Thrift Store Adventures: Book Edition Vol. 2!

(disclaimer: I felt terribly wrong writing the last part of this post, but it was too funny not to write. I'm not a pedophile or anything like that.)

I went to the thrift store yesterday after work because I have no friends, and it was a goldmine! I got a few Thrift Store Adventure posts worth of pictures - it's like winning the lottery but much, much more depressing! Anyway, I will be discussing a few books that I found that were of particular interest.

First off, we have "Flying Saucers - Serious Business," by Frank Edwards.

This is srs, u guys.

This book really stood out to me because it smashed through the barrier of official silence. I looked inside and This is the very first page of the book:

"WARNING! 

Near approaches of Unidentified Flying Objects can be harmful to human beings. Do not stand under a UFO that is hovering at low altitude. Do not touch or attempt to touch a UFO that has landed. 

In either case, the safe thing to do is to get away from there quickly and let the military take over. There is a possibility of radiation danger, and there are known cases in which persons have been burned by rays emanating from UFOs. Details on these cases are included in this book.

DON'T TAKE CHANCES WITH UFOs."

Clearly I had to own this book. Most items featured on Thrift Store Adventures don't leave the store; I simply take their pictures and leave it at that, but this book was too odd to pass up. I can't tell if this book is legit, or the world's first epic troll. I have only read a little bit so far and it seems to take itself seriously. The copyright info says it was published in 1966. In fact, this book was published with 12 different editions by two different publishers. I guess they didn't have spell check in the '60s.

I won't even get into the "32 pages of astonishing photographs." They are pretty bad.

Next, we have a family classic, "Growing Wild Mushrooms: A Complete Guide to Cultivating Edible and Hallucinogenic Mushrooms" by Bob Harris.

Just thought you'd sneak the "hallucinogenic" part in there, eh Bob? I didn't spend much time looking through this book, but now that I write this I kind of regret that. I may go back and get this book so I can start my new, totally-legal side business. Not much more to say about this one.

Finally, Dr. Ross Campbell teaches us "How to really love your child."

I grabbed this one hoping, but not really expecting, that it was rife with unintended innuendo, and boy was I happy with what I found. In a dirty, dirty incest/pedophile way. It's a totally legit book, but being written in the '70s it didn't consider people 40 years in the future being perverts. Here is the table of contents:

"Dr. Ross Campbell" is clearly Pedobear's pseudonym.

I actually [didn't]  read this book, and here I will give a brief summary of each chapter (which I totally just made up).

Foreward: I will not paraphrase here, the foreword simply said, "Hi I'm Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC's To Catch a Predator. Please have a seat, I have a few questions. Why did you buy up this book? Oh, you got it from a friend? You just needed help with a "school report", huh? Then why did you bring condoms and a Hello Kitty gimp mask?"

Preface: This section describes how Dr. Campbell came to write the book. Apparently, after years of working as a birthday clown and middle school gym teacher, he went on to write about the true "joys" of parenthood, all from the comfort of his 8'x8' cell. 

1. The Problem: Do you not feel that you're loving your child? I mean, really loving him or her? This book will take away all those first-time butterflies! The problem, as described in this chapter, is clearly those pesky "laws" and "morals."

2. The Setting: The best setting is really a trail of small candies (M&Ms work really well) up to his or her bedroom, where he/she will find their race car bed covered with rose petals dimly lit by candlelight.

3. The Foundation: The foundation, the book states, is years of sexual repression and daddy issues.

4. How to Love Your Child - Eye Contact: This is very important! Eye contact not only shows that you love your child, but that you're in love with your child. Also, you can catch all of his/her nonverbal queues to use to your advantage.  

5. How to Love Your Child - Physical Contact: This chapter is really the fun one. It describes, in detail, how and why you should give your child that extra something. From diapers to little league, this chapter gives you everything you need to know for your special parent/child relationship, with fun tips and games such as "Go, Diego, Go Grab the Lube," and "Hide and Seek - Then Sex." 

6. How to Love Your Child - Focused attention: You need to know that loving your child isn't just about your needs; your child has his/her special needs too, and you need to cater to those needs. While the "pants region" is the obvious bulk of the chapter, it goes into valuable detail about other sensitive regions, such as the back of the neck and behind the ears.

7. Appropriate and Inappropriate Love: This chapter debunks popular relationship-building techniques such as introducing your child to your parents, because they have likely already met them. Strangely appropriate, though, is the Chuck-E-Cheese ball pit.

8. Discipline: What is It?: While biting and pinching are good in moderation, your child must learn that there is such a thing as too much of a good thing.

9. Loving Discipline: This chapter describes how to make your child love the discipline you give him/her using simple techniques such as whips and chains.

10: Discipline - Requests, Commands, Rewards, and Punishment: Basically bedroom manners.

11: Children with Special Problems: While childhood impotence is a rare issue, it is a real problem. 

12: Helping Your Child Spiritually: After all the fun, take him or her to a priest for "dessert."

I just about stopped writing that synopsis when I got to the eye contact chapter due to moral constraints, but I couldn't leave you guys in suspense about the rest of the book. I'm sure I'm now on a government list. So I leave you with this: I do not agree with anything in that book, I AM going to Hell, and please, Dr. Campbell, don't sue me.