Saturday, December 24, 2011

Merry Winter Holidays!

I am pretty desensitized to embarrassment so I tend to do things others wouldn't, which is probably why I made my own ugly sweater this year! Although I frequent the thrift stores, people must get their ugly sweaters early because I had no luck finding one. Instead, I found bunch of normal things at the thrift store and put them together to make my own! Warning: this is pretty beautiful, so you will probably be jealous.

Take a look at those tassels coming out of the sleeves! Master craftsmanship, I must say.

The back features a googly-eyed Santa's face and hands, giving the illusion that he is hugging me. Why did I put this picture of myself on the internet for everyone to see? Because I'm a fool. But mostly for the ladies. ;)

When I wasn't searching for the most ridiculous things to glue onto a women's sweater, I saw some pretty bizarre Christmas decorations. For instance, this guy:

That is one muscular reindeer. Even his tail is bulging and rippling! Looks like Rudolph couldn't take everyone laughing and calling him names, so he took to the gym. Notice his antlers and hooves are red, too, so he must have gored and trampled Dasher and Dancer. He's also got a pretty sadistic smirk on his face, which really goes to show how damaging adolescent bullying can be! 

"Okay, Woody, seriously. That's obviously a ceramic stuffed Rudolph and those 'muscles' are the ceramic fabric seams." Well, imaginary skeptic, that's even weirder than a Roid-Rage Rudolph. "Nice alliteration." Thanks!

I also found this ultra-weird Santa Claus. This actually might be one of the weirder things I've ever found...

Can anyone explain this? Why is Santa balled up in cotton and medical wrap? I showed a friend who suggested that Santa is now a severe burn victim after he mistakenly went down a lit chimney. That chimney shit's dangerous, just use the front door! Closer inspection shows his anger at the situation.

Ahhh!! Why is Santa so scary? :( He has blood-red eyes with beady black pupils. My future children will not be sitting on this man's lap. Although he IS pretty soft... I'll ask again - Can anyone explain this??

I brought my stuff to my parents' house and mistakenly put my bags on the floor. The dog sniffed out this evil Santa Claus and tried to vanquish the evil, but to no avail. He only grows creepier without his burn wrappings!

What the heck IS this thing?! Well, the dog chewed him in to a pretty comfortable-looking position, so he's no longer the CREEPIEST Santa in the world. He's now...

...The most INTERESTING Santa in the world! "I don't always lose weight, but when I do, I lose all of it." 

Thank you, thrift stores, and everyone have some happy holidays! :)


  1. tassels on the sleeves?!

    damn, that IS some master craftmanship!

  2. That is a beautiful sweater Woody! :)Merry Christmas to you and yours!

  3. Haha! I love the sweater!!!!

    Merry Christmas, Woody.

    But if Santa visits me in my dreams tonight, I will E-punch you!!! :p

  4. Well done! You have one of the few blogs that makes me consistently laugh out loud every time I read an entry, and I freakin' lost it when I saw the Most Interesting Santa in the World. Absolutely lost it. I was thinking more along the lines of the ungodly love child of Casper and Mr. Claus, but that was better. I couldn't help but notice the Stephen King books next to him. Which ones? I'm a big fan, just got 11/22/63 for Christmas.

    That sweater is fabulous. I haven't seen anything that classy in a long time.

    Hope you had a great holiday!


  5. I am extremely jealous of the cardigan. But not really of the creepy Santa or his muscly reindeer.

  6. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha this is soo funny. This is like, MY kind of humor. I can't believe you don't have more followers. This cracks me up. Let's get married.

  7. Oh gosh, this is so funny! I'm glad I came across your blog. That santa practically made my day. :)

  8. This made my DAY! So freaking funny!

  9. Wow, that's the sexiest sweater I've ever seen. Well done.

  10. Stopped over from A Few French Fries Short of a Happy Meal... Miss Sassy Pants did not disappoint! Hilarious!

  11. ihateeverything: Thanks, I'm practically a fashion designer now.

    Nicole: I hope you had a Merry Christmas, too!!

    Gnetch: Yeah, I agree, I would deserve the digital beatdown.

    Shane: Thanks man!! :) That's the best compliment ever! I love Stephen King, but those particular books are a couple from the Dark Tower series (my favorite series). Have you read them?

    Mark: I'll sell it to you! Haha.

    Beebee: I wasn't sure anyone else had my exact version of humor! :) Okay, I guess I could get married, I don't have anything else going on. You'll have to move to Kansas though (unless you're rich!).

    Caity: Thanks! My blog is glad to have you :)

    Grace: I'm glad I could help! I'm happy you're still reading!

    Melissa: I hate to brag, but I DID look pretty good ;) Haha.

    Jennifer: Miss Sassy Pants is amazing for referring you! Thanks for reading, glad you enjoy my weirdness :)

  12. I finished The Gunslinger but never made it to Book 2. I found the book very hard to follow. But, the most devout DT fans have told me the first book is the hardest to read, but the rest come together much better. Maybe one day...

  13. Ghost santa! But you know what? Still not as a creepy as elf on a shelf.