Stupid Kids in my Neighborhood - The Tire Swing!

I have written about these dumb kids several times now, and it appeared as though they weren't getting any smarter. But on my way to work this morning, I noticed something. Something that may, in fact, be a redeeming quality. Remember the tall-ass tree they were climbing? Well I saw that they were trying to build something - there was a pile of rocks around the tree and some chairs. Maybe they were making a fort? Then I noticed they added a tire swing, something not just any Arkansan child can do. Then I drove a bit closer and saw the tire swing in all its glory:

Haha, just kidding, I knew this thing was crap the second I saw it

Yes, that is a BICYCLE tire swing. While still technically a "tire swing," it kind of misses the point. And the fact that I live in Arkansas shows itself again. Sorry for the bad picture; I had to zoom in quite a bit because I thought that walking up and taking pictures in some random little kids' play area seemed creepier than I prefer to be.

Random Story: Little Girls Buy Disturbing Video Games

Last summer my family had a garage sale. I sold a lot of my childhood toys and games that I no longer wanted, including all my Playstation 2 games. The games sold sparsely throughout the day as you'd expect and nothing particularly notable happened, except for that it was like 110 degrees and I wanted to die. But then a grandma showed up with her two grand-daughters, who were about 8 and 11 I'd say.

The girls looked through my box of games and selected a few, then brought them up to the counter to pay. Here are the games they bought, and why (probably):

Singstar Rocks:

This game was one of the first "Rock Band" type games that featured use of microphones. It is basically just the singing portion of Rock Band. There are various rock songs to choose from, and it was fairly fun. My favorite feature is that the game records your voice, so after each song you can isolate each player's voice and potentially embarrass your friends.

The girls bought this game because they, like most young girls, want to become rock singers. This game will get them the practice they need to become the next Miley. Or Ke$ha. Whatever floats their boats. Nothing crazy about this purchase.

Dog's Life:

In this game, you are a dog. That's pretty much the premise. You get to chase chickens, play fetch, and smell smells, but you must use all your doggie skills to save your true love from getting ground up and processed into cat food (seriously). In the end, you must save your girlfriend (dogfriend?) and grind up the evil overseer lady into cat food instead. I must say, it was pretty fun, although I was slightly shocked (and excited) about how dark the ending was.

The girls bought this game because, come one, look at that puppy! Who doesn't fantasize about being a dog sometimes; they don't have to work and they poop and chase squirrels all day. Although slightly dark, the ending gives a great feeling of revenge. A little vengeance is healthy, right?

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas:

Everyone has heard of the Grand Theft Auto games, either because of how fun they are or because of all the controversy surrounding them. The game is very open-ended so you can steal cars, shoot people, and chop people up with chainsaws to your heart's content. 

OK, so it's a little odd for these girls to be buying a Grand Theft Auto game, but they probably just heard all they hype and wanted to see it for themselves. Grandma didn't seem to mind, so why not? Besides, the game has a great story and although it is pretty adult-themed, it is pretty clear that it is not real.

Hitman: Contracts:

Just as it sounds, in this game you are a hitman. You take contracts to murder various important people. The thing about this game is that you must strategize each killing so that you leave no trace behind and you don't get caught, whether that means wiping out everyone in the building or simply poisoning the main course. Weapons include all sorts of guns, piano wire for strangling, and various chemicals to inject into your victims' veins. This game really gives the essence of what it is to be a contract killer.

Hmm. These girls are starting to creep me out a little, especially considering how young they are. When I rang this game up I asked if they knew what the game was about and they said they did. Completely stone-faced. At this point I figured I'd better not cross them, so, ignoring the giant "M for mature audiences only" on the cover, I handed the game over.

Manhunt:

You make a snuff film in this game. For those of you who don't know, a snuff film is one in which someone is murdered on-screen for the viewer to get his rocks off. Your character wakes up in a room with only a voice in his ear telling him that the only way he'll survive is if he murders a bunch of people for the camera. The more gruesome your make your kills, the better. You know you're doing well when the voice in your ear starts moaning. Eventually, you get to find the guy who's making you do all this and kill him. And everyone lived happily ever after. Except for all the dead people and the guy who just committed hundreds of murders against his will.

Alright. These little girls are straight up fucked in the head, and their grandma is their enabler. They clearly have a thirst for blood, and video games can only tide them over for so long; it's only a matter of time before they snap. Grandma's days are numbered, and she knows it. That's the only explanation for why she's letting her elementary school grandkids buy murder-simulators. I gave an uneasy smile, accepted their money with shaking hands, and said "good day." I don't want to become a statistic. 

You may be saying, "But didn't you own these games first? Why is it OK for you to play them but not these little girls?" That's true, but I never said I was a role model. Either way, if you see two adorable/sadistic looking little girls and their grandma sidekick, I suggest you turn the other way.

More Neighborhood Kid Strangeness!

I've talked in excess about the gangs of little kids roving the streets in my neighborhood. Mostly doing really dumb things. For example, the other day they were having Razr scooter races in the middle of the road. I was in my car, so I probably could have beat them, but I didn't want to show off. But mostly, their antics have nothing to do with me and I hardly even think about them. This particular incident, however, did have something to do with me.

A few weeks ago I was minding my own business, writing a blog post, when I got a ring on the doorbell. Considering I don't really know anyone down here, I was slightly surprised, but figured it was just someone trying to sell me some moonshine. Get it, it's an Arkansas stereotype, cuz I live here now. I found it from this fun list of Arkansas stereotypes!

EDIT: Good news! I also just text messaged ChaCha to give me some Arkansas stereotypes! Here is their answer:

"Arkansas stereotypes include people keeping pallets, old tires, abandoned trucks and parts lying around. ChaCha!"

Thanks, ChaCha, you never let me down. Anyway, back to the story. So the doorbell rings, and I was pretty cautious, because what if it was the Craigslist killer? I may not match his victim description, but he could be changing things up! I opened the door and it was just one of the neighborhood kids on his bike. He had a puffy face like he'd been crying, and he was staring at the ground. He asked if I had a lawn mower, which kind of took me aback. He talked very quietly. He said that it didn't matter if I let him use it or not, which if that's the case, why even ask? I said that I did and that he could, and it seemed pretty obvious he was being punished to mow the lawn or something, and so the rest of the discussion went as follows:

"Are you in trouble or something?"
"No, I'm not in trouble."
"So your parents need to use the lawn mower?"
"No, I need to use the mower."
"It's a push mower. Do you know how to use it?"
"Yes, I mowed my uncle's lawn once."
"Why do you look so sad?"
"I'm not sad."

But he was fucking sad. Or just ultra socially awkward. Which is kind of sad. Anyway, he took the mower over to his yard (which already looked mowed), and mowed like a champion for like 15 minutes and brought it right back. Pretty strange exchange (haha, "strange exchange"). I thought that was the end of it. An isolated incident that I would tell my friends about but they wouldn't believe me, or care.

Until it happened again, when I had friends over! The first time, he rang the doorbell only once. This time I could have sworn there was an ice cream truck in my living room; he was going nuts on that doorbell. I answered and he had the same sullen demeanor, and he asked the question: "can I borrow your lawn mower." Well gas is pretty expensive, and by this point he'd used the lawn mower as many times as I had. So instead of answering his question, I looked at his hand and noticed his finger looked bloody, so I asked what was wrong with his finger. He said it was only mud, but I'm still skeptical.

Anyway, he took the mower, but he kept it much longer this time. He had it for so long that my friends and I went for a walk until he was finished, and when we got back, he was mowing my duplex-mate's yard! We went back inside, and I heard him mowing my yard too, but just the front yard. My words here cannot describe how odd this was. Maybe he felt like repaying me for letting him use the mower, or maybe he expected me to pay him? I don't know. Either way, I kind of hope this keeps up; if so, I'll never have to mow my front yard again.

The one thing I don't get is why he mowed my neighbor's yard. I barely see her, and we've spoken like three times total. I imagine her internal monologue went something like this: "Whelp. Just pullin' into the ol' driveway. Wait, what's this, my yard is mowed? But I didn't mow today, by golly! Hmm, the neighbor I rarely talk to has his yard mowed too. I bet he mowed my yard, but why?? Is this a friendly gesture and now he expects me to make him a casserole? Or did he take pictures of me in the bathroom through the window and this is how he's repaying me!?"

Arkansas.

Stupid Kids in my Neighborhood!

I may have mentioned the amount of little kids always running around my neighborhood. I don't actually have a lot in my cul-de-sac, but the adjacent streets are packed full of kids. I usually see them riding their bicycles in gangs, or just running around in the grass. It makes life stressful too; after a hard day at work I'm too tired to watch the road to avoid running over these Arkansas spawn. They should know, if something happens, it's not my fault.

Today on my drive home I saw a pack of them sitting on skateboards riding down their driveway. Into the street.  I didn't hit one. So I rounded the corner and noticed a branch on of of the taller trees in the neighborhood shaking up and down. What were they up to now? They were climbing the tree. Pretty freakin' high too. Look:

And this was on their way down. It's kind of hard to see, but right below the shirtless one there is another. Where are these kids' parents? Seeing the number of little kids around makes me kind of paranoid; I don't want them peeking through my windows at night or something. Trust me, it happens. I used to do it.