had happened when I must have been about 5 or 6. Being so young, I had no shame so I was pissing in the garden. I noticed a very strange feeling when it started though, as though I had an extra flap of skin right on the tip... I looked down and saw something that could have been straight from the SAW movies: a tick was attached right to my urethra. Yep, right on the ol' pee hole. I won't go into details, but the extraction of that little guy was careful and precise, and don't even get me started on the itching I had the following couple weeks. I don't recommend it.

Those are definitely my most interesting encounters with the little vampires, and I do apologize for any mental imagery I may have caused. If it makes you feel any better, writing this post made me extremely itchy.


  1. I have to admit, all the adventures we had in the woods behind and around your house, I don't remember getting a single tick on me. Thanks for always being bait, a true friend.

  2. You should check out about catching Lymes Disease! Very serious from Ticks