Most of you probably know about my distaste for the kids in my neighborhood and the fact that I think kids in general aren't very bright. Here I'm going to show you (yet again) that I was certainly no exception. I was simply too young to understand how the world worked, which is understandable, but looking back on these moments makes me laugh at my own confusion. Oh, I was REALLY weird, too.
I could not draw the number 5. This is one of my earliest memories. I was in the kitchen doodling something that probably didn't make sense (for example, I once found a drawing I made of the "dog president of the United States," which had 6 legs, a top hat, and two beards). My dad and older brother were working on something on the back deck when I asked, "Dad, how do you draw a 5?" to which he distractedly replied, "First, draw a line going from right to left, then draw a line going down off the first line, and then draw a half-circle off of that line." Here is a dramatization of my 5 being drawn:
Hey, alright! So far so good...
Uh oh... this ship is sinking fast.
...I'm an idiot.
After drawing my hieroglyphic, I said to my dad, "Like this?" proudly displaying my sad lack of education. I just remember him saying, "Nooo.." and my brother laughing.
I didn't understand what "reproductive organs" were. I remember once asking my dad why we had to wear clothes and cover up our "weiners and boobs." He answered in a straightforward but short way with, "People don't want to see other people's reproductive organs." Well, I never got "the talk" and this was way before sex ed, so I was not up to par on my hip sexual lingo. I didn't know what a "reproductive organ" was, but I DID try and piece together what he meant.
"Well... why don't we cover our mouths then?" I queried. "The mouth is not a reproductive organ." He said, clearly not wanting to get into the conversation. Perhaps I was too young, but I remember being angry that he was being short with me and trying to change the subject. "It PRODUCES saliva! And when you throw up, you RE-produce your food! And what about your eyes? Your eyes reproduce tears!" I was so confused. Dad ended up getting angry himself (and embarrassed) and telling me that we just have to wear clothes and we'll go to jail if we don't.
I thought that drinking ANYTHING while driving was illegal. I'd heard the PSAs - I knew that drinking and driving was illegal and would probably end up killing anyone who did it. So when I would ride anywhere with my parents I thought they were huge criminals/murderers. "Dad, you can't drink and drive!" I'd always say when he'd take a drink of his tea. He always assured me that you just aren't supposed to drink alcohol and drive, but I didn't really understand the concept of alcohol when I was really young, so I thought that maybe taking a drink would distract the driver which would cause a wreck. Well if drinking alcohol will distract the driver, tea or pop could do the same thing, right!? I wasn't buying the whole "it's only alcohol" bit - heck, I didn't want to end up a skeleton!
Seriouly, watch that link, it's terrifying when you're a child.
I thought my parents could read my mind. Anytime I was lying or did something wrong my parents always seemed to know, so I naturally thought they could read my thoughts and when I was around them they could just sift through my mind and that's how they always caught me. I never thought about the fact that I was child number 4 and they'd already seen my shenanigans from my siblings.
Anytime I knew I did something wrong I would "block" my mind when I was around my parents and just think about other things. I specifically remember my go-to thought was of a red remote controlled car. No idea why, but that's what I would think about. I never LIED but just avoided thinking about my scandals (my very first lie is a whole other story).
I thought I could pull things from my dreams into existence. I've discussed the fact that I used to watch horror movies at a very young age, so while I can't be certain, this confusion might stem from Nightmare on Elm Street, where the protagonist grabs onto Freddy Krueger in a dream and then wakes up, bringing him into real life where she can then defeat him.
I clearly remember believing that if I held onto something in my dream, when I woke up, I would still be holding the object. I tried this several times, with no success, but did that get me down? No. I kept trying, like a moron. I would always be so disappointed when I woke up empty handed! I specifically remember trying this with a pocket knife and a toy firetruck. Looking back, if I somehow DID manage to pull something from a dream, a pocket knife and toy firetruck would be pretty poor items to bring back.
Have you guys ever had any stupid thoughts like these?