Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Thrift Store Adventures: Creepy Things!

I had a surprisingly creepy trip to the ol' thrifties last week, which is exactly what I hope for. It's a lot of fun, but I get some odd looks from customers while I'm laughing at and taking pictures of the products. I'm gonna go out on a limb, though, and say the vast majority of thrift patrons don't notice me or don't care that I'm making fun of their lifestyle.

For instance, a couple weeks ago a really old (and really redneck) couple were milling around while I was looking for some interesting books to write about. Thrift people are normally pretty entertaining to watch, but I had just found some great/terrible books so my attention was entirely on the books, until I heard a cackling voice say, "These things are great! It looks like I could reach right out and hit him!" I looked to my left and saw, about 40 feet away, a dusty old woman staring straight at me with binoculars. My eyes widened at first, because, what the fuck? But then I couldn't help but laugh and stare back at them. The old man then took the binoculars, looked at me through them, and then agreed that it did, in fact, look like he could reach out and hit me. With no further acknowledgement they simply set the binoculars down and continued shopping.

Anyway, here are some creepy items I found during my most recent day at the thrift mines. First up is a pewter statue of a girl doing a curtsy or something. After writing that sentence I realized that that was the first time I'd ever written the word "curtsy." What a dumb word.

This figure looks pretty normal at first, and the only reason I gave it more than a glance is because a rather enormous girl was giving me lusty eyes and coming my way, so I picked it up to look distracted. The statue is glued to a wooden base with a nameplate attached which reads

22 X 84"

That is the first thing that caught my attention. I assume M. Luisa is the girl's name maybe? But what in the heck does 22 X 84 mean? I have some ideas. 22 times 84 is 1848, so M. Luisa was probably an autistic girl who performed her first curtsy (gah!) in 1848. That is also the year Karl Marx published The Communist Manifesto, so she could just be bowing for communism. 

Getting a closer look still, and I noticed that, no, she's not a communist. She's just a burn victim.


That's one creepy-ass face. This statue is a mystery to me, so any insight from you guys is welcome.

The next item is a lovely elderly woman with a pretty blue muumuu. Wow, first "curtsy," now "muumuu!" I'm having a very first-timey day. 

Anyway, I checked out this picture because I noticed a woman taking a picture of it with her phone - that's what I do! I was going to ask her if she was collecting material like I was, but just then her beefy/tattooed/ intimidating boyfriend walked up and started talking to her, so I guess it will have to be another mystery. I assume she just couldn't resist this old woman's allure. 

But that picture isn't as creepy as the picture that was underneath it:

I see they do all their clothing shopping at Tablecloths & Doilies R Us. As always, I wonder how these pictures ended up at the thrift store. My theory is that the old woman above was driving these kids to T&DRU one day and one of the lenses fell out of her giant purple glasses. While bending down to pick it up, one of her big hair-sprayed curls got caught on the wheel and as she brought her head back up, the hair turned the wheel, and over the cliff they went. Having no use for pictures of homely people anymore, Grandpa donated these pictures. He was feeling generous.

Here is a great light cover I found:

Just think of the poor kid who got stuck with this thing on his ceiling. I can only imagine what this terror must have looked like when the light was turned on, giving its sexy-eyes to the child below, spilling its sexy-light all over the kid's bed. What a perv. I thought about buying this for about .5 second before realizing that 1) I didn't have a red screw for its nose, and 2) absolutely no one else on Earth would understand the humor in a 25 year old man with this thing hanging in his room.

[EDIT] After a quick Google search, I found a clown light cover that is possibly even creepier than the one above. The same story still applies though. 

Finally, we have the creepiest find of the day: 

Ho-Lee-Shit. I found this behind a bunch of other items, which is not surprising considering the amount of soul eating this thing does. There are so many things to say about this bizarre piece, so I'll just get right into it.

1) Her eyes. The "artist" carved out her eyes and they are just hollow voids in her face. It also appears as though someone has cut off her eyelids, but they missed a spot; you can see a flap still hanging there over her left eye hole. Her whole facial expression just screams "join me in Hell."

2) Her puppy. Why is she holding her dog like that? I've never held my pets like that unless I was sacrificing them, so I'm 100% sure that's what she's doing here. The puppy is clearly an offering to the god of Creep-Fuck for some new legs. Which brings me to my next point.

3) Her legs. At first I thought she was kneeling, but those are definitely just stumps. By the way, I was thinking of adding a link to a picture of a girl with stumps for legs as a comparison to this statue, but instead I urge you to do this: Go to Google Images, turn off SafeSearch, type in "no legs girl," and enjoy the ride. 

To sum it up, this is a statue, that someone actual created, which depicts a girl with no eyes, eyelids, or legs, sacrificing her little puppy to some unknown deity. And she's wearing a potato sack. This item was interesting to buy, but I didn't because I didn't want that nasty thing in my house.


  1. Whoa, the last thing was the creepiest.

  2. I wish I could have that much fun in a thrift store. I usually end up disappointed that I couldn't find any thrifty things and a smell that won't leave my nose for a week.