Judging Books by Their Covers - Part 1!

You've heard the adage "never judge a book by its cover." Well, that's just no fun. In fact, a lot of times a book's cover is way better than its actual content. Here, we'll go over a few books I've found lately and give you their full synopsis. Without having actually read the synopses.

(OK, so after re-reading this post before publishing... I'll just apologize in advance.)

First up, we have a psychological murder-mystery, Did I Do That? by Dorothy Laux.

Ms. Laux is really a master of suspense, because in this story the main character, Sausage (shown on the cover), is plagued with extremely early-set Alzheimer's. He's a great kid, gets good grades, does the chores, but he never seems to remember what he's done during a lot of the unusual goings-on in the neighborhood. 

This Mememto-esque work is an internal struggle with Sausage as he tries to unravel just what happens during his blackouts. He doesn't drink, or at least if he's an alcoholic he doesn't remember, so he doubts these are the fun kind of blackouts. His family and friends are starting to wonder why Sausage always looks so bewildered and carries that silly rake around with him everywhere. 

The scene pictured above is a really great part in the story. Sausage, loving to use his rake any time he can, is raking all the leaves off of the trees in his yard, as can be seen in the picture. This makes his parents furious, but Sausage simply cannot help it. He's addicted. *Spoiler alert* One day, his dad scolds Sausage, "Boy, I done told you once, and I done told you twice - stop pickin' them leaves off o' my maple!" In the middle of his verbal thrashing, Sausage suddenly awakens from another blackout to see that the end of his rake is covered in blood, and leaning against the tree near him is his bloody father. You can see the look of confusion and sadness in Sausage's face, an expression which defines the book's title, "Did I Do That?" I'm really surprised the publishers decided to use such a pivotal point in the story as the cover picture though.

Next up is a book called Sleepover Friends #11: Stephanie's Family Secret, by Susan Saunders.

Pierre and Stephanie are the best of friends. They get along great but they have an insatiable addiction to spying. They spy on the neighbors, their teachers, squirrels in the yard, and even their own parents. You can see Pierre in the cover picture above using his prized binoculars doing just that - catching his parents in the act. "What act might that be?" you may be asking, which is a perfect lead-in to me telling you what act they were doing. They were caught having sex, but not just any sex - they were FURRIES. 

For those of you who don't know (yeah right), furries are people who dress up like their favorite animals and bang each other. Just check out that link in the previous paragraph. Anyway, this wouldn't be THAT unusual, except that Stephanie's parents were there too, along with the family dog and cat. 

That all happens within the first chapter of the book. The rest of the story is mainly focused around Pierre and Stephanie watching every night as their parents and their "sleepover friends" (the book's namesake) all get together and do it like bunnies - literally. The scene captured on the book's cover is from night #143 during a particularly erotic moment of passion. You can see Pierre saying, "That is super hot. My weiner is straight up, like this!" To which Stephanie replies, "I know, right! My nips are straight out, like this!"

Finally, we have Paula Danziger's autobiography, The Cat Ate My Gymsuit.

This book was written in the early '90s during the rise of political correctness. This being a book for young adults, they couldn't openly say words like "vagina" or "cunt," so they instead opted for "cat." From the cover, you can see Paula sitting on the bench of the sauna trying to sweat away those pounds. But more on that in a minute.

Paula's family had never been into the whole "hygiene" thing, so she'd never really learned how to wash herself properly. The kids at school would call her names as she walked by and say mean things, like "As principal, I must suggest you take a shower and change your clothes." Really awful stuff. 

Well, Paula didn't understand what everyone was talking about; she picked the fleas off at least every week, and even used Frontline (when her parents could afford it). So she continued stinking up a storm. Every day for gym class, Paula wore her favorite shorts. She pulled them up and looked at her butt in the mirror, and noticed that they had the word "ASSY" written on them. "Well that's strange," she thought "just last week I could have sworn these shorts said 'SASSY.' Hm." A week later, she checked again, and to her surprise the shorts now simply said "ASS." 

The inevitable had happened. After all the years of not washing herself, her "cat" had finally gotten rancid enough to start eating at her clothes, starting with the letters "S" and "Y." And then, suddenly, the cat ate her gymsuit. A brilliant book title, really. So, seen above, is Paula Danziger sitting in the sauna, in her normal clothes, in thoughtful, stinky bliss. Sitting next to her is a ball of yarn. Ya know, for her "cat." 

This concludes Judging Books by Their Covers! Tune in next time for a few more great titles.

...Please don't judge me.

[Part 2 here!]

Stream of Consciousness!

In a previous post, I unraveled the stream of consciousness ramblings I found imprinted on a cup and saucer I found. A fellow blogger had the idea that we should all do a stream of consciousness blog and then compare and contrast, so that's what I did earlier today. If anyone wants to join in on the fun... it's pretty fun! Although, I must admit, I omitted some of what popped into my head, for which you should go ahead and thank me. 

Today is really boring at work. Not that I’m typing this at work, if any coworkers are reading this. No, really… The pens that the Square D reps gave us are really crappy. Every 8^th click of the pen, the tip gets stuck out. That sounds really dirty, but it’s not. This banana looks pretty good. I’ve been eating a lot of bananas lately. Supposedly they are really good for you. In fact, I read that they should change the saying from “an apple a day…” to “a banana a day keeps the doctor away.” So I’m sold. The price code on bananas is 4011. I know this from my extensive grocery store experience. Price chopper was my first job when I was 15, then I went back when I was about 20, and again when I was 25 when I couldn’t find a job after college. It is frustrating working at a grocery store when you have an Electrical Engineering degree. When I finally found a job I didn’t give my two week notice, but rather a 2 day notice. And I didn’t come in those two days. I almost felt bad, but it was pretty liberating saying I was going to earn in one day at my new job what I made in an entire week at the grocery store. Arc flashes are scary business. I wouldn’t want to be an electrician. My cubicle mate is sick today, I hope I don’t get what she has. I hate being sick, and I always seem to get sick at the most inopportune times. Then again, maybe I’m just a hypochondriac. Allergies are really bad around Northwest Arkansas. A guy came to my door selling internet and TV yesterday. It was really hot outside, so when he shook my hand, my hand came away drenched in his sweat. It was gross. Then he said his allergies were really bad. I didn’t buy his internet because he said I would have to pay like $500 up front. I don’t know how they expect people to be OK with that. I guess there is a place around here called Dogpatch USA. What a weird name. Supposedly it used to be a redneck-themed park, or in other words (since we’re in Arkansas) a park. But that’s just speculation. I want to go to Harry Potter World in Florida and drink butterbeer. I also want to play Dead Space 2, but the friend who has it never lets me come over to play :( I just want to invent something or create something and live off royalties. Or win the lottery. I always play, but never win anything, but that’s OK. I think part of the fun is to be able to say, “If I win the lottery…” which you can’t honestly say if you never play. A couple dollars a week is worth the cheap entertainment to me. Stream of consciousness is kind of hard when your mind is blank. My “cute animals” calendar (which no one seems to find the humor in, except for me) has a really ugly cat for the month of June. I am excited to get to July, but I refuse to look ahead and see what it will be because I like for it to be a surprise every month. It will probably be another donkey or something. I say “another” because one month it was a pony wearing a hat. “Cuz you’re hot then you’re cold, you’re yes then you’re no…” I think I like Katy Perry way more than a 25 year old man should. Guilty pleasure. Which is weird, considering I used to be strictly hard rock. I’ve grown up so much.  Oh man. I don’t know what to do. I have no idea where this scar on my arm came from. Everyone asks me. I think it may have been from a childhood cat or something. It is really interesting because there is a mole ON the scar, which I wouldn’t have thought possible. There is a new restaurant here called Cheezy’s. I really don’t like that name, I think it sounds like a rip off of Cheddar’s. I am, however, intrigued to try their food. I like to try all restaurants, which could get expensive if I let that habit get out of hand. A friend and I are discussing (through text message) the merits of Ramen noodles and draining the water out of it before adding the powder. I had an ex-girlfriend who got mad at me if I drank the Ramen water. She said it had too much sodium. And also, she was crazy. Creamy chicken is the best Ramen flavor, by the way. Tough actin’ Tinactin. I sometimes like dubstep music. It is just so bassy and warbly, I can’t help myself. I set glue spider traps out last night and I caught one this morning. I told my boss about it and when he asked if I caught anything, I told him I caught one and was going to grill him up tonight. He, and other coworkers, just gave me looks like I was crazy, obviously missing the humor or just thinking I’m weird. I am kind of weird. But I like it. At least I’m happy and nice :)

The Secret of the Cup and Saucer!

I can accredit this post to my sister who found this greatest-ever cup and saucer. I was visiting her in Kansas and (surprise, surprise) we went to a thrift store to check out the wares. It turns out, since the Overland Park area has so many rich people, their thrift stores have way more/better quality stuff. In Arkansas I mostly just find chipped Precious Moments figurines and broken fondue sets.

Anyway, this is my tribute to the greatest cup and saucer ever made. I say this not only because I have never felt any emotion toward a cup and saucer before now, but because this particular set holds a secret message imprinted into it! Take a look:

I will forgive its puke-green color

I have previously confessed my love for personal mementos found at thrift stores, so finding this made for a happy day. I'll be honest though, I was hoping for the message said something like, "I can't stand living in this house anymore. Susan just won't shut up, and all these cats are driving me insane! I want to leave but I know they're still watching me. I'll just have to take care of Susan and each one of those cats myself..." 

Instead, I feel like this guy (and I do think the artist is a guy, but I don't know why) was in an art class or something and just putting down whatever popped into his head at the time, which seems kind of lame until you realize that each one of these letters had to be put into the wet clay cup/saucer one letter at a time. And there are over 1000 characters imprinted into the cup and saucer (thank you MS Word). 

I am going to transcribe the entire secret message below, but will add any punctuation and spacing that will make it easier to read. I am keeping the typos and grammar errors though, just because. 

"I am going to try to spiral this one. I hope it works out. Michelle is writing down something. It's time for lunch. Back from lunch. It was OK. Acredidation guy talked to Roy, Jason, Sara, and me about our department. I would like to go outside but the cup will dry too fast. Damn. Rob is talking about a English teacher who has three different toupees. Actually more like a full wig. Karen is talking about Mimi's armpits and also ingrown hairs. Yuck. Victor is watching me and says he's being hypnotized. I dunno what to put on here. Kaori is casting. Gabriel is throwing Becca too. Victor is talking about hickeys. This is my last cup. This makes me happy. I need to do somethig new....."

Can you read this?

"We're talking about Days of Our Lives and how Marlena was possessed by the devil. There's computer chip in John's and Princess Gina's head. Stepheno is the evil one obsessed with Marlena and locked in a cage. I started to cry I was laughing so hard. It's Michelle and Becca's favorite soap, they tape it everyday. Now stories of deceiving parents. This is too funny. Now it's onto car explosions and accidents. I want to go outside. Driver's training stories and about the work horse and Cathy drove over the ladies lawn to impress Jordan... I just stopped watching the sexy bachelor thing. It was real bad."

If that isn't prime entertainment, I don't know what is. Or maybe I'm just really strange and get my kicks in unusual ways. Either way, kudos to whoever made this, and even more kudos to whoever felt it wasn't worth keeping and donated it to the thrift store. You never know what you'll find.

Thrift Store Adventures: Random!

I'm too tired to come up with a clever theme tonight, so here are a few random/awesome things I've stumbled across recently! 

OK, let's start things off with a bang. Or maybe a scream.

This quaint little piece of art not only speaks to my heart, but also eats my soul. Upon closer inspection, I saw that it is an actual painting, not a print! I clearly had to have it - until an even closer inspection revealed some numbers randomly placed on the canvas, barely visible through the paint. A paint-by-numbers painting. Clown, you failed at your job of making me happy and made me sad. But that's not the reason I'm crying; you are simply frightening. 

After collecting my tears, I walked by some mugs and noticed this little gem:

I would love to take this mug to work, just to watch the faces of my co-workers! It would make sense seeing as how I already have a calender of "cute animals" in my cubicle, which gets me plenty of odd looks. My particular sector of humor, unfortunately, misses the general public. Inside the mug was a really sweet note, which I will transcribe below (OK, this is not true, but I really want it to be):

"Dear Jacob, last night was uber-terrific! :) Thanks for finally bringing out Mr. SmellyMuffin - what a great costume, and such an artful way to incorporate the neighbor's dog! Anyway, I saw this mug and thought you'd like it, although I wish it said "Stinking of You" instead ;)"

Ahh, young love. Speaking of which...

Considering the fact that I'm in the middle of the Bible Belt and the fact that it's probably not hard to find me in real life from this blog, I will leave it up to you, Dear Reader, to make the connection between this kid's pose and facial expression and the fact that Jesus is sometimes called the "invisible presence." Special friend, indeed!

This next item just rubbed me the wrong way.

Click the picture and get a nice, full look at this "art." The back of this... thing... says that it is "dough art" and that in order to keep it in prime condition, you should brush some oil on it once in a while. I'm guessing the previous owners of this plaque neglected to rub the oil on this naked family, which is why it looks like they all have scabies. Let me list the reasons why this thing creeps me out:

1) Their eyes: They have soulless black hollows where their eyes should be, which is kind of disturbing.

2) Their hair: It looks like they are all using ground beef as wigs, each in varying stages of freshness.

3) Their incest: The whole family is rub-a-dub-dubbing in the tub, dog included. Taking baths with the entire family is pretty questionable behavior according to how I was raised. It's probably how they all got scabies in the first place.

I hate that thing.

Finally, we have a book that goes against the grain and actually shows the trouble with rape.

Since rape is fast becoming a favorite pastime for us denizens of Earth, the author of this book looks past all of the good, and gives us a look at the ugly side of rape. The smaller text in the bottom left corner says "A psychologist's report on the legal, medical, social, and psychological problems." Problems? With rape? Shocking!

This book may be legitimate psychology book (I don't know, I didn't even read the back cover) but it seems like it is trying to dissuade the public from raping everyone. It's kind of funny to imagine a potential rapist reading this book to help him decide whether or not to violently sexually molest someone. What's sad is that this book was in a thrift store, meaning someone once owned this, perhaps weighing his pros and cons. Glad we have such academic rapists here in Arkansas!

Thoughts from the Cube!

Work is... well, work. So when something interesting happens there, I take note. Here are a few interesting things that happened last week.

I sit right next to the printer at work, which, although sometimes handy, is usually really annoying. Not only do I hear the thing going off about 10,000 times throughout the day, but I have to be more careful about what is on my computer screen for fear that someone is watching me work while waiting for their prints. The other day the printer started malfunctioning. I wasn't paying any attention to this, but the IT guy came over and someone explained the problem to him.

This is what I heard: "The printer keeps printing 'N-word.'"

This had obviously piqued my interest! I was really excited to see our hilariously racist printer calling my fellow coworkers derogatory names, so I spun around hoping to catch some of the action for myself. Well I guess the printer isn't racist, but just boring and annoying as always. Instead of spitting the prints out like normal, the paper was curling up inside the printer. "Ohhhh, Not 'N-word," I thought, "'INWARD.'" Boo.

So I continued my day as normal. I had to print out a set of engineering drawings on the plotter in the work room, so I was waiting for those to print and checking out all the supplies. That's when I saw these puppies:

Giant scissors! While you may not think these are very interesting, I was stricken with a giddiness that is not easily achieved at work. Thoughts of Edward Scissorhands crossed my mind, and so did the simple fact that these were just cartoonishly large scissors. 

After enjoying that (very) small delight, I went to the bathroom. While sitting there, I looked down and noticed something that struck me as slightly disturbing; some guy had chewed off his fingernails and spit them on the ground in front of the toilet.

There were five total nails (one didn't make the shot) which means that he bit off the nails of one entire hand... but not the other! While pooping! I don't know why he spit them on the ground instead of in the toilet. I only hope he did this before he wiped.

That reminds me of seeing burger wrappers in the trashcan next to the toilet at fast food restaurants. I've seen it more than once. There are actually people who eat burgers while taking a dump, which is way worse than biting your nails on the pot. There are too many reasons to list why eating food while making a BM is disgusting. I just wonder what the other people in the bathroom thought when they heard poopy sounds followed by chomping and chewing. 

Probably about the same as  the people who heard poopy sounds followed by a camera going off (as the person on the other side takes pictures of fingernails on the ground). Whoops.

Stupid Kids in my Neighborhood - The Tire Swing!

I have written about these dumb kids several times now, and it appeared as though they weren't getting any smarter. But on my way to work this morning, I noticed something. Something that may, in fact, be a redeeming quality. Remember the tall-ass tree they were climbing? Well I saw that they were trying to build something - there was a pile of rocks around the tree and some chairs. Maybe they were making a fort? Then I noticed they added a tire swing, something not just any Arkansan child can do. Then I drove a bit closer and saw the tire swing in all its glory:

Haha, just kidding, I knew this thing was crap the second I saw it

Yes, that is a BICYCLE tire swing. While still technically a "tire swing," it kind of misses the point. And the fact that I live in Arkansas shows itself again. Sorry for the bad picture; I had to zoom in quite a bit because I thought that walking up and taking pictures in some random little kids' play area seemed creepier than I prefer to be.

Fiction Time: Lisa's Vegas Journey!

A few days ago, a friend asked me if she'd told me about a strange incident she had at the Las Vegas airport. She said, "Ya know, the one with the butch lesbian? In the airport?" I said she hadn't told me, so she said that it was a must-hear story, but she had to tell me in person or else it would lose some of its luster. "But," she said,"I'd like to hear your version of what you think happened. It starts with a butch lesbian in the Las Vegas airport, and ends with my underwear setting off the metal detector."

Challenge accepted. I somehow had to fill in the gaps between the butch lesbian and the metal underwear. I opened up MS Word and just went to town without any forethought to the story. I changed her name in the story to preserve anonymity. Haha, just kidding, I totally used her real name. Here is what I came up with, in my first-ever fictional story on this site:

Lisa in Vegas

Lisa was sitting on her orange daffodil couch watching Scooby Doo re-runs and eating caramel rice cakes when she got a call on her landline. “Congratulations! You have just won a free iPod Nano!” Well, she thought it was too good to be true, and perhaps it was; two months previously, while browsing the web looking for new Santa Claus bed sheets, she had gotten the same message in a pop-up ad. When she clicked on it she found out that she had to become a secret shopper for a Don Horse’s Lubes ‘n’ Things franchise for a week to qualify. And she did not care for Don Horse one bit.

Still, she had a desperate desire for a new iPod after she inexplicably skipped hers across the lake, mistaking it for “the perfect skipping rock,” a week earlier. Her interest piqued, she listened for more information. She pressed 1 for English, and heard a recording telling her that if she simply went to Las Vegas, listened to a 9 hour presentation on a time share for a cabin in the Nevada desert, and used at least $50 on the slot machines, she would be eligible to be in a drawing for a chance to win a free iPod Nano!

So she packed her bags, making sure to take TEDDY WEDDY, and got ready. She wanted to impress the presenters, so she knew she would need to get all gussied up; she made sure to wear her best potato sack, elf ears, and Garfield slippers. “Oh, one more thing!” she said excitedly, “My platinum vajazzled lingerie!”

Upon getting to the airport, she realized she was hungry; she needed Sbarro. In her eyes, they made nothing but the best-ever pizza, and to-die-for pastas. She especially loved how bland it was and made her feel like puking while travelling through the air at mach 1. And so she ate. And so her destiny was set.

She got to Las Vegas, thinking of nothing more but finding the nearest restroom to expel the gurgling mass writhing in her stomach. She pushed through the crowd without bias; little kids and grandmas were fair game as her focus was narrowly set on getting to the restroom. About halfway to her destination she knocked over a tall, wide set woman, Butchtina Mann. Butchtina was visiting Vegas for the annual Female Lumberjacks’ convention, in which she was guest of honor for her work in the Canadian Redwood Forest; she really knew how to swing a chainsaw. But Butchtina did not mind getting toppled because, at that moment, lumberjacking was but a distant echo in her mind; all she could think about was the gorgeous potato sacked/elf eared/Garfield slippered slice of heaven that bounded so gracefully through the crowd. She had to meet her.

In Lisa’s haste, she had forgotten to close the restroom stall door, and so when Butchtina followed her into the restroom, she saw that Lisa was kneeling before the metal toilet in the Vegas airport. Butchtina entered the stall and slowly closed the door. “Is this seat taken?” Asked Butchina, to which Lisa replied, “Nblar shrrrvdd hhgguh.” To Butchtina, it was love. She sat on the toilet, spreading her legs wide to make room for her new friend. It was romantic the way that at the exact same moment Lisa vomited into the toilet, Butchtina would spit her chew into it. It was as if their brains were working as one. Or so Butchtina thought.

“Uhhh… What are you doing in here?” asked Lisa when she was finally finished with her Sbarro meal. “Sugarplum, don’t fight it. You’s and I both know we feel it.” And she went in for a kiss. Although it was hard for Lisa to resist, she was allergic to flannel, which Butchtina was donning from head to toe. Lisa crawled under the restroom door and out into the airport terminal, in a half-daze.

Being caught off-guard and reacting poorly to the flannel, all Lisa could think about was the iPod, so she headed straight for the meeting. Luckily, the presentation was being held in the airport smoking lounge which was right across the hall. As Lisa opened the door, smoke billowed out of the room. Everyone in the room stared at her as she walked in, annoyed looks on their faces; she was late! She cursed the airport-food gods and headed in to sit down. At that instant, Butchtina tackled her and put her in an inverted Indian deathlock. “I just love the chase, how’d you know, sugar britches?” Butchtina said, as tobacco-laced spittle peppered Lisa’s face. “You just sit tight, girl, I gots a present for you!” She climbed off of Lisa and reached into the front pocket of her flannel jacket and produced two airplane tickets. “You an’ me’s gonna go to Kansas City!” She hollered, holding out the tickets proudly.

A stroke of fortune! Lisa was from Kansas City! This was her chance - she’d come for the iPod Nano but had gotten much, much more. She knew she had to act fast to escape Butchtina’s muscley grasp, so she snagged the tickets from Butchtina’s nicotine-stained fingers and ran out the door. “Last chance, boarding for Kansas City.” The overhead speakers rang. What luck! This is exactly the break Lisa needed. She ran for the terminal with Butchtina hot on her trail. The airport attendants were just shutting the gate and Lisa was sure to barely make it. Just then the metal detector went off and a fat, sweaty man stepped in her way. As Lisa bounced off of him, she noted he smelled distinctly like Dr. Pepper. “Sorry, missy. Metal detector went off. I gotta give you a ‘special search.’”

Lisa had lost her chance. Butchtina had caught her. In her misery, she could only think one thing: Why did she have to pick today to wear her platinum vajazzled lingerie?!

The End.

Surprisingly enough, her real story was quite a bit different than what's above. She's supposedly going to write about the real events on her blog, but has yet to do so. If that happens, I'll link to the story so you can compare and contrast, but until then, watch out for those Vegas airports...

Thrift Store Adventures: Book Edition Vol. 3!

As you may have noticed, I really enjoy finding strange books at thrift stores. There is practically an infinite amount of books at thrift stores, and a pretty good number of odd/creepy/funny books among them, leading to an infinite number of lawlz to be had. Here are some good ones from my latest journey.

First up, we have an enlightening and entertaining book called "Hug a Tree, And Other Things To Do Outdoors With Young Children."

Get a room

Other than mistakenly capitalizing prepositions in their title, this book seems pretty awesome. I cannot freaking wait to open the book and see all the other fun suggestions to do with some young children outdoors when the activity on the cover is HUGGING A TREE! This is sure to be a page-turner. And just look at the cover kid; he's topless, and i'm pretty sure shorts that short are illegal. But he's having a great time huggin' that tree!

I notice that it took three authors to write this book. I imagine they had a pretty epic brainstorming session:

"OK, so let's think about this. Imagine you're walking through the park and you see some great young children you want to impress. Clearly, the first thing you'd do is hug a tree, but what else can we add that's fun and exciting..?" 

"Oh! How about rolling around in the grass!" 

"Great idea! And maybe talking to the flowers!" 

"I like the way your brains work. Throw in picking up rocks and I think we've got a bestseller!"

Next, we have an inspiring book called "It Can't Hurt Forever." 

There are many things to ponder about this one. The book didn't have anything on the cover, but that is the first page. It looks like a kid on dialysis with his shirt pulled up with a sad-faced doctor sitting next to him. I have no idea what this book is about, but from the looks of the picture and from the title, that kid is fucked. Maybe literally, if Sad-Faced Doctor is actually Lusty-Faced Doctor. I don't know, I can't make much of a conjecture on that.

The first line of the book is this: "Day 1: Mom promised me I won't die." Uh oh. His mom is clearly feeding him a line of crap. First off, it looks like he's going to die. Second, the title is saying that it can't hurt forever, which is probably a spoiler for the ending, where he dies (a.k.a. it stops hurting). Thirdly, everyone dies, so his mom is full of shit regardless. 

I love finding really old computer/technology books that had no idea how lame they were at the time. Unfortunately this one was mostly boring, and talked about newsgroups and stuff. It's called "The Internet: Complete Reference." I did, however, flip through it and find one great chapter:

Wow! It's like it read my mind, this is my ultimate goal! Who knew I could complete it online...

This next one is called, "Coping with the Drug Culture: Is Your Family Turned On?"

Apparently they used the term "turned on" instead of "doing drugs" or "getting blitzed" in the '60s (I'm guessing it's the '60s, judging by the colors and font). Still, it's worth noting that the title of this book is fucking hilarious. I guess if your entire family is acting like a bunch of nymphomaniacs, you can usually assume they are on drugs. Probably ecstasy. My dog humped my leg once, he must have been on drugs.

Here is a really stupid "joke" book called "GR8 Jokes :-)" 

Let me tell you, none of these jokes are GR8 in any way. The book cover looks like a Nokia 3310 and every joke is in text-speak, which basically means you can't read them. (Un) Fortunately, they translate what each text message means. They fail to translate what the jokes mean though. Take a look:

As you can see, none of those jokes are decipherable without the translations, and even translated the mick-shaws joke makes no sense to me, but I know it's something racist. Can anyone explain that one?

Lastly, we have a disturbing book entitled "Parents Cry Too!" 

When you look at this cover, you may notice a few things:

• The parents must have been 60 when this kid was born
• The baseball, bat, and glove are freaking HUGE!
• The kid has no hands

Wait, what? Yeah, if you look, you'll see that the kid has no freakin' hands, just some nubs wrapped up in tape. I'm assuming that the parents are crying because their son didn't like his birthday gift, which makes them sad. But then again, what kind of asshole parents would give their handless kid some giant baseball equipment? And it had to be the parents that left that stuff there, because that kid sure as heck didn't put it there; he has no hands. 

Anyway, I really don't know what this crazy book is about, but the cover sure is funny. The boy looks to be about in the puberty range, so I wonder about the mechanics of his "urges." And now that I think about it, he would not benefit from chapter 8 of the internet reference book.