Spiders in My Bed!

I was gone all weekend for Memorial Day festivities (which were awesome) and so my duplex was left unattended. I returned last night. When I finally decided to crawl into bed, everything seemed normal - at first. But then, I felt something slightly cold and slightly wet around my knee. I figured I had just spilled a drop of water or something like that so I paid it no mind.

I set my phone's alarm and went to plug it in only to realize that my phone charger was still in my bag from the trip! So I threw the covers off of me to grab the charger, and I noticed I had a friend in bed with me:

Waiting for me to fall asleep so it can crawl into my nightmares

Unfortunately for the spider, I didn't feel like cuddling that night so I had to kick him out. It was rather shocking, so I then proceeded to check inch-for-inch in and around my bed for any more cuddle-buddies. I heard a statistic once that people swallow like 8 spiders a year in their sleep, so maybe he was just a suicidal spider waiting for his chance to crawl down my throat? Probably not though, as Snopes says that that's a fake statistic.

Either way, sleep tight! Don't let the wolfies bite! 

Thrift Store Adventures: Diaries and Journals!

Before we get started, I’d just like to say that this may be my creepiest post to date! Not a creepy that will make you say, “Shit, now I have nightmares,” but more like a creepy that will make you ask, “Why is this guy looking up kids on Facebook?” The answer is because I found some diaries and journals at the thrift stores!

My original idea was to share some of the funnier parts of the journals with you guys and make fun of them, and I’ll still do that! But then I realized how sensitive some of the information in these journals is, and that the parents obviously didn’t check to see what they were tossing out. There are things like names, phone numbers, physical descriptions, and other personal stuff. I can easily see some pedo old man with a mustache getting ahold of these and obsessing over the journals’ authors. THAT is the creepy part. Parents need to be careful about what they’re giving away, sheesh!

So I’ve come up with a test to see just how bad the parents are; I’m going to use my best internet skills and try to find these people on Facebook. If I find them, they lose. Or Pedobear wins. I don’t really know. Let’s get started!

The first one up is called coke or pepsi? 1000 coke or pepsi questions 2 ask your friends.

 It sounds awful, I know, and it’s about as bad as it sounds. It is just a bunch of questions like, “What’s your favorite food?” and stuff like that. Here is an example:

Click to enlarge

They are the same questions asked over and over, and I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to get your friends to each fill out the questions, but considering the top-notch educational system here in Arkansas, this girl filled out the whole book. The same questions over and over, with misspelled, contradicting answers. There are a couple pages her friends fill out, but the vast majority is just one girl.

I thumbed through the pages and will share some of my favorite tidbits about our author:

• "Your favorite article of clothing - Tangdop." What in the fuck is a tangdop? And where can I get one?
• "Favorite school subject - Math." Oh, so maybe she's a smart girl.
• "Name of future girl - Angle." Nope.
• "Worst movie ever - The Gradion." I guess I missed that one...
• "I wish someone would invent - A maid that did anything anywhere." That's exactly what I want, too! Mmm...
• "What are you good at - Teinnes." Glad she didn't say "Spelling." 
• "Just say no to - Drugs and boys." Everyone knows "no" means "yes."
• "I can't stand the smell of - Dogzilla's crap." Hahaha. 
• "I don't understand - Aciton figers." Me either, is that Latin?
• "I would love to travel back to - 15 years old, 1983." If she was 15 in 1983, she's 43 now, and can't spell for shit. Which wouldn't surprise me, being in Arkansas and all.
• "I would love to time-travel back to - Africa." Huh?
• "I would love to time-travel forward to - China." Right.
• "I'm really good at - banging." Not even gonna go there.

Creep-Test: From the book, she wrote (about a million times) her name and her birthday. Let's see what we find... Yep, found her.

Confidence Level: 97% - She had the exact same name and was FB friends with all the people she talked about in the book.

Considering I found this Facebook page legally, using information that was donated to charity and that I paid for, I could probably show her name and stuff, but it's better safe than sorry; I don't want these people accidentally stumbling across this page and trying to sue me. Plus it's slightly less creepy? Maybe?

The next one is called Lilly’s West-Virginia Trip! Ashley Blake in Paridise. It is just some pink pages that I found in between a math equations book and a book about a magical tree house.

I couldn’t believe my luck when I spotted these pages, and I wondered how much they were charging for some torn out pages. Instead of asking, I put the pages inside of another book and bought that, mostly because I felt way too creepy trying to purchase some little girl’s diary pages.

I may have fit right in though, because there were two guys using iPhones with special external attachments who were scanning each and every book’s barcode. I guess they were trying to find books that were worth money, but they were acting really fishy and they seemed like they were doing something wrong. I wanted to ask them what they were up to but they looked like huge d-bags so I just kept quiet.

Anyway, I’ll provide the pictures of this one along with the entire book transcribed below. The pics will be really small because I know no one will read them, but click to enlarge them 'fyunto. For easier reading, I’ll fix minor spelling and grammar mistakes (but keep any funny ones). Beware, this chick uses exclamation marks like a hipster uses irony. A lot, and incorrectly.

Chapter 1

Good news. It was an ordinary day at school listening to hours of math and all those other subjects. “I want to go to go to Hawaii some day.” Her friend Amber said “me too.” “Me three” said the teacher to the principal for talking during a test! “Huh!” said Amber and Ashley going the hall. She stopped at the office. She went in and her parents were there! They were talking about something. When they were done, Ashley’s parents gasped, “Ashley and Amber, why are you here?” “Uh,” she said nervously.

“we were just coming up because we talked during a test.” Grounded for a week! But no buts! Go to the principal and talk! Okay. “Now, why are you here?” said the principal! “You heard,” said Amber. “We talked during a test!” “Go do not do it again! Go back to class.” And opened the door. Sit down and finish the test! What do you get if you have 99 + 100 = ___?

105         109         109!

She answered the third one! The next question said, now about you. Where is your favorite place you want to go? She had a smile! She wrote “Hawaii!” “You’re done! Time’s up, pencils down. Time for lunch!” She went out for lunch and ate at Taco Bell! Her parents were there. “I have good news,” said her mother, “We’re going to Hawaii! This has been my dream to go to there! When school is done come home and pack your bags. We’re going there tomorrow and staying there for 3 weeks! When school was done she rode the bus.

She was gonna get her driver’s licenses in 5 weeks! The bus ride home was unusual! The bus driver brought her kids, they were only 4! They went crazy! She even brought food for them. The worst thing was that they changed the stops and Ashley’s used to be first but now it’s last. The bus finally came to her stop! When she got home her parents were there! They said, “Go pack your bags.”

Chapter 2: Packing

[The dialogue in this chapter is impossible to decipher and did not come with any quotation marks, so I didn’t add any as I did in chapter 1]

So she went up stairs and packed! Okay, now what do I want to pack? Definitely packing jewelry! Clothes, clean underwear and toothpaste. And tooth brush. Also makeup and…

TEDDY WEDDY!

I will never forget you! I don’t’ know why people don’t have one? Uh they’re in college like me and you! Oh like you don’t have one. What’s its name? Mr. Snuggle Wuggle! Fine but don’t tell anyone.

Oh don’t worry, I will! Just go back to packing! I already finished. There there little sister yelled ZOO ZOO! Okay, we’ll go! So their mom drove them there. They got there. Where do you want to go first? Giraffe! Okay! Let’s go! So they went to the giraffe!

That’s where the story ends. I was going to commentate throughout the story, but I think it really speaks for itself. This book clearly deserves a Pulitzer prize, or at the very least a William Allen White Award. 

Creep-Test: This one was a little bit more difficult. I didn't really have much to go on, but I put on my best detective hat, and got to work. This is what I came up with:

Confidence Level: 65% - It's not a very high level of confidence, and she looks a lot like a gussied-up Johnny Depp, but I'm pretty sure it's her. Even though it says she lives nowhere near where I bought her "book." The reason I think it's her is because every name mentioned in those pages is in her friends list. 

Finally, we have the magnum creepus: Your Heiress Diary by Paris Hilton:

This is a basically a diary for the rich, popular, and vain, and our author ate it up. She filled out most of it, including phone numbers, e-mail addresses, and physical descriptions of her and her friends. Here's an example of what is inside:

Some things I now know about the author:

• She used to be in love with Orlando Bloom, but is now obsessed with Jac Efron. 
• She is obsessed with High School Musical.
• She gets upset because her parents make fun of her [hahaha].
• She has a lot of sex dreams with Zac Efron.
• She basically wants to follow in Paris Hilton's footsteps. So maybe she'll get to make her Zac dreams come true. On film

She also has a bunch of great original quotes. Really, words to live by, such as:

"In the world of men there are 3 categories: boys, men, and heart-throbs, soo... Which one do you think you should choose?!?" - K

Creep-Test: This one was super easy. Boom:

Ooooo yeahhhh, looks like she chose heart-throb!

Seems as though the diary did the trick, she looks kinda rich, popular, and vain. 

Confidence Level: 99.9% - I'm a scientist so I know it's about impossible to be 100% confident, but everyone knows 99.9 is the new 100. 

Writing this post has taught me a few things. 1) Thrift stores will try and sell you just about anything. 2) Facebook stalking young strangers feels kind of... wrong. 3) You can find ANYONE on the internet, even with only limited information (or in K's case, ALL information). Trust me, try searching yourself on this website. Yikes.

Random Pictures From My Phone, Part 2!

I previously posted a bunch of random pictures I took with my old phone with some descriptions of each. This is same thing, except it'll be with my new phone. Mostly.

Due to the large Hispanic population where I live, I decided to try one of the Mexican restaurants once I got here. I figured it would be the best Mexican food ever. Instead, what I got was this:

Yes, that's a whole fish covered in onions. A fish... and onions... No thank you. Ok, I didn't actually order this, but it was definitely on the menu and I'd like to know how many people have ever ordered this dish. I imagine that the one shown above is the only fish and onions that they've ever had to make, but who knows, maybe I'm missing out on something magical. I also notice that there are five beers sitting next to the fish dish. I can only assume that they are included with the meal to make it somewhat palatable. 

Last week there were a bunch of craft fairs here in Arkansas, which I'm told is a pretty big deal, so I decided to check out all the hubbub. Pretty sure I was the youngest person there and in the 1 percentile of males. Most vendors were watching me like crazy, hoping I'd buy something, so I had to be sneaky when snapping photos. I would pretend to be texting someone, even throwing in a fake laugh now and then. That's how I got this beauty: 

And I use the word "beauty" loosely. Yuck. These things are awful, especially that thing with the long neck in the upper left.

I saw this restaurant in Abilene, Kansas. Of course, I had to stop. I ordered my meal, and I'll tell ya what, the waitress lived up to the restaurant's name; she was a huge kuntz. 

This one is a bit older, but it is from a university newspaper. I don't know if the paradox is intentional or not, but it sure made me laugh!

I went to Wesport, in Kansas City, a couple weeks ago. Walking around in a cooking shop, I found this little number:

 That's right,  it's a black pot-scrubbing servant, complete with bristly hair. I'm pretty surprised they let this fly considering how PC everything is nowadays. 

Yesterday I heard some rustling in the bushy area right outside my bedroom window. The first thought that came to mind was the Lord-of-the-Flies-esque kids from my neighborhood, so I went to the window and opened the blinds. I wouldn't have been the least bit surprised to find one of the kids out there, but it was only a cat. Playing in a big patch of poison ivy. By the time I got my phone out to take a picture it had jumped onto my window sill. 

There was also a brown stain on its forehead which looked like motor oil. There is another strange cat down the street from me. Whenever I drive past, he jumps down in the storm drain. Not sure exactly where the storm drain goes, but there can't be anything healthy down there. Moral: stay away from the cats in Arkansas.

I went to the local neighborhood Harp's grocery store to pick up some green peppers, and this was the store's entire green pepper selection:

Not a single one of the four looked edible. I did without the green peppers or that meal. But along the way, I noticed something else of interest in the produce section. Something Pedobear would take great interest in:

Ah, Ripe & Easy, just the way I like 'em! I imagine the marketing guy's thought process went something like this:

"OK, we need a good label for our kiwis... Something to really grab the shoppers' attention. Well, kiwis are easy to eat, and the ones we sell are ripe, so Ripe & Easy seems logical. And who loves kiwis more than tiny asian girls! The shopper can clearly see that the hairy brown balls inside are kiwis, so we'll just use size 2 font for the word "kiwi" here. Perfect! I'm goin' on break."

In my previous Random Phone Pictures article, I promised I would show you guys my previous years' Halloween costumes, so here's one from a couple years back. 

I'm sorry about this :(

Gold suit man. 

Try not to get too hot over this pic.

Thrift Store Adventures: Creepy Things!

I had a surprisingly creepy trip to the ol' thrifties last week, which is exactly what I hope for. It's a lot of fun, but I get some odd looks from customers while I'm laughing at and taking pictures of the products. I'm gonna go out on a limb, though, and say the vast majority of thrift patrons don't notice me or don't care that I'm making fun of their lifestyle.

For instance, a couple weeks ago a really old (and really redneck) couple were milling around while I was looking for some interesting books to write about. Thrift people are normally pretty entertaining to watch, but I had just found some great/terrible books so my attention was entirely on the books, until I heard a cackling voice say, "These things are great! It looks like I could reach right out and hit him!" I looked to my left and saw, about 40 feet away, a dusty old woman staring straight at me with binoculars. My eyes widened at first, because, what the fuck? But then I couldn't help but laugh and stare back at them. The old man then took the binoculars, looked at me through them, and then agreed that it did, in fact, look like he could reach out and hit me. With no further acknowledgement they simply set the binoculars down and continued shopping.

Anyway, here are some creepy items I found during my most recent day at the thrift mines. First up is a pewter statue of a girl doing a curtsy or something. After writing that sentence I realized that that was the first time I'd ever written the word "curtsy." What a dumb word.

This figure looks pretty normal at first, and the only reason I gave it more than a glance is because a rather enormous girl was giving me lusty eyes and coming my way, so I picked it up to look distracted. The statue is glued to a wooden base with a nameplate attached which reads

"M. LUISA

22 X 84"

That is the first thing that caught my attention. I assume M. Luisa is the girl's name maybe? But what in the heck does 22 X 84 mean? I have some ideas. 22 times 84 is 1848, so M. Luisa was probably an autistic girl who performed her first curtsy (gah!) in 1848. That is also the year Karl Marx published The Communist Manifesto, so she could just be bowing for communism. 

Getting a closer look still, and I noticed that, no, she's not a communist. She's just a burn victim.

Aaaahh!

That's one creepy-ass face. This statue is a mystery to me, so any insight from you guys is welcome.

The next item is a lovely elderly woman with a pretty blue muumuu. Wow, first "curtsy," now "muumuu!" I'm having a very first-timey day. 

Anyway, I checked out this picture because I noticed a woman taking a picture of it with her phone - that's what I do! I was going to ask her if she was collecting material like I was, but just then her beefy/tattooed/ intimidating boyfriend walked up and started talking to her, so I guess it will have to be another mystery. I assume she just couldn't resist this old woman's allure. 

But that picture isn't as creepy as the picture that was underneath it:

I see they do all their clothing shopping at Tablecloths & Doilies R Us. As always, I wonder how these pictures ended up at the thrift store. My theory is that the old woman above was driving these kids to T&DRU one day and one of the lenses fell out of her giant purple glasses. While bending down to pick it up, one of her big hair-sprayed curls got caught on the wheel and as she brought her head back up, the hair turned the wheel, and over the cliff they went. Having no use for pictures of homely people anymore, Grandpa donated these pictures. He was feeling generous.

Here is a great light cover I found:

Just think of the poor kid who got stuck with this thing on his ceiling. I can only imagine what this terror must have looked like when the light was turned on, giving its sexy-eyes to the child below, spilling its sexy-light all over the kid's bed. What a perv. I thought about buying this for about .5 second before realizing that 1) I didn't have a red screw for its nose, and 2) absolutely no one else on Earth would understand the humor in a 25 year old man with this thing hanging in his room.

[EDIT] After a quick Google search, I found a clown light cover that is possibly even creepier than the one above. The same story still applies though. 

Finally, we have the creepiest find of the day: 

Ho-Lee-Shit. I found this behind a bunch of other items, which is not surprising considering the amount of soul eating this thing does. There are so many things to say about this bizarre piece, so I'll just get right into it.

1) Her eyes. The "artist" carved out her eyes and they are just hollow voids in her face. It also appears as though someone has cut off her eyelids, but they missed a spot; you can see a flap still hanging there over her left eye hole. Her whole facial expression just screams "join me in Hell."

2) Her puppy. Why is she holding her dog like that? I've never held my pets like that unless I was sacrificing them, so I'm 100% sure that's what she's doing here. The puppy is clearly an offering to the god of Creep-Fuck for some new legs. Which brings me to my next point.

3) Her legs. At first I thought she was kneeling, but those are definitely just stumps. By the way, I was thinking of adding a link to a picture of a girl with stumps for legs as a comparison to this statue, but instead I urge you to do this: Go to Google Images, turn off SafeSearch, type in "no legs girl," and enjoy the ride. 

To sum it up, this is a statue, that someone actual created, which depicts a girl with no eyes, eyelids, or legs, sacrificing her little puppy to some unknown deity. And she's wearing a potato sack. This item was interesting to buy, but I didn't because I didn't want that nasty thing in my house.

Book Review - In the House

I found a great book called "In the House." Those are pretty much the only words in the entire book, other than the publisher info and the fact that it was copyrighted in 1981 and printed for the fifth time in 1987. I'm surprised this book went through five prints and 6 years to be honest. Anyway, let's start the review.

Creep-ass

That is the cover. Like I said, those are the only words in the book, leaving the meaning of the book open for interpretation. Since the book is only like 6 pages long, I will be presenting each page and the interpretation I have come up with. Feel free to give me your thoughts, I'm open for debate on this. 

I originally thought that the clown is an MC and he is "in the house," meaning that he's present and ready to party because it looks like he is raising the roof and making it rain on them hoes (notice the coin-like objects in his hands). I also thought that he was wearing that coat and boots, but the coat is clearly backwards, his arms aren't in the arm-holes, and there are no legs going into the boots. That can only mean that the title, In the House, means that this shitty little clown is hiding somewhere in your house. But where? That's the mystery and intrigue of this book.

The first two pages of the book are pretty confusing. It is difficult to gather what they could mean, but with a little brainpower we can see that in the first page, the clown (Let's call him Tinkles) is telling you that you're going to need to be seated for this. The book is far too powerful and emotional to read standing up. He also laughs at your crappy taste in chairs. 

On page two, we see an empty table, set in a calming blue background. The calm is only temporary, however, because the meaning of this page is clear once you think about it. Tinkles the Clown participates in Manson-esque Creepy-Crawls (note: since I doubt anyone really reads my links, and to provide insight into that reference, Charles Manson and crew would break into peoples houses while they slept and rearrange their furniture, just to fuck with people. They called it Creepy Crawling, and Tinkles does too!).

What would you do if you only had a short amount of time left on Earth? That is the question that page three presents, as it shows a ticking cuckoo clock. Although it is not an overpowering message, Tinkles delivers it smoothly just the same. As a side note, I actually kind of like that clock picture for some reason. The colors and the simpleness of it maybe?

How did Tinkles the Clown get in your house to begin with? This book knew its readers were smart and would ask such questions, so page four covers the details. Silly you, you forgot to close the window! 

Remember on the cover when Tinkles was fucking around in your clothes? Well page five shows a wardrobe, but make no mistake! This is only here to throw the readers off, he is not inside your wardrobe. But you're curious and you're going to look anyway, and when you see it is empty, you are given a false sense of security. 

Page six is simply reminding you to water your plants.

And that's all there is to "In the House!" The end, kaput, el fin. But wait, where in the hell was Tinkles hiding? That lingering question will haunt you and taunt you, and you won't want to close the book until you find out. That's where this book's genius really shows. Once you give up and decide that Tinkles is nowhere in the house and you finally close the book - BOOM!

That's right, kids! He's been under your bed the whole time! Goodnight! :)

When I decided to review this book, I just started writing. I had no idea where I was going with it, and I don't know how or why I gave it the creepy-clown-hiding-in-your-house theme, but that's where I went. What are your interpretations?

Random Story: Little Girls Buy Disturbing Video Games

Last summer my family had a garage sale. I sold a lot of my childhood toys and games that I no longer wanted, including all my Playstation 2 games. The games sold sparsely throughout the day as you'd expect and nothing particularly notable happened, except for that it was like 110 degrees and I wanted to die. But then a grandma showed up with her two grand-daughters, who were about 8 and 11 I'd say.

The girls looked through my box of games and selected a few, then brought them up to the counter to pay. Here are the games they bought, and why (probably):

Singstar Rocks:

This game was one of the first "Rock Band" type games that featured use of microphones. It is basically just the singing portion of Rock Band. There are various rock songs to choose from, and it was fairly fun. My favorite feature is that the game records your voice, so after each song you can isolate each player's voice and potentially embarrass your friends.

The girls bought this game because they, like most young girls, want to become rock singers. This game will get them the practice they need to become the next Miley. Or Ke$ha. Whatever floats their boats. Nothing crazy about this purchase.

Dog's Life:

In this game, you are a dog. That's pretty much the premise. You get to chase chickens, play fetch, and smell smells, but you must use all your doggie skills to save your true love from getting ground up and processed into cat food (seriously). In the end, you must save your girlfriend (dogfriend?) and grind up the evil overseer lady into cat food instead. I must say, it was pretty fun, although I was slightly shocked (and excited) about how dark the ending was.

The girls bought this game because, come one, look at that puppy! Who doesn't fantasize about being a dog sometimes; they don't have to work and they poop and chase squirrels all day. Although slightly dark, the ending gives a great feeling of revenge. A little vengeance is healthy, right?

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas:

Everyone has heard of the Grand Theft Auto games, either because of how fun they are or because of all the controversy surrounding them. The game is very open-ended so you can steal cars, shoot people, and chop people up with chainsaws to your heart's content. 

OK, so it's a little odd for these girls to be buying a Grand Theft Auto game, but they probably just heard all they hype and wanted to see it for themselves. Grandma didn't seem to mind, so why not? Besides, the game has a great story and although it is pretty adult-themed, it is pretty clear that it is not real.

Hitman: Contracts:

Just as it sounds, in this game you are a hitman. You take contracts to murder various important people. The thing about this game is that you must strategize each killing so that you leave no trace behind and you don't get caught, whether that means wiping out everyone in the building or simply poisoning the main course. Weapons include all sorts of guns, piano wire for strangling, and various chemicals to inject into your victims' veins. This game really gives the essence of what it is to be a contract killer.

Hmm. These girls are starting to creep me out a little, especially considering how young they are. When I rang this game up I asked if they knew what the game was about and they said they did. Completely stone-faced. At this point I figured I'd better not cross them, so, ignoring the giant "M for mature audiences only" on the cover, I handed the game over.

Manhunt:

You make a snuff film in this game. For those of you who don't know, a snuff film is one in which someone is murdered on-screen for the viewer to get his rocks off. Your character wakes up in a room with only a voice in his ear telling him that the only way he'll survive is if he murders a bunch of people for the camera. The more gruesome your make your kills, the better. You know you're doing well when the voice in your ear starts moaning. Eventually, you get to find the guy who's making you do all this and kill him. And everyone lived happily ever after. Except for all the dead people and the guy who just committed hundreds of murders against his will.

Alright. These little girls are straight up fucked in the head, and their grandma is their enabler. They clearly have a thirst for blood, and video games can only tide them over for so long; it's only a matter of time before they snap. Grandma's days are numbered, and she knows it. That's the only explanation for why she's letting her elementary school grandkids buy murder-simulators. I gave an uneasy smile, accepted their money with shaking hands, and said "good day." I don't want to become a statistic. 

You may be saying, "But didn't you own these games first? Why is it OK for you to play them but not these little girls?" That's true, but I never said I was a role model. Either way, if you see two adorable/sadistic looking little girls and their grandma sidekick, I suggest you turn the other way.

Thrift Store Adventures: Personal Items!

I love finding anything of personal value at a thrift store. These items don't mean anything to an outside observer, yet somehow end up at a second hand store for just anyone to buy. Finding these things is interesting for a couple reasons:

1) Whoever previously owned the item clearly didn't care about it enough not to donate it. Who goes through their picture album and thinks, "Ya know, Grandma's been dead for years now. We don't need these silly pictures anymore. Let's donate them to Goodwill." WTF? It's almost sad when I find things like pictures or personal mementos, but highly entertaining nonetheless.

2) The thrift store thought they could sell this stuff. Sure, they have a pretty low standard on what makes it through the door, but still; who wants a shirt that says, "Barbi Sanchez-Cupcupboard's Bachelorette Party 1998?" On the other hand, how amazing would it be if Barbi Sanchez-Cupcupboard saw you wearing her bachelorette party shirt on the street years later!?

Anyway, on to the items. First we have this great mug of someone's dog:

I guess when ol' Fluffy finally bit the dust his image was too much to deal with at work everyday. So instead of weeping into his coffee, the owner figured he'd let someone else enjoy a mug with a grainy picture of his dog on it. To be honest, It's hard to tell whether that's a dog or a mop. It could have belonged to a maid who was just really into her work.

Next up is a small framed picture of a gorgeous couple:

What I surmise from finding this at the thrift store is that this couple did not last. And I cannot fathom why; how could you let go of a guy who has mauve-tinted glasses and drinks two beers at once? How could you leave a girl who puts up drunky pics around her house in the world's cheapest-looking frame? Their combined awesomeness apparently reached critical mass and exploded.

Finally, I found a caricature of a grandpa and his grandkids:

Either the kids are pieces of shit, or Grandad didn't include the kids in his will. Those are the only reasons I can think that this ended up in a thrift store. And even though they are assholes to their own family, they still feel the need to donate this to charity. (???) The date on the back said May 1994. 17 years. That means that all of those kids can probably drink now, so really, either of the above scenarios could be correct. To be fair, it IS pretty ugly. 

But wait, what's this? The two girls have little hearts popping up above their heads? Last I checked, people don't normally get love hearts above their heads when they see their family members. They are generally more of a lust thing, or used to represent love at first sight. However, the more I thought about it, the more sense it made:

1) I found this in Arkansas.

2) The grandpa has an ultra suggestive gaze toward the girls and has a pedostache .

3) That is the real reason this was donated. Too many weird memories.

As interesting as it is to think of how these things got to the thrift store, think of the person who buys this stuff. There has to be some sad, sad individual out there who doesn't have a family of his own so he buys up all this personal stuff and displays it in his home. He probably makes up intricate back-stories about everything and what his "new family" is up to these days. I would love to get a Christmas card from that guy. But at least that's better than this guy.