Monday, November 21, 2011

Stupid Things I Thought as a Child!

I apologize for my blog-posting hiatus - Skyrim has been sucking up all my social and blogging time, which I am generally okay with, but I feel bad for neglecting Bloggy so today I'm writing a guilt-post.

Most of you probably know about my distaste for the kids in my neighborhood and the fact that I think kids in general aren't very bright. Here I'm going to show you (yet again) that I was certainly no exception. I was simply too young to understand how the world worked, which is understandable, but looking back on these moments makes me laugh at my own confusion. Oh, I was REALLY weird, too.

I could not draw the number 5. This is one of my earliest memories. I was in the kitchen doodling something that probably didn't make sense (for example, I once found a drawing I made of the "dog president of the United States," which had 6 legs, a top hat, and two beards). My dad and older brother were working on something on the back deck when I asked, "Dad, how do you draw a 5?" to which he distractedly replied, "First, draw a line going from right to left, then draw a line going down off the first line, and then draw a half-circle off of that line." Here is a dramatization of my 5 being drawn:

Hey, alright! So far so good...

Uh oh... this ship is sinking fast.

...I'm an idiot. 

After drawing my hieroglyphic, I said to my dad, "Like this?" proudly displaying my sad lack of education. I just remember him saying, "Nooo.." and my brother laughing. 

I didn't understand what "reproductive organs" were. I remember once asking my dad why we had to wear clothes and cover up our "weiners and boobs." He answered in a straightforward but short way with, "People don't want to see other people's reproductive organs." Well, I never got "the talk" and this was way before sex ed, so I was not up to par on my hip sexual lingo. I didn't know what a "reproductive organ" was, but I DID try and piece together what he meant. 

"Well... why don't we cover our mouths then?" I queried. "The mouth is not a reproductive organ." He said, clearly not wanting to get into the conversation. Perhaps I was too young, but I remember being angry that he was being short with me and trying to change the subject. "It PRODUCES saliva! And when you throw up, you RE-produce your food! And what about your eyes? Your eyes reproduce tears!" I was so confused. Dad ended up getting angry himself (and embarrassed) and telling me that we just have to wear clothes and we'll go to jail if we don't. 

I thought that drinking ANYTHING while driving was illegal. I'd heard the PSAs - I knew that drinking and driving was illegal and would probably end up killing anyone who did it. So when I would ride anywhere with my parents I thought they were huge criminals/murderers. "Dad, you can't drink and drive!" I'd always say when he'd take a drink of his tea. He always assured me that you just aren't supposed to drink alcohol and drive, but I didn't really understand the concept of alcohol when I was really young, so I thought that maybe taking a drink would distract the driver which would cause a wreck. Well if drinking alcohol will distract the driver, tea or pop could do the same thing, right!? I wasn't buying the whole "it's only alcohol" bit - heck, I didn't want to end up a skeleton!

Seriouly, watch that link, it's terrifying when you're a child.

I thought my parents could read my mind. Anytime I was lying or did something wrong my parents always seemed to know, so I naturally thought they could read my thoughts and when I was around them they could just sift through my mind and that's how they always caught me. I never thought about the fact that I was child number 4 and they'd already seen my shenanigans from my siblings. 

Anytime I knew I did something wrong I would "block" my mind when I was around my parents and just think about other things. I specifically remember my go-to thought was of a red remote controlled car. No idea why, but that's what I would think about. I never LIED but just avoided thinking about my scandals (my very first lie is a whole other story). 

I thought I could pull things from my dreams into existence. I've discussed the fact that I used to watch horror movies at a very young age, so while I can't be certain, this confusion might stem from Nightmare on Elm Street, where the protagonist grabs onto Freddy Krueger in a dream and then wakes up, bringing him into real life where she can then defeat him. 

I clearly remember believing that if I held onto something in my dream, when I woke up, I would still be holding the object. I tried this several times, with no success, but did that get me down? No. I kept trying, like a moron. I would always be so disappointed when I woke up empty handed! I specifically remember trying this with a pocket knife and a toy firetruck. Looking back, if I somehow DID manage to pull something from a dream, a pocket knife and toy firetruck would be pretty poor items to bring back.

Have you guys ever had any stupid thoughts like these?


  1. Your number 5 is adorable! :)

  2. That number 5 is amazing. It funny how kids take statements so literally. The drinking and driving thing is a perfect example. Kids are so innocent and sheltered.

    And then they grow up... and get jaded. lol

  3. Storm: I was so confused when I got it wrong. To be fair, it is probably the most confusing of all the numbers haha.

    Nicole: It's just like Amelia Bedelia (the children's book), who takes everything so literally!

  4. OK son, I have other weird things you did. For instance, when you were very young, still in the crib, you would pick the fur off your teddy bear and jamb it up your nose. We kept wondering what was happing to that bear until one day you sneezed and a big wad of fur flew out. Also, when you graduated to your big person's bed, you would pull the mattress off so that it was like a slide, one end on the floor and the other end on the foundation, and yoou would slide down it over and over. I had to sew the mattress to the foundation to keep you from doing it.

  5. I thought the same thing about drinking and driving. I remember telling my dad that eating and driving should be illegal too because it's just as dangerous! Oh and your 5 is really cute :)

  6. That number five just needs a head on top to make a stick figure! You come from a good size family.

  7. I love that your dad reads your blog and can therefore add a few more of Woody's childhood quirks to the list. Something tells me this list goes on for a lot longer haha. It's alright, when I was a kid I was scared of autumn leaves. Like when my parents would rake them into a big pile, I would always run and hide. I guess I thought monsters or, worse, Maury Povich were hiding inside of them. Go figure.