Before we get started, I’d just like to say that this may be my creepiest post to date! Not a creepy that will make you say, “Shit, now I have nightmares,” but more like a creepy that will make you ask, “Why is this guy looking up kids on Facebook?” The answer is because I found some diaries and journals at the thrift stores!
My original idea was to share some of the funnier parts of the journals with you guys and make fun of them, and I’ll still do that! But then I realized how sensitive some of the information in these journals is, and that the parents obviously didn’t check to see what they were tossing out. There are things like names, phone numbers, physical descriptions, and other personal stuff. I can easily see some pedo old man with a mustache getting ahold of these and obsessing over the journals’ authors. THAT is the creepy part. Parents need to be careful about what they’re giving away, sheesh!
So I’ve come up with a test to see just how bad the parents are; I’m going to use my best internet skills and try to find these people on Facebook. If I find them, they lose. Or Pedobear wins. I don’t really know. Let’s get started!
The first one up is called coke or pepsi? 1000 coke or pepsi questions 2 ask your friends.
It sounds awful, I know, and it’s about as bad as it sounds. It is just a bunch of questions like, “What’s your favorite food?” and stuff like that. Here is an example:
They are the same questions asked over and over, and I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to get your friends to each fill out the questions, but considering the top-notch educational system here in Arkansas, this girl filled out the whole book. The same questions over and over, with misspelled, contradicting answers. There are a couple pages her friends fill out, but the vast majority is just one girl.
I thumbed through the pages and will share some of my favorite tidbits about our author:
- "Your favorite article of clothing - Tangdop." What in the fuck is a tangdop? And where can I get one?
- "Favorite school subject - Math." Oh, so maybe she's a smart girl.
- "Name of future girl - Angle." Nope.
- "Worst movie ever - The Gradion." I guess I missed that one...
- "I wish someone would invent - A maid that did anything anywhere." That's exactly what I want, too! Mmm...
- "What are you good at - Teinnes." Glad she didn't say "Spelling."
- "Just say no to - Drugs and boys." Everyone knows "no" means "yes."
- "I can't stand the smell of - Dogzilla's crap." Hahaha.
- "I don't understand - Aciton figers." Me either, is that Latin?
- "I would love to travel back to - 15 years old, 1983." If she was 15 in 1983, she's 43 now, and can't spell for shit. Which wouldn't surprise me, being in Arkansas and all.
- "I would love to time-travel back to - Africa." Huh?
- "I would love to time-travel forward to - China." Right.
- "I'm really good at - banging." Not even gonna go there.
Creep-Test: From the book, she wrote (about a million times) her name and her birthday. Let's see what we find... Yep, found her.
Confidence Level: 97% - She had the exact same name and was FB friends with all the people she talked about in the book.
Considering I found this Facebook page legally, using information that was donated to charity and that I paid for, I could probably show her name and stuff, but it's better safe than sorry; I don't want these people accidentally stumbling across this page and trying to sue me. Plus it's slightly less creepy? Maybe?
The next one is called
Lilly’s West-Virginia Trip! Ashley Blake in Paridise. It is just some pink pages that I found in between a math equations book and a book about a magical tree house.
I couldn’t believe my luck when I spotted these pages, and I wondered how much they were charging for some torn out pages. Instead of asking, I put the pages inside of another book and bought that, mostly because I felt way too creepy trying to purchase some little girl’s diary pages.
I may have fit right in though, because there were two guys using iPhones with special external attachments who were scanning each and every book’s barcode. I guess they were trying to find books that were worth money, but they were acting really fishy and they seemed like they were doing something wrong. I wanted to ask them what they were up to but they looked like huge d-bags so I just kept quiet.
Anyway, I’ll provide the pictures of this one along with the entire book transcribed below. The pics will be really small because I know no one will read them, but click to enlarge them 'fyunto. For easier reading, I’ll fix minor spelling and grammar mistakes (but keep any funny ones). Beware, this chick uses exclamation marks like a hipster uses irony. A lot, and incorrectly.
Good news. It was an ordinary day at school listening to hours of math and all those other subjects. “I want to go to go to Hawaii some day.” Her friend Amber said “me too.” “Me three” said the teacher to the principal for talking during a test! “Huh!” said Amber and Ashley going the hall. She stopped at the office. She went in and her parents were there! They were talking about something. When they were done, Ashley’s parents gasped, “Ashley and Amber, why are you here?” “Uh,” she said nervously.
“we were just coming up because we talked during a test.” Grounded for a week! But no buts! Go to the principal and talk! Okay. “Now, why are you here?” said the principal! “You heard,” said Amber. “We talked during a test!” “Go do not do it again! Go back to class.” And opened the door. Sit down and finish the test! What do you get if you have 99 + 100 = ___?
105 109 109!
She answered the third one! The next question said, now about you. Where is your favorite place you want to go? She had a smile! She wrote “Hawaii!” “You’re done! Time’s up, pencils down. Time for lunch!” She went out for lunch and ate at Taco Bell! Her parents were there. “I have good news,” said her mother, “We’re going to Hawaii! This has been my dream to go to there! When school is done come home and pack your bags. We’re going there tomorrow and staying there for 3 weeks! When school was done she rode the bus.
She was gonna get her driver’s licenses in 5 weeks! The bus ride home was unusual! The bus driver brought her kids, they were only 4! They went crazy! She even brought food for them. The worst thing was that they changed the stops and Ashley’s used to be first but now it’s last. The bus finally came to her stop! When she got home her parents were there! They said, “Go pack your bags.”
Chapter 2: Packing
[The dialogue in this chapter is impossible to decipher and did not come with any quotation marks, so I didn’t add any as I did in chapter 1]
So she went up stairs and packed! Okay, now what do I want to pack? Definitely packing jewelry! Clothes, clean underwear and toothpaste. And tooth brush. Also makeup and…
I will never forget you! I don’t’ know why people don’t have one? Uh they’re in college like me and you! Oh like you don’t have one. What’s its name? Mr. Snuggle Wuggle! Fine but don’t tell anyone.
Oh don’t worry, I will! Just go back to packing! I already finished. There there little sister yelled ZOO ZOO! Okay, we’ll go! So their mom drove them there. They got there. Where do you want to go first? Giraffe! Okay! Let’s go! So they went to the giraffe!
That’s where the story ends. I was going to commentate throughout the story, but I think it really speaks for itself. This book clearly deserves a Pulitzer prize, or at the very least a William Allen White Award.
Creep-Test: This one was a little bit more difficult. I didn't really have much to go on, but I put on my best detective hat, and got to work. This is what I came up with:
Confidence Level: 65% - It's not a very high level of confidence, and she looks a lot like a gussied-up Johnny Depp, but I'm pretty sure it's her. Even though it says she lives nowhere near where I bought her "book." The reason I think it's her is because every name mentioned in those pages is in her friends list.
Finally, we have the magnum creepus: Your Heiress Diary by Paris Hilton:
This is a basically a diary for the rich, popular, and vain, and our author ate it up. She filled out most of it, including phone numbers, e-mail addresses, and physical descriptions of her and her friends. Here's an example of what is inside:
Some things I now know about the author:
- She used to be in love with Orlando Bloom, but is now obsessed with Jac Efron.
- She is obsessed with High School Musical.
- She gets upset because her parents make fun of her [hahaha].
- She has a lot of sex dreams with Zac Efron.
- She basically wants to follow in Paris Hilton's footsteps. So maybe she'll get to make her Zac dreams come true. On film
She also has a bunch of great original quotes. Really, words to live by, such as:
"In the world of men there are 3 categories: boys, men, and heart-throbs, soo... Which one do you think you should choose?!?" - K
Creep-Test: This one was super easy. Boom:
Ooooo yeahhhh, looks like she chose heart-throb!
Seems as though the diary did the trick, she looks kinda rich, popular, and vain.
Confidence Level: 99.9% - I'm a scientist so I know it's about impossible to be 100% confident, but everyone knows 99.9 is the new 100.
Writing this post has taught me a few things. 1) Thrift stores will try and sell you just about anything. 2) Facebook stalking young strangers feels kind of... wrong. 3) You can find ANYONE on the internet, even with only limited information (or in K's case, ALL information). Trust me, try searching yourself on this website. Yikes.