Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Thrift Store Adventures: Cats, Smirks, and Devil Trees!

In this edition of Thrift Store Adventures, we will visit a few items that are questionable to buy at a thrift store. Even more questionable is the fact that someone decided to donate these items thinking someone else would enjoy them. More questionable still, is that someone bought these items new assuming that a loved one or themselves would enjoy these strange pieces of wonder. I, however, do not question such things, because I am now enjoying these thrift store items more than a 25 year old male probably should.

First up, we have a gorgeous wooden picture frame with cutouts of cats. The frame would be just darling by itself, but what I like about it is that the previous owner left most of the pictures of her cats in the frame.

In the upper left we see a yellow cat looking up, with an outlet/receptacle in the background. Totally frame-worthy. To the right of that we see a cat looking slightly off to its right. Such a pose is reminiscent of various emo girls' Facebook profiles. At the lower left we have a cat laying seductively on a blanket with its underbelly showing. Meeeyow ;) The picture to the lower right is a bit hard to see, but if you click on the picture you'll see two unsuspecting cats. Above them, a woman's hand holding what I can only assume to be a pillow which she will then use to euthanize those poor kitties. The previous frame's owner is sick, why would she want to commemorate the last moment's of these cats' lives right before they are murdered? Who knows. 

Even sadder than kittens getting suffocated is the fact that the center picture is missing! All of the previous five cats were all different specimens, so the owner is obviously a crazy cat lady, and whatever picture was in the middle had to be a different cat/cats, and it must have been epic. What cat picture could out-awesome the beloved cat-looking-up-with-receptacles shot? Unfortunately, you and I will never know. But it must have been incredible.

Next, we have a jar I found. 

Pretty standard looking jar, sure. It features some soldiers all lined up around the perimeter of the jar, each with an oh-shit face. It's like they're about to witness someone accidentally push their grandma's wheelchair over a cliff. But wait, what's this - the guy on the left is smiling! Out of all the worried looking soldiers, only one looks happy about the whole state of affairs. Perhaps he put a hit out on the old lady? Maybe it's just a really nice day in JarLand. Maybe he is a little "slow" and just doesn't feel the tension in the air like everyone else. 

I have lots of questions about this jar. Why do they all look like someone is about to find their stash of dead hookers? And why is there one guy going against the grain? Is it a statement on society and how we all follow what's popular, and while we think that being trendy will make us happy it really makes us bare our teeth and look left, but if you don't follow the crowd you will be happy? Well that doesn't make sense, because Smiley is wearing exactly what everyone else is wearing. He's a consumer whore just like the rest of us, he can't fool me.

Lastly, we have a tree candle straight from hell. With a swan.

Out of all three items, this is the only one I bought, because... look at it! It's a candle of a tree eating a swan! This is why I go to thrift stores, so I can find ultra weird stuff like this. There are no markings on the candle so I don't know if it is handmade or widely produced, but in either case, why? Why does this exist? The swan is made out of plastic, too, so when the candle burns down that far, your house goes with it. That's why this tree is the devil. That and the fact that it's super effing creepy. There is evidence that this candle was once much larger, but the top has been cut off of it, leaving just the freaky-ass base, which is unfortunate. I would have liked to see the full nightmare-inducing product

So let's light this sucker up and see what it can do!

...holy shit

Jesus F, that's just awful. It comes complete with glowing eyes. The first thing I thought of when I saw this was the giant skull in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, where Indy had to steal those glowing Sankara Stones.

You have to admit, with the glowing eyes, they could be related.

Thus ends another fruitful journey to the local thrift stores. If I don't post again, blame it on the devil tree candle with swan.

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